Dear BBC: You're Late With A Female Doctor

The 13th Doctor is a woman and that's great. It really is. Women deserve equal representation in art and entertainment. Women deserve to be heroes and villains just as much as men. Women deserve rich characters who aren't just damsels in distress or objects of desire. Women deserve to have deep conversations that aren't all about men. So I'm excited to see a female doctor; I fully support this and have no problem with it. Quite frankly, it's about damn time!

However, the timing just rubs me the wrong way. For one, in a series where the character regularly regenerates into a new form and gender isn't fixed, it's absurd and appalling it's taken this damn long to have a female incarnation. 1 out of 13? That's 7.69% representation for a gender that makes up roughly 50% of the worldwide population. Come on, BBC. This should have happened ages ago.

Moreover, it reeks of two smelly strategies: conservative cash-grabbing and political pandering. First, it reeks of a cash-grab thanks to the success of "Wonder Woman." It's as if the BBC execs went, "Oh hey, people are going nuts over a property with a female lead. It's making money hand-over-fist. Man, we had no idea. What an untapped market. We should totally invest now that it's a proven safe bet!" Now, to be fair, a female Doctor might have already been in the works before WW's box office success. Even if that's the case, it's irrelevant because all that really matters is how it appears publicly: a risk-free conservative choice prompted by prior proven success.

It also feels like patronizing political pandering because feminists have been clamoring for better female representation for so long that it's basically become white noise. That's sad because it really is an important issue and deserves better. So now that things are slowly changing and women are getting better representation, it feels more like they're being thrown scraps on the floor rather than being invited to sit at the table. It seems like studio/network execs are going, "Oh fine. They've bitched and moan for so long and so loud, just throw 'em a bone so they'll shut up already!"

To be clear, I'm not saying any of these things are true. I could be totally off the mark. Perhaps my perception is simply warped thanks to the overly-loud idiotic voices of the misogynists that garner undue media attention. Perhaps the studio/network execs really are listening with open hearts and minds and genuinely trying to change things for the better. Hell, maybe I shouldn't even be criticizing this positive move at all if I want progress to continue.

This is just how it feels to me and I'm saddened and frustrated by it. I really do hope I'm wrong. Women, you have deserved equal representation for so damn long and I'm sorry it's dragging out. It's great that things are slowly but surely moving that way, and I hope it continues until there is no gender gap in art and entertainment. I hope the day comes soon when no one is writing articles like this because there is no gender issue to write about because gender isn't an issue and never should have been in the first place because Jiminy Cricket, humanity, how silly can you get!

In the meantime, while I'm happy and supportive of a female Doctor, I'm not giving you kudos or credit, BBC. You're really late to the party, and with only 1 out of 13, you haven't even done anywhere near the bare minimum. Please don't stop here. But hey, thanks!

7 Minor Flaws That Made BOTW Annoyingly Less Awesome

The Legend of the Zelda: Breath of the Wild sure as shit is an amazing game, as evidenced by the "175 hours or more" that I put into it over the past three months. It's filled with lots of adventure and excitement, and I'm not a Jedi, so that's okay. 

However, as great as it is, it's not without its flaws. Some of those flaws are subjective design choices (Camp "Weapons Breaking Is Cool" vs Camp "Fuck This Shit"), but some of them are just objectively stupid, head-scratching, only-Nintendo-would-do-this decisions. The result is flaws that are fairly minor, yet still inexcusable since they hurt the experience and were easily fixable precisely because they're minor. And this is the internet so it wouldn't be right if I didn't bitch and moan about it while unnecessarily using coarse language...

1) Convoluted Cooking Procedure

You walk up to a pot ready to cook some tasty and useful meals, but the only option the game presents to you in response is to "sit" and pass the time. So you open up the menu, navigate to your materials, press "x" to start holding the materials you want to use, pick them, then exit the menu and, oh, NOW there's a cook button. Why the hell didn't you just give us a cook button at the start that, when pressed, results in immediately opening up the materials menu ready to hold whatever I pick out? Why did you make it so convoluted that I had to google how the hell to do this basic gameplay mechanic? Why, Nintendo, why?

2) No Fast-Change Into Outfits

Wanna switch from your Climbing Gear into your Zora Armor so you can swim the fuck out this lake? Well, go into the outfits menu and individually select each damn piece. One. At. A. Time. (Sigh) Really, Nintendo? Why couldn't you just have an option to change to an entire outfit that you have all the pieces to? It's already a pain in the ass having to navigate the main menu to change outfits—which happens a LOT since they're so beneficial—but now you have to make it three times a pain in the ass?

