The sun is shining warmly but gently, the cooler is filled to the brim with beer, the guac is to die for, there are five dessert options, and you're surrounded by a bunch of awesome people you haven't seen in awhile. This is the life. Parties are awesome. Now, the host is introducing you to a stranger. You exchange the obligatory nice-to-meet-yous, and then they hit you with it: "So, what do you do?"
All of a sudden, the joy is sucked out of you as the existential dread hits you hard. The existential dread that you had been so happy and grateful to escape for a few hours is back with a vengeance. All you want to do now is punch this stranger in the face. Why did they have to ask that question!!!???
Okay, so that's a bit of dramatic exaggeration, but the emotional core is true as hell. "What do you do?" is one of the most common small-talk questions ever asked, and usually one of the first, which makes sense because we spend so much our lives working. It's only natural something that eats up a third of our weekdays will be an obvious target. However, it's absolutely insane that this is normal, considering how horrible and hurtful that question can be. Anyone who has ever gone through a bout of unemployment, career change, or job unhappiness knows what I'm talking about.
That question from strangers (and it's sister questions from acquaintances/friends/family: "What are you working on now?" and "How's work going?") can be a pleasant invitation to talk about something you're really jazzed about, or it can be the unwelcome reminder of the pain you don't want to talk about and wanted to escape. It doesn't really matter if asked with good intentions; it's still destructive.
How can these questions be so bad? Well, they're part of a larger problem: our identities are usually far too tied to our careers. It's only natural that our careers make up a key part of our identities, for the same reason it's only natural people ask about it: we spend so much damn time working. Plus, our careers generally provide a consistent platform for us to do something for the world, to produce or provide things for the world. Our careers can help us be useful and feel useful.
When we derive meaning or satisfaction from our careers, then it's healthy for it to be a key component in our identity. The problem is that most of us make it a much larger component of our identity than it should be. It isn't just one of the main courses, it's the appetizer, salad, sides, and dessert too. When we get the balance wrong and career takes control of our identity, we run into major trouble.
Whenever things don't go well at work, we're out of a job, or change our career, we have an identity crisis. We feel awful about ourselves because we're not feeling useful. We feel depressed, confused, and anxious because we don't know who we are anymore. We become pessimistic and look at everything with a negative perspective because we're having a negative experience with the one big basket we put most—or all—of our eggs in. Hell, even when our career is great, if too much our identity is dependent on it, we're mentally and emotionally imbalanced, brewing an identity crisis waiting to explode all over the mental health kitchen.
There are a lot of reasons why we tend to invest too much of our identity stock into our careers. It's a complex and multi-faceted issue that I certainly can't address or resolve in one blog post. Nor can I claim to be an expert or that I fully understand it. What I can do is address one of the major players: the frequent and commonplace asking of what people do for a living or how work is going.
These questions are not solely responsible for the identity issue, but they are most definitely contributors. Because they're asked so often, because work is one of the primary topics of small-talk, and because it's usually the first topic asked about, it only encourages us to regard it as one of the most significant things in our life and therefore identify more strongly with it than is necessary and healthy. By asking about it so much and usually first, we make it a bigger deal than it should be. Moreover, it imposes limits to what's acceptable to be part of our identity. When everyone asks us about our work life instead of the other interesting stuff we're into or have going on, we feel that the other aspects of our life aren't worthy of identifying strongly with. We feel that work is of the utmost importance.
Not that it isn't important. Of course it is, but let's face it, we make too big a stink over it. There are lots of ways for people to be and feel useful outside of work: raising kids, volunteering, helping others, building things, making art, learning new things, teaching, mentoring, coaching, contributing ideas, complimenting people, etc. This list could go on for pages and pages.
The point is, there are so many things for people to round out their identity portfolio with. And while this option is always available to people, we're all collectively making it harder by giving career front and center stage, by giving it more attention than it deserves. One way to improve that is to stop always asking people what they do for a living or how their working life is going.
I'm not saying to never ask about it; that would be silly. Just, let's stop making it the first and primary small-talk question when meeting someone for the first time or seeing someone we know in a non-intimate situation. I don't really have hard and fast rules, just a few suggestions:
- Always keep in mind that someone might be unemployed, in the midst of career change, or unhappy with their job. All of these are painful experiences that no one wants to make small talk about with strangers or at fun events with friends and family. Sometimes, the best thing someone needs is a temporary escape from their misery.
- If you do want to ask about and express concern for someone you know who is going through a hard time in their career, never do it in a public or jovial situation. Wait until you're in a private and intimate situation when they'll feel comfortable discussing their troubles and actually be open to it. Don't ever put them on the spot around strangers or in big groups.
