Humble Pie Should Be Changed To Humble Salad

Who looks like they're being humbled?

"Frickin' Frank needs to be knocked off his high frickin' horse. I wanna make him eat some humble pie!" - Everyone at some point. Probably earlier today.

We've all been on both the giving and receiving ends of consuming humble pie. It's impossible to go through life without being a part of this grand pie eating contest. If for some reason you haven't heard the idiom before, it means to face humility and get knocked down a peg after your lack of humility has been pissing people off. No one wants you to eat humble pie if you've been perfectly humble and awesome to them. It's that sweet, selfish sense of justice that differentiates it from plain old apologies and admissions of error. And we assuage our conscience by remembering that humility is good for building character.

So, it's a negative, unpleasant, hard to swallow experience that is ultimately good for you, which is why it makes no sense to me that it's associated with pie. Pie is freaking delicious and awesome but not at all good for you! Sure, maybe if you eat way too much it becomes unpleasant deep down in your stomach, or later on it's humbling weighing yourself, but the idiom is usually about some or a slice of humble pie, not lots of it. Some pie is pretty darn pleasant.

I looked up the origin of the term, and it does actually make sense in historical context. Way back in the day, there was umble pie, which was made from all the crappy parts of deer no one really wants to eat, so not something you'd eat unless you were of humble financial situation. So it makes sense that at some point humble and umble, two words sounding very similar, got turned into an idiom. When umble pie was still a thing, the idiom had clear context.

But times change, and now pie is super tasty, whether in dessert or meat pastry form. Umble pie is long gone and it no longer makes sense to associate humility with something universally regarded as delicious and awesome. Just ask yourself, when you want to see someone knocked down a peg, and if you have to translate that sentiment into food form, would you give them pie? Hell no, even if it was a kind of pie you know they don't like, you know they'd still be like, "Cool, free pie! Thanks, that's so thoughtful of you!"

So what would we all like to give someone we want to see fall on their ass? Salad. We all know that no one really likes salad. The only reason anyone ever eats it is because they're trying to lose weight or eat healthy. No one ever really wants to eat it, it's just a sacrifice made for a greater good. Some people think they like salad, or occasionally think they've had a good salad as an exception to the rule, but they're just lying to themselves. I know because I've fallen prey to such self-denial many times. I've even homemade salads! But the reality is it's never truly enjoyable, and even when you do get some genuine tasty satisfaction, you know damn well it was only good for a salad and you'd rather have eaten something much more awesome than a stupid sucky salad. Like pie! Or pie with meat!

Thus, seeing as pie is tasty and wonderful but bad for you, and salad sucks but is good for you, I declare it's high time we rebrand humble pie as humble salad. I know it doesn't roll off the tongue quite as nicely, but it's sentimentally accurate and sure as hell makes more sense in modern context. No one will ever be thankful you gave them metaphorical salad, and that's what knocking someone off their high horse is all about.

Trump is Gilderoy Lockhart, Not Voldemort

President Trump has inspired an awful lot of literary, historical, and pop-culture comparisons. It doesn't matter whether you support him or not, chances are your brain leaped to make its own comparison, flattering or insulting. I've heard quite a few comparisons to Voldemort and as a Harry Potter nerd, it's been bugging me. 

Not only do I find the comparison to be inaccurate, but it feels lazy, an automatic response without critical thought or a measured assessment of both Trump and the characters of the Wizarding World. People that love Harry Potter and hate Trump naturally want to paint him as the big bad villain, but Voldemort is by far not the only villain or antagonist in the series. Don't get me wrong. Personally, I loathe Trump, but what I'm advocating for is an accurate, thought-out, fair comparison. If we're going to throw tomatoes at him, let's do it right and not half-ass it. In the wisdom of Ron Swanson, let's whole-ass it. Oh wait, I guess I should put it in Harry Potter terms: let's not Ron it, let's Hermione it.

So, admittedly, Trump and Voldemort do share some characteristics, but they don't line-up quite right. They are both ruthless in pursuing their goals, willing to hurt or sacrifice anyone at any time, but Trump at least seems to care about and support his own family, whereas Voldemort doesn't care about anyone and will sacrifice his closest supporters without a second thought. He framed his pure-blood uncle for murder with no remorse. They both came from wealth, but as an abandoned orphan, Voldemort never benefited from it. They both stick to their own kind and view outsiders as enemies that are beneath them, but Voldemort does so out of utter contempt and Trump just doesn't care or think about anyone outside his circle. They both hated their original family name and tried to stamp it out, but Trump's family changed it long before he was born and Voldemort actually out-Trumped Trump by anointing himself a Lord Anagram.

Moreover, none of these are the defining characteristic of Trump. Let's face it, the one thing we can all probably agree on, whether you support him or not, is that first and foremost, he's a raging egomaniac. Trump cares about nothing so much as himself. More specifically, he cares about maintaining his huge, delicate ego that rests on him feeling like the greatest thing in the world. Everything has to be about him and it has to be positive, or he goes bananas. 

Now, who does that sound like in the Wizarding World? Gilderoy Lockhart! Like Trump, Lockhart only truly cares about himself. Everyone else is either a fan or an object to be used. Like Trump, he doesn't care about actually achieving things, only being perceived and adored as an achiever. He just wants to feel like a winner and will cut every corner he can. Like Trump, he'll claim he can do something incredibly amazing, just for the attention when he damn well knows he can't and has no intention of ever doing it.