3) No Hero's Path Mode From The Get-Go

The first DLC expansion has a Hero's Path Mode that lets you can see on the map exactly where you've been and, more importantly, where you haven't yet been. This sounds great since the world is unbelievably huge, exploring everything is a big part of the fun, and knowing exactly where you have and haven't been is integral so you don't miss or overlook anything. Gee, sure would have been nice to have that from the get-go instead of unnecessarily being a part of paid DLC. Dicks.

4) Neverending Rain

Me too. (Yes, I saw this on Reddit...)

Is Hyrule located near Nintendo of America in Seattle? Because it never stops fucking raining in this damn game! And don't get my wrong, having grown up in a desert and living the last ten years in drought-stricken California, I love me some rain. In real life, hiking in rain is one of my favorite things. In BOTW, hiking in rain makes me want to murder every last employee at Nintendo and make it rain blood. Climbing is vital to exploration, but the rain fucks your shit right up, making it damn near impossible to climb stuff, even with Climbing Gear and full stamina. For Pete's sake, why didn't you make rain a rare occurrence if you wanted it to be an obstacle? Or make the set bonus of the Climbing Gear rain nullification? 

5) Wild Armor Needs Upgrades

More like Tunic of the Mild, am I right?

Find and conquer all 120 shrines and your prize is the retro throwback-to-original-Link Armor of the Wild. Neat! Oh wait, it comes with each piece at the paltry baseline of four defense points, necessitating four armor upgrades and having to tediously get a bunch more dragon parts all god damn over again, just to be of any use this late in the game. Fuck you, Nintendo. Seriously. And the set bonus is an increased Master Sword beam, which pretty much nobody ever uses? Double fuck you. How about increasing the attack damage of the Master Sword overall? Do you even know how much work 120 shrines was? Do you even know what rewards are?

6) No Option To Turn Off Subtitles

For some godforsaken reason, Nintendo gave no option to turn off the subtitles during cinematics. All you can do is change the voice language; the subtitles are fixed to the language your system is set up in. If you're listening to the voicework in a language you actually know, there's no reason to have subtitles. And if you're anything like me, if there are subtitles on the screen, you can't not look at them, so you're distracted during the whole cinematic and finding out what characters are saying before they actually say it. God damn't, Nintendo. Every other game ever made has subtitles options, so why can't you?

7) Yiga Clan Has No Chill

The bane of every BOTW player's existence.

After defeating the master of the Yiga Clan, those clannies started randomly attacking me while out in the wild. At first, it was fairly rare and not so bad. But at some point, it started happening all the god damn time; it felt like it happened every ten feet. It really started getting in the way of my exploration. Can't you make this something that happens like once every couple hours instead of every ten minutes, Nintendo? Jesus Christ, Yiga Clowns, I'm trying to play a game here. Piss off! 

The Flagrant Foolish Flaws In Dumbledore's Plan

Don't worry, I'm well aware how terrible my Photoshopping is.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian CheezWhiz Dumbledore is the smartest and greatest wizard in the history of the Wizarding World, of course, but he's also sometimes the dumbest. He himself admitted to Harry that his outstanding brilliance means his mistakes are "correspondingly huger." Boy, was he right. 

As clever as he was to discover Voldemort's secrets, he's incredibly lucky Voldemort didn't expose the flagrant flaws in his plan the way Harry exposed the glaring flaws in Voldemort's. Dumbledore's general strategy was to never put all his eggs in one basket and minimize the number of baskets, which was prudent since absolute secrecy was necessary to successful execution. If Voldemort had ever got an early whiff that his Horcrux secret was out, he'd have locked it down real quick, probably burying one or two in the deep depths of the ocean or floating in space where no one would ever find them, ensuring his immortality. (Which he should have done from the get-go, but thankfully his terrible ego prevented that. Phew!)

Considering Voldemort was a frighteningly effective Legilimens, Dumbledore was right to tell as few people as possible about the Horcruxes. Only he, Harry, Ron, and Hermione knew, and Ron and Hermione only because he knew Harry was a prat who needed help. And, I suppose, for backup in case Harry accidentally bit the dust. No one else in the Order knew because Dumbledore couldn't risk anyone being captured and having the secret ripped from their mind by Legilimancy. He did a good job of spreading that egg into three baskets, just enough to ensure the task got done and no more. 