- Try and ask open-ended questions when meeting someone or catching up. It gives people equal opportunity to share stuff they really want to share or be private about their troubles. I'm not sure what the right questions are because most of us are really bad with "Tell me about yourself" and "So what's new?" But I think a lot of that is due to us not having enough practice with open-ended questions. If these become the norm rather than direct questions about our career, we'll all slowly learn to step up our conversation game.
- Find ways to ask about the other aspects of people's lives. If you don't know any or they aren't good with open-ended questions, look for clues in what they're wearing, tidbits they let slip or you overhear. Or heck, you can always ask what they did with their free time that week. That is still open-ended but with a smaller window of time to reference, making it easier for them to think on their toes.
- If you're introducing strangers to each other, be creative with your introduction. Introduce them with interesting tidbits about each other that a) would be engaging topics of conversation and b) you know they won't mind talking about.
I don't have all the answers to the problem of our identities being too dependent on our careers and the identity crises that follow suit, but I do know that one simple thing we can do to help out is stop making it such a big and common topic of conversation. There's more to life than careers, so let's ask and talk about other stuff!
Well, crap. Here we are: another presidential election season. Since we're all deeply flawed human beings, relationships and conversations everywhere are going to get tense, hostile, or downright juvenile. As such, I think we could all—myself included—use some gentle reminders before we open our mouths for the next few months.
- You will never change anyone's mind by yelling, insulting, shaming, or dismissing. In fact, you'll only accomplish the exact opposite: entrenching people further and firmer in their current stances. And they'll just think you're an asshole because, at that moment, you really are being one.
- Even calm, rational, and respectful conversation is unlikely to change anyone's mind. The psychological barriers are pretty high and steep, especially the longer a belief has been held. We are all pretty bad at changing our beliefs, so never expect a miracle.
- People can sense when your motive is to change their mind and it will always be resented. You stand a better chance if you go into a conversation with an open mind and the intention of sharing your thoughts and feelings along with an equal curiosity to learn theirs. Yes, ironically, you're more likely to change someone's mind if you're not trying to change their mind.
- Everyone, and I mean everyone, is kind of stupid because our brains are seriously flawed. Our idiot brains are prone to all sorts of illusions, fallacies, and prejudices. No one is exempt, no matter how smart you are or how refined your critical thinking. Seriously, read this book and have your mind blown.
- Most people really do have their hearts in the right place, want the world to be a better place, and are doing the best that they know how. Sure, there are some destructive beliefs out there spawning from anger, prejudice, or indoctrination, but at the heart of all that really just lies vulnerability and fear. We'll all get along a lot better and be able to have civil discourse if we approach each other with compassion and understanding for what actually lies beneath all the crap.
- Whenever you're stewing about how the other side is just so dead wrong, so misguided, so stupid, so evil, or so whatever, remember that the other side thinks the same thing about you.
- The firmer your belief and the more assured you are of it means the more important it is for you to question that belief. A lot of our beliefs are not based on solid logic and critical thinking because, as we've just been reminded, our brains are stupid. We all think we know why we believe what we do, but we really don't. We all think all our beliefs were forged out of long, careful, deep thought, but a lot of them really weren't. Again, read this book and have your mind blown.
- There is a staggering amount of misinformation out there: fake news stories, perpetuated myths, old wives tales, falsified studies, misquotations, things taken out of context, and outright lies. Question every story, article, opinion, or fact, whether it supports your belief or not. In fact, question the ones that support your beliefs even more than the ones that oppose your beliefs. Your brain is prone to confirmation bias: you are more ready to believe things that support what you already believe and the story you've constructed for yourself than things that oppose that. Have I told you to read this book yet?
- One huge problem with our brains is that the more we hear something, the more our brain just assumes it's true, even if it's false or a lie. Be on your guard and question everything. Do your homework to make sure something is actually true before you contribute to the propagation of false information. And please, read this book!
- Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but opinions aren't facts and opinions don't change facts. Yes, it's okay to question if a fact is indeed a fact, but we must accept that a fact is a fact once it's proven, even if it's sometimes a tough pill to swallow.
- Anyone can drum up a source or "expert" to oppose a proven fact. Just because one hired shill says something is false doesn't make it so, especially when the 99 other experts are all in agreement. Remember, lots of lies and misinformation out there. If it flies in the face of common sense, rationality, and general consensus, it's probably bullcrap.
- Sometimes facts change with new information and discoveries, but that doesn't mean we can just dismiss any fact that doesn't fit our story. Just accept the current facts and we can all update together when necessary.
- Thankfully, we have a system of checks and balances, so no matter who is elected, the Apocalypse is probably not going to happen and things probably won't be anywhere near as bad as we think they'll be.
IPAs are gross and nasty. They suck and the IPA craze is stupid. It needs to stop and IPAs need to go away forever. The end.
...okay, fine, I'll explain.
Normally, I'm a huge advocate of "to each their own." Like what you want and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And in return, let everyone else like what they want and don't try to tell them otherwise. Everyone wins and no one gets hurt.
