Cut it out with autoplay. This has gotten out of hand. When I want to watch something, I'll fucking tell you. I'll deal with each of you in turn as you all fall under two different umbrellas. Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu (hereafter NAH), you guys are long-form content, app-based video streamers. ESPN.com, IGN.com, and your compadres (hereafter Webbies) are short-form content, internet browser-based streamers.
First off, NAH, it's insulting and degrading that you assume we're all just a bunch of lazy and unambitious lowlifes with nothing better to do than endlessly binge episodes. Some of us have goals in life, side projects we're working on, errands and chores to take care of, or other lazy entertainment to attend to (hello PS4, WiiU, live television and sports!).
Now, to be fair, we all sometimes have days where we do have the time and desire to binge. But, even then, who the hell wants the next episode to immediately start—with no break whatsoever—before the credits are even finished on the one we just watched? Did it not occur to you that maybe I have to use the bathroom, get a snack/drink, respond to a text/email, feed the pet, or make a daily sacrifice to almighty Satan? Hell, it's just not practical. We need breaks, yo!
Sure, I can cancel the autoplay, but I shouldn't have to take action to stop you from doing something. I'm supposed to take action to get you to start doing something. Your entire businesses are built around the concept of giving me choice: watch what I want, when I want. Automatically playing is essentially taking away my choice...the exact opposite of what you're about. Not to mention, do you even know how panic-inducing that brief window to stop autoplay is? You're going to cause the average age of heart-attacks to drastically drop and forever cement a place in medical statistics history. Unless that's your secret evil goal, then bravo, you're killing it.
And yeah, of course, I'm aware that autoplay can be permanently turned off in account settings, but I shouldn't have to. Autoplay should not be the default, especially when some of you force me log in on a web browser to change that setting, with no option to do so from the app. Dicks.
Also, Netflix, god damn man, you really need to stop autoplaying trailers immediately after log-in or just hovering over a show. I mean...why? Why in god's name would you do that? Do you really want our first interaction every day to be me telling you to stop? That's going to lead to a bitter, nasty relationship. I got enough of that from my ex, so let's not go there, man. And while you're at it, stop autoplaying the next episode underneath the menu when all I've done is click on the show. Mother fucker, I ain't clicked "watch episode xx" yet! What good does it do to have the menu overlaid? That ain't no way to watching something! It just makes no sense. What drugs were you on when you came up with this? You're either autoplaying trailers or the next episode before I'm ready for you to do anything. Take a chill pill and sit yo ass down.
Alright, moving on, now it's your turn, Webbies. You're even worse. Look, just because I click on a link to an article or post, does not mean I want to watch a video. Unless that link is for a video only and clearly marked as such, don't assume I want to watch something. Some of us prefer to just read, so stop making me hit pause. If I want to watch something, it's not that damn hard to hit play, especially when the video is always the first thing on the page. Have some respect for us readers and don't assume we're all illiterate dolts. Plus, even if I do want to watch a video, my momma didn't raise no fool; I'm gonna buffer that shit before letting it play.
ESPN and IGN, don't even try to pull the "but you can turn it off" crap with me. Yes, I can, but eventually you seem to conveniently forget that I've turned it off, and suddenly videos are autoplaying again. Once again, I have to take negative action and the cycle repeats because you're Evil Dory. Double dicks. Fish dicks in fact!
NAH and Webbies, just cut it out. I want to take positive action to tell you to do something, not negative action to tell you to stop doing something. It's like you're a terrible two-year old I'm constantly scolding. Instead, be a super cool, super hot romantic partner that's my best friend I'm always asking to hang out. Let me love you; don't make me hate you. Please.
Sincerely,
Kevin "Seriously Having My Zen Challenged" Long
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