However, beyond that, he did a pretty terrible job of spreading the eggs into enough baskets. For starters, he certainly should have had another chat with Harry about where he thought the rest of the Horcruxes could be and what they might be. Perhaps he was planning to and his death surprised him a bit earlier than expected, so I can sort of understand. But dude, hunting Horcruxes is dangerous and he knew it, so why the bloody hell didn't he tell Harry all his hunches before they went off to hunt one down together, in case things went south. Which, by the way, THEY DID! Dumbledore left Harry in the lurch for no good reason.

Artwork by Kazu Kibuishi 

Not to mention it was unbelievably stupid to go after the first Horcrux (the ring) alone when he was, at that point, the only person who knew about the Horcruxes (at least the only person not in denial, *cough* Slughorn *cough*). He's lucky Snape saved him and salvaged him another year of life, or else he could have died and no one would have known how to defeat Voldemort. Great plan, Stan!

Speaking of Snape, that brings me to the other flaw: Dumbledore only told one person that Harry was the final Horcrux (without actually telling Snape about Horcruxes) and had to willingly sacrifice himself to ensure its eradication. That person being Snape, who Dumbledore knew would be at insane risk after dutifully killing him. This isn't a question of trust, it's a question of practicality. What if one of the Order murdered Snape out of vengeance? What if Voldemort murdered Snape for good or no good reason? Dumbledore intended for Snape to earn the allegiance of the Elder Wand, therefore ensuring his safety in any duels, but he didn't take any actions whatsoever to make sure Snape knew to win it and take it off him. Nor did he consider that Malfoy or any other Death Eater might win it with a simple disarm.

Artwork by artsymptom

And even if Snape had the protection of the Elder Wand, what if he had a natural everyday accident and died? He put that egg in one basket, and it was the basket most at risk. Also the basket that would be least accessible to pass on the information to Harry since Snape would publicly be on Team Dark Lord after Dumbledore's death. Just how did Dumbledore reasonably expect Snape to ever get in contact with Harry, or even get close to him when everyone in the Order would be hellbent on keeping Snape away from him?

In fact, Voldemort did kill Snape for no good reason, and only through sheer luck was Harry there in the nick of time to receive his tearful memories for the Pensieve. If Harry hadn't been there, he would have never gotten the information. If Snape had died earlier, Harry never would have gotten the information. If the Horcrux ring had killed Dumbledore immediately, Harry never would have gotten any of the information. That's a lot of unnecessary ifs that could have been avoided had Dumbledore spread the eggs among more baskets.

Artwork by HogwartsHorror

As brilliant as Dumbledore was to discover Voldemort's secrets and bring about his ruin, time and time again Dumbledore's plan only succeeded because of, in the words of the great Professor McGonagall, "sheer dumb luck." He left gaping flaws in the plan that could have been—and nearly were—exploited and spelled doom for the entire world. Thankfully, they weren't and all was well. I know Dumbledore is only human and therefore flawed and capable of idiotic mistakes, but damn he was a downright dumbass sometimes. 

Still love him, though. Sherbet lemon!

5 Gym Douchebags That Should Be Executed On Sight

The gym is a great place to not only pursue physical fitness goals but also to reap all sorts of mental and emotional benefits along the way in a great Greek-poem-worthy quest of self-improvement. At least, it is when gym bros aren't being giant douchebags and ruining it for everyone else.

Although most people at the gym are perfectly nice and cool, douchey gym bros definitely do exist and all it takes is one to wreak havoc on the entire gym. (On the rare occasions I've had to go in the afternoon, I've noticed there seems to be a higher concentration of them than in the early morning when almost everyone is good peoples.)

Now, I could politely talk to these douchebags when they're committing douchebaggery, but why do that when I can write a passive aggressive blog post defining the different types of douchebags and advocating for their execution? So, in no particular order:

1) Multiple Machine Mark

The international symbol for "Piss off, this seat is taken."

I say machines only for the alliteration; what I mean is machines or free weight stations. Some equipment is in high demand and short supply, which creates competition for its use and, therefore, sometimes the dreaded wait. No one likes to have to pause their workout and, if you're lifting and doing it right, you're doing lifts in a very specific order so you can't necessarily just do something else. Frustration is understandable.

To combat this, some assholes think they can just hog multiple stations simultaneously, marking their territory with towels/bottles/duffle bags/etc and hopping back and forth at their leisure. Some Marks only go between two and some create a whole god damn circuit for themselves.

