We Must Praise The Progressive Incest Of "Star Wars"

Star Wars is in again. Star Wars is hot again. Star Wars is the shizzle again. Why? Because it's finally good again. Thank. Fucking. God! So we've all been chugging Oktoberfest-levels of SW culture, and let's face it: most of us can't get enough. We've seen a lot of SW stuff of all sorts lately, both new and classic. However, there's one thing about classic Star Wars that I haven't seen or heard from anybody that deserves attention: the progressive incest politics of the original trilogy. 

In the late '70s and early '80s, most of the world was staunch in its belief that family members shouldn't get all sexy with each other. But in that oppressive environment, one brave, determined, trailblazing social justice warrior named George Lucas stood up and said: "Hey, it's okay to try to fuck your sister, so long as you don't know you're related and don't actually succeed." Wow, what a visionary. Truly.

He understood that some communities are large enough that you might not know you're related to someone, but also small enough that you might try swinging to a familial branch because the pool of candidates is limited. We all know he was probably thinking of Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee. But this doesn't only happen in America. Lucas was an intelligent global thinker; he knew this happened all over the world. In England, twins separated at birth ended up marrying each other. Iceland is small and big enough that there's an app to check if the person you're about to hook up with is related. This is a global issue and ever the visionary, Lucas didn't just think globally: he thought universally. 

He invented an entire fictional galaxy to address this issue. In doing so, he made it feel far away and just fantasy, so we could maintain mental and emotional distance, while simultaneously letting us know it's okay because this shit happens all over the universe. That in and of itself is already brilliant, but he didn't stop there. He didn't even let us know until the THIRD movie that Luke and Leia are related. We spent the entire first film watch Luke desperately try to fuck her, thinking he failed only because Han is just so cool and badass. He got us comfortable with the idea of siblings almost hooking up, and we didn't even know it! After it's repeatedly clear that Leia chose Han and only ever wanted Han, then Lucas drops the bomb that Luke and Leia are twins. Kaboom! Mind blown. 

Still better than the dialogue of the prequels...

All the sudden, we're all looking back at the first film going, "WTF? She kissed him. Luke wanted to fuck her brains out. I can't believe it. This is so messed up!" Suddenly, though, it's okay, because it didn't happen. They didn't commit real incest. They just almost did. "Leia only ever kissed him to make Han jealous, and deep down she sensed they were related, so it wasn't a romantic kiss. It was just innocent sibling lovies!" So we forgive and happily move on, even though there's always a part of us that feels icky about it. 

Meanwhile, deep in our subconscious, the idea has been planted: you might have a long lost sibling or a distant relative you're not aware of, and you might try to bone them, and that's okay. As long as you fail and then eventually learn who they are, it's okay. It's wasn't a huge step for incest, since we still feel that incest is wrong. We all instantly hated Jamie and Cersei because they're siblings doing the nasty. At the very least, Star Wars was an acceptance of accidental incest, and that's a start. One step at a time. Progress will come, and it's all thanks to the great vision of a true social justice warrior: George Lucas. Praise be the Sith Lord!

Martin Luther King Jr. Would Be Disappointed In Us

Credit: Jack Lewis Hiller

"We must live together as brothers or perish together as fools." 

The great Martin Luther King Jr. spoke those wise words. On Monday, the day in his honor, I listened to a bit of Spotify's MLK playlist but could only take about fifteen minutes of it; it was just too saddening and maddening. I couldn't help but feel sorrowful that he would be disappointed in us if he were to see us today. Not just because of the obvious: racism and racial inequality are still rampant in our country. Nor just because of other human rights issues still needing progress: gay rights, trans rights, gender equality, immigration, etc. 

Of course, he would be disappointed in these ongoing issues, though I imagine he'd also still be partially happy to have seen some legal and moral progress. However, what caught me was his stated goal in a 1963 press conference, "to bring about a society where all men will live together as brothers and every man will respect the dignity and worth of human personality." Hearing that, it hit me like a ton of bricks; we have made absolutely no progress on that. We are just as tribal and "us vs them" as we have ever been, and it's tragic. 