But this IPA trend has gotten out of hand and it's ruining beer. People are getting hurt: the people that don't like IPAs. I'm not saying people shouldn't like IPAs; go right on ahead if it tickles your fancy, but it's become an overbearing presence on the beer stage. Go to a bar now and at least half of the draft options are IPAs. Go to a party and half the beers in the cooler are IPAs. Get offered a beer by someone and chances are its an IPA.
All of that would is just fine and dandy if you like IPAs. If you don't, then your options are severely limited. I can't even count the number of times I've been downcast and disappointed trying to decide on a beer at a bar/party because the only option for the brand/country I want is a god damn IPA. All too often, there isn't an alternative choice for a draft beer from a country or brand. (Yes, I know there's always a wider selection of bottled beers, but it's draft or nothing and I shouldn't have to even explain why.)
I hardly even drink beer anymore and this is still a problem because that's how fucking much IPAs have taken over. Even if you have other options, those options are so few it's depressing. It's absolutely ludicrous that one beer style dominates at least half—if not more—of the offerings. That's completely unacceptable, especially considering I'm not the only damn person on this planet that hates IPAs.
Almost every time I vociferously declare my hatred of IPAs, there's at least one other person in agreement. I am not alone and we are not that small a minority. There should and must be more options. So down with IPAs. It's time we take back our beer rights and get the choices we deserve!
The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to carefully select who I listen to. I've always been open-minded enough to hear people out and consider what they've said before internally processing it and deciding whether or not to let it stick. When I was younger, I tended to give pretty much everyone equal weight and consideration. But as I've gotten older, I've learned to only listen to people who know what the hell they're talking about. I still try my best to hear everyone out, but I don't listen to everyone.
Ideas, opinions, and advice are of serious importance because they have serious impact on our mental health, both conscious and subconscious. What we give credence to affects not just our own ideas and opinions, but also our perspective, mental habits, subconscious fallbacks, biases, prejudices, logic, and on and on and on. The ideas and beliefs that we are exposed to in society at large and family/friends at small are of the utmost importance because they help shape us, for better or worse.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of bad ideas out there. There always have been because humans are unbelievably fallible and stupid, not to mention psychological science still has a long way to go in understanding our brains. These days in particular, however, there are more bad ideas floating around than ever before thanks to the Information Age. The internet has allowed anyone and everyone a soapbox, and bad ideas spread faster than wildfire. Heck, faster than the speed of light...okay no, that's not true. The internet is not faster than the speed of light. It's just a metaphor, okay!
With so many bad ideas out there that can steer us in the wrong direction towards mental and emotional unwell-being, it's critical we use extreme caution when deciding whether or not to listen to what we're hearing. So, over the years I've gotten more adept at vetting people and information. I don't even have to consciously try hard. When hearing new ideas and information, without even thinking about it, I always ask myself, "Is this person an expert? Do they know what they're talking about?" If the answer is no, I might still hear them out, but I won't listen. I won't let it sink in (at the least I'll do my best since just hearing something a lot is enough to screw up our intuitive thinking thanks to associative memory and ease of recall).
Sometimes, the answer is obvious. If I'm reading or hearing any sort of self-help, self-improvement, life-coaching, relationship, parenting advice, etc...anything relating to mental and emotional health, if the source is not a trained psychologist or clearly citing valid and proven psychology, then I take it with a massive grain of salt. There is too much destructive advice out there to risk it.
Plenty of other things are obvious as well. Career advice from someone who works professionally in recruiting or has a successful history of career coaching? Sure, I'll listen, otherwise it's just anecdotal nonsense from someone's own severely limited experience. Weightlifting form tip from a beefy personal trainer? Okay, thanks. From a random gym bro? Thanks, but I'll google that later.
While in a lot of cases it's obvious whether the source is an expert, sometimes it's just not clear or downright confusing. Several successfully married couples are giving me the same dating advice, but is that a universal truth or does it just work for their particular and unique relationships? Are their relationships behind closed doors even as successful as they appear to be? Golf swing advice from my dad who's a great golfer with years and years of experience: does that advice work for me and my body or just for him? Am I doing what he's suggesting or is something lost in translation? Can he see clearly the big picture of all that I'm doing wrong or just a small piece?
The waters get murky at times. They get clearer and more Carribean-blue with age, but confusion still abounds. So all I can do is come back to my heuristic: is this person an expert and do they know what they're talking about? If the answer is yes, then listen and process with great consideration. If the answer is no, then hear respectfully but don't let it sink in. If the answer is unclear, then take it with a grain of salt and google the heck out of it later to see if experts back it up.
With this method, hopefully, I'm reducing the amount of harmful ideas and information I let influence my intuitive and critical thinking, my conscious and subconscious mind and heart. At the very least, I've got my guard up and I'm doing the best that I can. There is too much at stake not to.