While it's fine to jump back and forth if the equipment happens to be free, you can't reserve multiple for yourself. That's incredibly selfish and it wrecks the supply and demand economy of the gym; one machine or station is all you get to lay claim to. Multiple Machine Mark, may the force be with you...the force of an olympic barbell right up your ass, that is!

2) Rack Refuser Randy

You've got to be fucking kidding me...

A Randy refuses to rerack the weights after he's done with them because why clean up after himself when he can force a stranger to do it for him? Randy is much too important and busy to tend to such trivial matters. 

Not only is Randy selfish and lazy, he's causing confusion because after he's gone, the next person won't know if the equipment is actually free or if someone is still using it. They can give the "is someone using this" look to people nearby, but even they might not be sure. Randy is making other people do his chores and slowing the equipment usage rate. Randy, let's see how dandy you feel when I drop the 100-pound plate on your inflated skull!

3) Rack Remiss Ralph

Why?

Ralph is Randy's slightly less lazy cousin. Ralph attempts to rerack the weights after he's done with them, but haphazardly shoves them wherever with no regard for order. He creates chaotic messes of different plate sizes all occupying the same rack or blocks weights on a rack from being accessible with overhanging plates from a different rack. Ralph, even though he at least puts them up instead of just leaving them there like Randy, usually creates even more work for strangers because it's all bedlam. Ralph, thanks but no thanks for trying. I'm going to impale you on the A-frame rack and block your corpse with a disarray of plates.

4) Chatty Cathy Charley

Oh, what a neat jaw exercise.

Why Charley when the name Cathy is already in the term? For one, three words are needed for respectable alliteration. Two, the normal gender stereotypes are mysteriously reversed in the gym. Women focus hardcore and rarely talk, while men suddenly become gossiping little schoolgirls if they see a bro. 

If people are shooting the breeze at a station instead of actually doing work, it's always men. They seem to forget they're at a gym to focus and work out, instead somehow mistaking the gym for a god damn bar. They may intend to have a brief chat for a matter of seconds but wind up talking for twenty minutes, long past valid rest time in between sets. They waste valuable equipment time and create a backlog of waiters. Chatty Cathy Charleys, let's see how well you chat after I've knocked your teeth out with a dumbbell punch!

5) Peering Pervert Pauly

Don't be this guy.

Pauly is a creepster who glares at and ogles women constantly or, even worse, tries to interrupt their workout to flirt with them. I don't think more needs to be said. Pauly, I'm going to fasten your degenerate eyeballs to the cable fly and rip them from your skull.

The Tale Of The Three Terrific Turtles

Three terrific turtles approached a fork in a rough, rocky road. After many days, they had survived a treacherous and tumultuous trip. They had been tossed around by tigers, thrashed by turkeys, and tickled by tarantulas! All three turtles were, quite understandably, tuckered out in body, mind, and spirit. (Yes, turtles have spirits too!)

When they came to the fork, all three terrific turtles stopped, craned their heads out of their shells as far as turtley possible, and slowly twisted their heads from left to right and back from right to left. Then again from left to right and back to left, again and again, ten times total as if they were watching a tight, tense tennis match (for turtle tennis speeds, mind you).

"Huh," succinctly summed up the first turtle. "Well, where do you think we should go, tudes? Left or right?"

"That was a terrible, traumatizing trip," anxiously answered the second turtle. "I don't want to suffer like that again. We have to make sure we pick correctly."

"We can't see very far down either road, so they both look the same," calmly commented the third turtle. "Might as well just pick one and see where it leads. Why not left? That feels right!" And off trekked the third terrific turtle down the left road.

"Wait!" screamed the second turtle after him. "How do you know it's safe?"

"I don't, but there's only one way to find out!" Then the third turtle was gone. (Well, after a few hours, because turtles are very slow.)

"I'm hesitant too," admitted the first turtle. "Why don't we stay here overnight to monitor, meditate, and mull it over?" So the two turtles faithfully watched both roads all day and all night, but they did not see anything inviting or dangerous to help them make a decision.

In the morning, after a nice big yawn and a stretch, the first turtle serenely said, "Well, still can't see anything down either road, so I think our friend was right: might as well just pick one and go."

"No way!" exclaimed the stressed, scared second turtle. "I'm going to stay here another day and watch. I have to be sure."