It's basic human nature that we come together to form like-minded groups, but stereotype and categorize others for ease of judgment as well as to minimize effort of thought. We vilify and criticize other groups in order to feel strength and security in our own. We react to criticism or differing opinions by stubbornly investing further in our own positions and spewing more anger back in return. 

These are our natural instincts, and it's killing us. These are the instincts we need to fight against. King knew this. His vision did not deny our naturally stubborn, dogmatic, and combative mentality; his vision recognized it as an innate part of us. Yet, he knew we could be better. His vision was that we would forever strive to overcome these instincts so that we could respect each other, listen to each other, and live together in relative peace and cooperation. 

Of course, we will always have our differences. Of course, there will always be arguments and debates. Of course, there will always be strife between groups and communities. He didn't have his head up his ass, expecting some fairy-tale utopia. He just knew that we had the ability to be reasonable and respectful, to communicate in healthy ways, and to look at those on opposite sides not as villains to be defeated, but as fellow humans no different than ourselves. He simply wanted us to tap into and maximize empathy and understanding for one another so that we could slowly, bit by bit, step by step, brick by brick, create a better and more peaceful world.

But we have not done so. We are just as polarized and emotionally segregated as ever. Democrats and Republicans call each other horrible names, look down on one another as inferior, and are filled with nothing but vitriol for one another. The same goes for countless other groups. Everywhere, whether on the internet or out in the world, it isn't hard to find people hating others for being a different race, gay, fat, skinny, a man, a woman, worshiping a different god, not worshiping a god, worshiping a god at all, liking the other console, liking a rival sports team, not liking our favorite show, liking a film we didn't like...yikes, liking or supporting anything dissimilar to our own tastes. Basically, there's still a lot of hate for those that are different, whether that difference is factual or imagined. 

We still bunker down in our own belief systems and vehemently oppose any who dare to disagree. We don't respectfully disagree with others, we yell at them and pretend they're stupid animals that need to be caged and whipped into obedience. There are hardly real conversations between opposing sides anymore, mostly just hostile war. It's our greatest shortcoming as a species, and it's holding us back from progress. It is nothing short of a tragedy. Since the great Martin Luther King Jr. spoke his words about living in brotherhood, we have made no significant strides towards it. We have not lived up to the potential he saw in us. He must be disappointed because he knows that deep down, we are better than this. We still can be.

The Folgers Curiosity

Fixed it for ya, J.M. Smucker Company!

Joking around with a friend about coffee recently, it came up that both of our grandparents had stuck to Folgers all their lives. It dawned on me that somehow Folgers is a thing with their generation, even now when much better coffee is readily available. It really sparked my curiosity: why the fuck have they continued drinking shit coffee their whole lives when they don't have to?

My friend surmised it was just a 1940s thing, and that's probably the biggest part of it; Folgers soared in popularity in the 1960s when marketing juggernaut Proctor and Gamble acquired it. It was heavily pushed onto consumers, and the avalanche effect took...well, effect. It became a thing chiefly because of advertising, but also because people bought into the advertising. Like Coca-Cola won over the soda market in our generation, Folgers won over the coffee market in our grandparents'. Once a product sticks, boy does it ever stick. Amazing, considering it's just absolutely horrid coffee. But they didn't know any better.

However, now we live in the age of artisan coffee. Even if one doesn't go for organic, free-trade, hand-brewed whatever, much better store-bought coffee is abundant. There's no reason to buy Folgers, unless you're absolutely broke and can't afford better. So why do our grandparents generation keep using it? Sure, the fact that's it cheap is a plus with retirees minding the finances, but good coffee really doesn't cost that much. There is also probably the element of resistance to change and being stuck in their ways. That is definitely a thing with the elderly (it's amazing we got them to use computers, even if all they do is play Solitaire and Mahjong on them). And of course, there's the fact that we're looking at this with a rose-tinted coffee lover bias; we appreciate good coffee so it's hard to understand why others wouldn't. Actually, more than that, we're simply aware that it exists. Our grandparents probably know better coffee is out there. After all, it is inescapable in today's ad-crazy world. But being aware that it exists isn't the same as having tasted it and actually knowing what it is. They are aware, but they just don't know, man. 

