5 Gym Douchebags That Should Be Executed On Sight

The gym is a great place to not only pursue physical fitness goals but also to reap all sorts of mental and emotional benefits along the way in a great Greek-poem-worthy quest of self-improvement. At least, it is when gym bros aren't being giant douchebags and ruining it for everyone else.

Although most people at the gym are perfectly nice and cool, douchey gym bros definitely do exist and all it takes is one to wreak havoc on the entire gym. (On the rare occasions I've had to go in the afternoon, I've noticed there seems to be a higher concentration of them than in the early morning when almost everyone is good peoples.)

Now, I could politely talk to these douchebags when they're committing douchebaggery, but why do that when I can write a passive aggressive blog post defining the different types of douchebags and advocating for their execution? So, in no particular order:

1) Multiple Machine Mark

The international symbol for "Piss off, this seat is taken."

I say machines only for the alliteration; what I mean is machines or free weight stations. Some equipment is in high demand and short supply, which creates competition for its use and, therefore, sometimes the dreaded wait. No one likes to have to pause their workout and, if you're lifting and doing it right, you're doing lifts in a very specific order so you can't necessarily just do something else. Frustration is understandable.

To combat this, some assholes think they can just hog multiple stations simultaneously, marking their territory with towels/bottles/duffle bags/etc and hopping back and forth at their leisure. Some Marks only go between two and some create a whole god damn circuit for themselves.

While it's fine to jump back and forth if the equipment happens to be free, you can't reserve multiple for yourself. That's incredibly selfish and it wrecks the supply and demand economy of the gym; one machine or station is all you get to lay claim to. Multiple Machine Mark, may the force be with you...the force of an olympic barbell right up your ass, that is!

2) Rack Refuser Randy

You've got to be fucking kidding me...

A Randy refuses to rerack the weights after he's done with them because why clean up after himself when he can force a stranger to do it for him? Randy is much too important and busy to tend to such trivial matters. 

Not only is Randy selfish and lazy, he's causing confusion because after he's gone, the next person won't know if the equipment is actually free or if someone is still using it. They can give the "is someone using this" look to people nearby, but even they might not be sure. Randy is making other people do his chores and slowing the equipment usage rate. Randy, let's see how dandy you feel when I drop the 100-pound plate on your inflated skull!

3) Rack Remiss Ralph

Why?

Ralph is Randy's slightly less lazy cousin. Ralph attempts to rerack the weights after he's done with them, but haphazardly shoves them wherever with no regard for order. He creates chaotic messes of different plate sizes all occupying the same rack or blocks weights on a rack from being accessible with overhanging plates from a different rack. Ralph, even though he at least puts them up instead of just leaving them there like Randy, usually creates even more work for strangers because it's all bedlam. Ralph, thanks but no thanks for trying. I'm going to impale you on the A-frame rack and block your corpse with a disarray of plates.

4) Chatty Cathy Charley

Oh, what a neat jaw exercise.

Why Charley when the name Cathy is already in the term? For one, three words are needed for respectable alliteration. Two, the normal gender stereotypes are mysteriously reversed in the gym. Women focus hardcore and rarely talk, while men suddenly become gossiping little schoolgirls if they see a bro. 

If people are shooting the breeze at a station instead of actually doing work, it's always men. They seem to forget they're at a gym to focus and work out, instead somehow mistaking the gym for a god damn bar. They may intend to have a brief chat for a matter of seconds but wind up talking for twenty minutes, long past valid rest time in between sets. They waste valuable equipment time and create a backlog of waiters. Chatty Cathy Charleys, let's see how well you chat after I've knocked your teeth out with a dumbbell punch!

5) Peering Pervert Pauly

Don't be this guy.

Pauly is a creepster who glares at and ogles women constantly or, even worse, tries to interrupt their workout to flirt with them. I don't think more needs to be said. Pauly, I'm going to fasten your degenerate eyeballs to the cable fly and rip them from your skull.