"We can't stay here forever, though. Sooner or later, we have to make a choice."

"It's just one more day," defended the second turtle.

"Shell yourself. I don't think another day will make a difference, so I'm going ahead. Might as well hedge our bets and take the other road. I'll go right since that's what's left!" And off trekked the first terrific turtle down the right road. 

"Wait!" screamed the second turtle after him. "How do you know it's safe?" 

"I don't, but there's only one way to find out!" Then the first turtle was gone. (Well, after a few hours, and you already know why.)

So the lone remaining turtle stayed all day and all night once more but still did not see anything. He felt he had no choice but to stay, splay, and survey as long as it would take. Day after day and night after night he watched and waited, but to no avail; both paths looked equally promising and portentous.

The third terrific turtle, who took the left road because that felt right, had an arduous yet awesome adventure. He was accused of arson by an anaconda, advocated for by an aardvark attorney, and acquitted by ant arbiters! Thankfully, after all that action, he arrived at an acclaimed and abundant apple tree where he spent many days in affable appreciation. 

The first terrific turtle, who took the right road because that was left, had a tame, tediously taxing trek. Nothing of note happened whatsoever and the road was so long he thought it would never end. He became tremendously torpid, tart, and tired. Thankfully, after all that inaction, he turned up at a tall triangular tower that was home to a touring theatrical troupe of tapirs, who just so happened to be looking for a terrific turtle to join their act. He was totally and thoroughly thrilled with his new trade.


The second terrific turtle, who did not take either road because he could not see which choice was right and what perils were left, remained forever fixed at the fork. Foolishly filled with fear, he forgot how to frolic. Finally, the frigid, frosty fall came and he froze forlorn and forsaken.

Humble Pie Should Be Changed To Humble Salad

Who looks like they're being humbled?

"Frickin' Frank needs to be knocked off his high frickin' horse. I wanna make him eat some humble pie!" - Everyone at some point. Probably earlier today.

We've all been on both the giving and receiving ends of consuming humble pie. It's impossible to go through life without being a part of this grand pie eating contest. If for some reason you haven't heard the idiom before, it means to face humility and get knocked down a peg after your lack of humility has been pissing people off. No one wants you to eat humble pie if you've been perfectly humble and awesome to them. It's that sweet, selfish sense of justice that differentiates it from plain old apologies and admissions of error. And we assuage our conscience by remembering that humility is good for building character.

So, it's a negative, unpleasant, hard to swallow experience that is ultimately good for you, which is why it makes no sense to me that it's associated with pie. Pie is freaking delicious and awesome but not at all good for you! Sure, maybe if you eat way too much it becomes unpleasant deep down in your stomach, or later on it's humbling weighing yourself, but the idiom is usually about some or a slice of humble pie, not lots of it. Some pie is pretty darn pleasant.

I looked up the origin of the term, and it does actually make sense in historical context. Way back in the day, there was umble pie, which was made from all the crappy parts of deer no one really wants to eat, so not something you'd eat unless you were of humble financial situation. So it makes sense that at some point humble and umble, two words sounding very similar, got turned into an idiom. When umble pie was still a thing, the idiom had clear context.

But times change, and now pie is super tasty, whether in dessert or meat pastry form. Umble pie is long gone and it no longer makes sense to associate humility with something universally regarded as delicious and awesome. Just ask yourself, when you want to see someone knocked down a peg, and if you have to translate that sentiment into food form, would you give them pie? Hell no, even if it was a kind of pie you know they don't like, you know they'd still be like, "Cool, free pie! Thanks, that's so thoughtful of you!"

So what would we all like to give someone we want to see fall on their ass? Salad. We all know that no one really likes salad. The only reason anyone ever eats it is because they're trying to lose weight or eat healthy. No one ever really wants to eat it, it's just a sacrifice made for a greater good. Some people think they like salad, or occasionally think they've had a good salad as an exception to the rule, but they're just lying to themselves. I know because I've fallen prey to such self-denial many times. I've even homemade salads! But the reality is it's never truly enjoyable, and even when you do get some genuine tasty satisfaction, you know damn well it was only good for a salad and you'd rather have eaten something much more awesome than a stupid sucky salad. Like pie! Or pie with meat!

Thus, seeing as pie is tasty and wonderful but bad for you, and salad sucks but is good for you, I declare it's high time we rebrand humble pie as humble salad. I know it doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely, but it's sentimentally accurate and sure as hell makes more sense in modern context. No one will ever be thankful you gave them metaphorical salad, and that's what knocking someone off their high horse is all about.