Like Trump, even when he's clearly making a fool of himself in action over lame-ass Cornish Pixies, he'll play it off with a pitiful excuse that somehow attempts to paint him in a good light. Like Trump, he will twist the truth, blatantly lie, and outright deny anything negative to come out on top and maintain his inflated ego, no matter how ridiculously obvious the truth is. I'm pretty sure that if Trump could magically wipe people's memories, he would. He's got a lot of Inferi in the closet to make disappear. 

On the darker side, like Trump, Lockhart will easily allow others to suffer so long as he benefits. Dude was willing to let Ginny die in the Chamber of Secrets, and who knows how many blind eyes Trump has turned to the suffering of those beneath him. Like Trump, he craves the adoration of women but does not respect them as they are just shiny trophies to him. If the series had been mature audiences only and not family friendly, I'm willing to bet we would have been reading about Lockhart sexually assaulting women with the help of charms and potions. Or heck, probably without any magical aids too since he was so famous he could get away with it.

Sorry, wow, that got really dark there. But, like I said, if we're going to go for it, we're going all the way. Trump and Lockhart might not be a 100% perfect comparison, but I think it's the best and most accurate comparison to the Wizarding World. I know I'm not taking crazy pills because in google image searching "Gilderoy Lockhart Trump," a lot of links came up, so clearly I'm not alone in making the comparison. Which also means I'm not as clever or unique as I'd like to think, but that's okay, my ego—although at times delicate and fragile—is at least healthier than theirs so I think I can handle it.

Sadly, I don't think Trump is as harmless as Lockhart, but I hope that America will metaphorically be Harry and Ron and stop him, forcing him to backfire his own weapons on himself. Please, please, please let Trump end up in the equivalent of St. Mungo's, safely secured and unable to harm anyone else ever again!

Foolproof Guide To Failure When Seeing Your Ex

The time has finally come: you're going to have to see the ex that dumped you in a social or professional situation. You're not ready and filled with fear, anxiety, and dread. Well, fret not, here is a foolproof guide to assure maximum failure and embarrassment!

Step 1: Panic

This one interaction is going to decide your entire life's future. You'll never love anyone else; it's just not possible and you're not capable. If you don't impress, they'll never get back together with you and no one else will ever love you. This failure will start an avalanche and the rest of your life will crumble and fall apart. You'll never succeed at anything and have to move back in with your parents and live in single, jobless misery for all eternity. You need freak the fuck out because everything, and I mean absolutely everything, is at stake here!

Step 2: Lose Focus and Perspective

Don't pay attention to anything else in the lead-up to your interaction. Lose all focus at work or in the job hunt, ignore what's going on around you and in your loved one's lives, stop exercising, stop eating, stop all your hobbies and chores, stop showering and grooming, stop flossing and brushing, just drop everything. Focus entirely on thinking about your ex and what will go wrong when you see them. Nothing else matters or exists.

Step 3: Get Plastered First

When the day and time finally comes, you need to pre-game hard. Don't just have a tiny little drink to loosen up but still have your wits about you. No, get absofuckinglutely plastered. You need to be a drunken, slobbering mess with no inhibitions and your deepest emotions— the ones that you've desperately been trying to hide for years—brought to the forefront. You need to be ready to spill the beans of embarrassment.

Step 4: Say the Worst Things Possible

Forget the polite, respectful, dignified, calm and collected small-talk. Go right for the jugular, your jugular that is. Come right out and confess your undying love, rehash the most vicious old argument, or say that you hope they're miserable without you and alone because they're a cold, heartless monster that no one could ever love. Or better yet, do all the above. Say any and all of the horrible thoughts that pop into your head. Heck, practice beforehand so you can perfect your performance. This is your time to shine. Squeeze all the embarrassment juice you can out of that lemon!

Step 5: Run Away Crying Immediately

Do not, I repeat, do not give them or any innocent bystanders any time to react. As soon as you know you've done as much damage as possible, bring on the crierworks. Let the tears flow, choke up, and run away as fast as you can, mumbling about how much you both love and hate them. Don't stop, and don't even head for your car. Run away in a straight line until you're far out of sight.

Step 6: Come Back Before Everyone Leaves

Come back after a decent amount of time has passed, enough so that everyone has gossipped about the travesty, but not so long that everyone is gone. Go back and mumble about having left your keys. Doesn't matter if you actually left them or not. You can fake finding them. But walk all around the room looking for them, so that you have to walk by everyone but not looking anyone in the eye. Then find your keys and this time walk out as slowly as possible with your head down. This is your walk of shame and you gotta make it last.

Step 7: Consider Suicide or Moving Far Away

You may be tempted to think that, even though you did great damage to yourself, this situation and all your problems can be fixed. This is a dangerous lie we tell ourselves. It's just not true. You've embarrassed yourself and screwed up your life so bad that there's no going back. You either have to kill yourself or move far far away and never speak to anyone that was there ever again. Whichever you decide, just burn it all down and disappear forever. Mope for the rest of life, never doing anything but feeling sorry for yourself and forget that anyone else has feelings and problems too. Don't let yourself be happy!