Those might be reason enough, but I have a sneaking suspicion there's something else at play: rations. Our grandparents are the World War II generation. Both soldiers abroad and civilians at home experienced rationing. In the middle of a war, great coffee beans were the least of anyone's concern. You just got what you could as it was the utility that mattered. Not the taste. The goal was caffeine to keep you awake and alert, not to indulge in a peaceful cafe. That was pansy pre-war stuff. Everyone had their duty to see through, dagnabbit! I mean no disrespect to their generation with such jokes. They suffered through an awful war and made huge sacrifices, on the battlefield and at home. The point is: they were used to crappy rations. 

They can stomach Folgers because they not only stomached terrible coffee during WWII, they became accustomed to sacrificing and settling for less in general in the name of the greater good. So Folgers, the shittiest coffee on earth and completely undeserving of even being called coffee, has gotten a free pass. I hope they appreciate it while it lasts, because once our grandparents generation dies, so will Folgers. Only the poorest of poor will put up with that shit, and even then they'll probably find something better that's still cheap. Watch out, Folgers: your number is coming up. Death is coming for you, and you won't be able to worm your way out of it by beating him at chess. 

Fear The Frog - This Is Why Sports Matter

Sure, sports can be ugly. Sometimes people get unreasonably upset, get into nasty arguments or fist fights, and let it negatively affect their lives. But that really has nothing to do with sports; that's lack of meaning in their lives and/or serious psychological issues that would manifest ugly somewhere else anyway. But that's a different story and not what this is about. Sports can be beautiful, amazing, joyful, inspiring, and so much more. That is what this is about. 

Trevone Boykin (Credit: AP / Ron Jenkins)

TCU Horned Frogs and Oregon Ducks were set for an epic bowl game on January 2nd at the AlamoBowl. Fans of both teams and college football fans in general were really looking forward to seeing two great teams clash, especially the final game of TCU star quarterback, and one of the best players in the country, Trevone Boykin. However, early in the morning on New Year's Eve, Boykin and some friends snuck out of curfew and went to a bar in downtown San Antonio. A few bad Ducks fans recognized him, and heckled him until he was pushed over the edge. Boykin was known to all as an incredibly kind, generous, wonderful, and level-headed guy. In four years, he had never been in trouble, and just months earlier had befriended a seven-year old girl with cerebral palsy, who was representing a children's hospital for an opposing team. This Boykin somehow lost his famous cool, started a barfight, and ended up swinging at the police. It was completely out of character and a shock to everyone. We don't know what was said to him because he has had the upmost dignity and class in the aftermath: no tattletaling, no excuses, no pointing fingers. He respectfully shouldered the entire responsibility for his actions. What is certain is that he was arrested and immediately suspended by TCU. Thousands, and perhaps millions, were disappointed in Boykin, not only because he was severely affecting the upcoming game, but because he was doing great damage to himself. Such a shame.

TCU, with hardly any time to prepare, was going to have to get through with its second and third string quarterbacks. TCU fans, Ducks fans, and neutral fans all said, "Fuck." Everyone had been looking forward to a great matchup, but it looked like it would be another boring blowout at the end of the snooze-fest that was this bowl season. Expectations leading into the game weren't great for TCU, but we all hoped to see them put up a good fight. Personally, I thought maybe this was one of those amazing life twists: giving an opportunity to the backups to become heroes and pull off a miracle upset. But I knew I was just kidding myself. Really, we all just wanted it to not go to hell. 

Bram Kohlhausen (Credit: Patrick Green)

Senior Bram Kohlhausen, who had never started a college game in his life and only subbed in a few games, got the start. Our defense started off well, sacking the Oregon QB and forcing a three-and-out right away. Then, our offense nearly picked up a great first down of many yards, but the receiver couldn't hold onto the good pass and The Frogs were forced to punt. From then on, the first half was all downhill. Oregon scored a touchdown, then we couldn't get anywhere. Oregon scored again, and again we failed. Oregon kept battering us, and we kept faltering and making foolish penalties to dig our holes even deeper. It was an all out slaughter. By the end of the first half, we were down 31-0. All over the country, neutrals were probably switching the channel, and Frog fans in the stadium and watching on tv were collectively bowing our heads, coming to grips with the fact that the game was certainly over. It would be nigh impossible to come back from so far behind.