Trump is Gilderoy Lockhart, Not Voldemort

President Trump has inspired an awful lot of literary, historical, and pop-culture comparisons. It doesn't matter whether you support him or not, chances are your brain leaped to make its own comparison, flattering or insulting. I've heard quite a few comparisons to Voldemort and as a Harry Potter nerd, it's been bugging me. 

Not only do I find the comparison to be inaccurate, but it feels lazy, an automatic response without critical thought or a measured assessment of both Trump and the characters of the Wizarding World. People that love Harry Potter and hate Trump naturally want to paint him as the big bad villain, but Voldemort is by far not the only villain or antagonist in the series. Don't get me wrong. Personally, I loathe Trump, but what I'm advocating for is an accurate, thought-out, fair comparison. If we're going to throw tomatoes at him, let's do it right and not half-ass it. In the wisdom of Ron Swanson, let's whole-ass it. Oh wait, I guess I should put it in Harry Potter terms: let's not Ron it, let's Hermione it.

So, admittedly, Trump and Voldemort do share some characteristics, but they don't line-up quite right. They are both ruthless in pursuing their goals, willing to hurt or sacrifice anyone at any time, but Trump at least seems to care about and support his own family, whereas Voldemort doesn't care about anyone and will sacrifice his closest supporters without a second thought. He framed his pure-blood uncle for murder with no remorse. They both came from wealth, but as an abandoned orphan, Voldemort never benefited from it. They both stick to their own kind and view outsiders as enemies that are beneath them, but Voldemort does so out of utter contempt and Trump just doesn't care or think about anyone outside his circle. They both hated their original family name and tried to stamp it out, but Trump's family changed it long before he was born and Voldemort actually out-Trumped Trump by anointing himself a Lord Anagram.

Moreover, none of these are the defining characteristic of Trump. Let's face it, the one thing we can all probably agree on, whether you support him or not, is that first and foremost, he's a raging egomaniac. Trump cares about nothing so much as himself. More specifically, he cares about maintaining his huge, delicate ego that rests on him feeling like the greatest thing in the world. Everything has to be about him and it has to be positive, or he goes bananas. 

Now, who does that sound like in the Wizarding World? Gilderoy Lockhart! Like Trump, Lockhart only truly cares about himself. Everyone else is either a fan or an object to be used. Like Trump, he doesn't care about actually achieving things, only being perceived and adored as an achiever. He just wants to feel like a winner and will cut every corner he can. Like Trump, he'll claim he can do something incredibly amazing, just for the attention when he damn well knows he can't and has no intention of ever doing it.

Like Trump, even when he's clearly making a fool of himself in action over lame-ass Cornish Pixies, he'll play it off with a pitiful excuse that somehow attempts to paint him in a good light. Like Trump, he will twist the truth, blatantly lie, and outright deny anything negative to come out on top and maintain his inflated ego, no matter how ridiculously obvious the truth is. I'm pretty sure that if Trump could magically wipe people's memories, he would. He's got a lot of Inferi in the closet to make disappear. 

On the darker side, like Trump, Lockhart will easily allow others to suffer so long as he benefits. Dude was willing to let Ginny die in the Chamber of Secrets, and who knows how many blind eyes Trump has turned to the suffering of those beneath him. Like Trump, he craves the adoration of women but does not respect them as they are just shiny trophies to him. If the series had been mature audiences only and not family friendly, I'm willing to bet we would have been reading about Lockhart sexually assaulting women with the help of charms and potions. Or heck, probably without any magical aids too since he was so famous he could get away with it.

Sorry, wow, that got really dark there. But, like I said, if we're going to go for it, we're going all the way. Trump and Lockhart might not be a 100% perfect comparison, but I think it's the best and most accurate comparison to the Wizarding World. I know I'm not taking crazy pills because in google image searching "Gilderoy Lockhart Trump," a lot of links came up, so clearly I'm not alone in making the comparison. Which also means I'm not as clever or unique as I'd like to think, but that's okay, my ego—although at times delicate and fragile—is at least healthier than theirs so I think I can handle it.

Sadly, I don't think Trump is as harmless as Lockhart, but I hope that America will metaphorically be Harry and Ron and stop him, forcing him to backfire his own weapons on himself. Please, please, please let Trump end up in the equivalent of St. Mungo's, safely secured and unable to harm anyone else ever again!