5 Signs You're a Douchebag "Hiker"

There are only two kinds of hikers: hikers and casual hikers. Last year I graduated from casual hiker to hiker, so I can get all high and mighty and dole out judgment. Both types of hikers are great and hiking is great; everyone should be a hiker! If you find yourself doing any of the things on this list, however, you are neither type of hiker. You're just a douchebag who happens to be hiking.

1) You Don't Bring Water For Your Dog

News flash idiot: dogs need water too! It's unbelievable how many douchebags like you bring water for yourself, yet none for your dog. Are you completely unaware that dogs need hydration, or do you just not care. Either way, you're endangering its life and I want to straight up murder you. And this is coming from a cat guy!

2) You Play Music Out Loud

One of the best things about hiking is getting away from the noise, distraction, and pressure of civilization to enjoy the peace, beauty, and tranquility of nature. When you bring your music, you're ignoring all that. Which, hey, is fine if you bring headphones and keep it yourself; then it's just your loss. You're an idiot but not a douchebag. But when you blast your music out loud for all to hear, you're ruining other people's enjoyment of one of the main attractions of the environment you're all in. You're a selfish piece of shit and I hope you fall off a cliff and die!

3) You Don't Use Your Inside Voice

A lot of people hike solo because they enjoy the quiet reflection or meditation. You fucking ruin that when you're jabbering at maximum volume with your other idiot companions. Look, it's fine to talk on a hike if you have company. Just use your inside voice. Yes, I know we're outside. So why inside voice? Because you're out in the open, dumbass. Your voice carries farther when there are no walls or insulation to dampen it. Whether it's open-air-fully-exposed-in-the-sun or thick forest, your voice is louder here. No one should or wants to hear you from half a mile away. Your companions are standing right next to or behind you. There's absolutely no reason to be loud. So keep it down and then everyone gets what they want. 

4) You Litter, Grafitti, Carve Trees, or Defile Nature In Any Way

This needs no explanation. You're a horrible human being. Just fucking die.

5) You Smoke

Nothing against smoking tobacco or marijuana if that's what you're into. Your life choices, man. Whatevs. But don't you dare bring that shit out into the wild. I guarantee you that you don't know how to properly dispose of it, and even if you do, it's not worth the risk of you accidentally dropping it and starting a raging forest fire. This is double-down-douchebag in California where the drought has the whole place ready to go ablaze. Can you please try and enjoy life for a little bit without having to smoke something?

LA SPECIAL BONUS) You think Runyon Canyon Is Hiking

Look, nothing against Runyon Canyon. I've been there many times back in the day, but never would I dare call it hiking. It's right in the city, you have to fight for your life for parking in WeHo, you're not away from civilization or its noise, there's no nature whatsoever, and you're surrounded by crowds of wannabe actors, models, screenwriters, and directors (with the occasional actual working professional). For fuck's sake, that's not hiking. It can be a great workout (especially if you go the hard route), but it's just not hiking. And if you think it is, you haven't the faintest idea what the hell hiking actually is. Just shut the fuck up.