(Credit: AP / Eric Gay)

TCU had been relentlessly battered, punished, and humiliated. Boykin, Kohlhausen, and the team had dug themselves a hole with their choices and actions that seemed inescapable. I knew exactly how that felt. I won't emo-bore you with details, but the last couple years of my life has felt like that first half. My expectations for the second half were much like my expectations have been recently for myself: not much. When you've been beaten down hard and good, you don't get used to it, but you sure do come to expect more of it. I was expecting more beatings in my life, and I was expecting a continuation of the beatdown for TCU. I just hoped that they would put up a good fight and get a few scores so they could walk away with some dignity, knowing they did their best but just couldn't cope without their star quarterback and their (out injured) star receiver. After all, the circumstances weren't making for a fair fight, just as life sure as shit isn't at all fair. But surely, I felt, the rest of the game—as well as my life—were going to continue to suck. And damn was I clamoring for Coach Gary Patterson to take off Kohlhausen and replace him with third-stringer Foster Sawyer.

(Credit: ESPN)

The Horned Frogs had other ideas. Patterson took off the black shirt he had been wearing the first half and put on the more loved TCU purple. He decided to stick with Kohlhausen, much to my disbelief. We don't know what all Patterson said to the team, but we do know what he said to Kohlhausen, whose father had sadly passed away a couple months ago after a long battle with cancer: "Can you imagine he's watching, can you imagine if you came back? Can you come back? Can you win this football game?" Bram Kohlhausen did imagine, and he took it to heart. He strapped his cleats right back up and came out fighting with an unbelievable amount of belief, heart, and soul. And so did the rest of the team.

Kohlhausen's winning TD.  (Credit: AP / Eric Gay)

TCU scored, and then immediately stopped Oregon from advancing. And then scored again, and again stopped Oregon. And again, and again, and again. The Horned Frogs turned the tables and now The Ducks were being relentlessly pounded and embarrassed. Kohlhausen and team were taking no prisoners in this war on the turf. When most teams would have settled, bowed their heads in defeat and barely trudged on for another half, The Horned Frogs never gave up, fought like hell, and gave it their all. Slowly but surely, they clawed their way back, and slowly but surely, I and every TCU fan in the stadium got crazier and crazier. Louder and louder. With seconds left on the clock, they tied it: 31-31. 

Into overtime it went. All the momentum still with TCU, Oregon pulled it together and both teams traded blows the first two sets of OT: touchdowns and then field goals. In third OT, Kohlhausen took the bull by the horns and ran it in himself for a touchdown. They missed the now-must-go-for-it two-point conversion, giving Oregon the chance to finish it. But it didn't matter. On Oregon's fourth down, The Horned Frogs blocked their last ditch attempted pass. The game was over. To the amazement of everyone, TCU were champions. The backup quarterback had done it, had somehow led the team to victory.

(Credit: Getty Images / Ronald Martinez)

Kohlhausen with his Offensive Player Of The Game trophy. (Credit: Getty Images / Ronald Martinez)

Pandemonium ensued in the Horned Frog section of the stadium. Joy, amazement, astonishment, relief, inspiration...countless emotions were felt by the fans and the team. Tons of individual stories were happening on and off the field. Boykin, who must have been feeling all sorts of awful feelings, showed nothing but love and support for his teammates, especially Kohlhausen, who he immediately hailed as MVP. Kohlhausen shared tears with his mother. Patterson, ever the serious and conservative button-up, danced like a young urban clubber for his team. Many wonderful stories were going on at that moment, but all I can really tell you about is my own.

I felt the most amazing inspiration I've probably ever felt in my whole life. I've had some dark days the past few years. The days where I found it hard to keep going, because I didn't have faith that my life would get better. The days where I feared my life would continue on in hellish limbo, continuously being shit on. The days where my heart, though of course happy for my friends and family, would harden further with bitter envy while I watched their lives enriched with love and careers, and mine remained barren. The days where I stopped fighting and felt like giving up. I've had too many of those kinds of days.

(Credit: Getty Images / Ronald Martinez)

But when TCU achieved one of the greatest comebacks of all time against extraordinary odds, they showed me better. They reminded me to never give up. Hold your head up high, keep fighting and giving it all you've got, and amazing things can happen. It moved me to tears. I've seen many uplifting movies or tv shows, read inspirational books, and listened to the moving stories of others, but nothing comes close to the inspiration I felt that night. Nothing tops seeing real live people accomplish something amazing in real life.

TCU gave me hope. TCU gave me faith and belief. TCU gave me wonder and joy. TCU gave me the motivation to keep on fighting the good fight. So forget about all the ugly and bad stories about sports; it's stories like mine, Boykin's, Kohlhausen's, Patterson's, the rest of the players', and countless others that clearly show it. Sports do matter.

Never give up. Never surrender. Keep on fighting. 

Riff, Ram, Bah Zoo. Lickety, Lickety, Zoo Zoo. Who Wah, Wah Who. Give life hell, all of you!

Fear The Frog.

Maybe The Younger Generation Really Is Stupid

Normally, I find older generations declaring the younger stupid to be absurd. They only think that because they don't understand the culture of the new generation, because it's different than what their youth culture was. When they were kids, the older generation thought their culture was stupid too. "Pogs? What in the Sam Hill are these stupid pogs these kids are fighting over?" Wait, bad example; pogs really were stupid.

Let's go with "Mortal Kombat." We knew MK was the shizzle, but many parents/grandparents thought it was some fucked up shit that was going to rot our brains and turn us into mindless, violent, dumber-than-cavemen thugs. Which, of course, it didn't. Most of us turned out just fine, and those that didn't certainly aren't screwed up because of videogames. Heck, time and time again, studies show that videogames actually improve cognitive skills. Nary a week seemingly goes by without a new study espousing the educational virtues of videogames. All the party poopers were clearly wrong and delusional, but I don't blame them.

Okay, so this "babality" crap was pretty stupid. They were partially right.

The older we get, the more we resist change in the world, especially since technology is progressing so damn fast. It's hard to keep up when we're constantly being forced to adapt. Trying to understand what the young generations are into seems like a waste of time and effort when our poor brains are already extremely fatigued. Because we don't understand the things kids are into it, we think they're stupid. It's total hogwash. The kids aren't inherently less intelligent; they're just into different things (though we might be making them dumber with an abysmal education system, social media, reality tv, and much more...but that's another story for another day). We don't need to understand it. We just need to respect and accept it.

The proper name for this. Also stupid. But at least it isn't wrong.

Well, at least I used to think so. But something has me ready to jump on board the silly "kids are stupid" bandwagon: "hoverboards." It's in quotations because what the kids are calling hoverboards are clearly NOT hoverboards; they have wheels for fuck's sake. It's just a hands-free skateboard-esque Segway. I understand why they want to falsely label them. Segways are for the elderly, infirm, or lazy, and "hands free Segway" is a mouthful that really does sound stupid. Hoverboard just sounds cool. "Back To The Future" brought the term into pop culture lexicon, so anything associated with it automatically seems hip, cool, radical, bitchin', bae, Netflix and chill, or whatever the kids are saying these days.

So, I get it. But fuck you dumbass fucking stupid shitheads. It has wheels, therefore it does not hover. It maintains constant contact and friction with the ground. By that logic, my car is a hovercar, my beautiful but diva-as-fuck cat is a hovercat, and my coffee table is a hovertable. But I'm not calling them hoverthings because I'm not a fucking moron. I have defended you, youths, but if you insist on calling it a hoverboard, then to hell with it. I'm lining up with the adults that are too lazy to try and understand you. You kids are stupid. You don't even know who Marty McFly is! You don't know what real Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are! You don't even know that Pluto was once a certified planet! Now get off my fucking lawn!

Still good looking when I'm an old man, so long as I only selectively age my eyebrows with Photoshop!

Well... if I had a lawn. The older generation ruined the economy and with massive student debt tied to insanely high interest rates, I have no hope of owning property anytime soon. Damn...the older generation is stupid too. Everyone is stupid but my generation! We are the chosen ones and the only hope for humanity! It is up to us to restore the TMNT to glory, force Neil deGrasse Tyson to respect Pluto, and make actual Marty McFly approved hoverboards a reality!