Foolproof Guide To Failure When Seeing Your Ex

The time has finally come: you're going to have to see the ex that dumped you in a social or professional situation. You're not ready and filled with fear, anxiety, and dread. Well, fret not, here is a foolproof guide to assure maximum failure and embarrassment!

Step 1: Panic

This one interaction is going to decide your entire life's future. You'll never love anyone else; it's just not possible and you're not capable. If you don't impress, they'll never get back together with you and no one else will ever love you. This failure will start an avalanche and the rest of your life will crumble and fall apart. You'll never succeed at anything and have to move back in with your parents and live in single, jobless misery for all eternity. You need freak the fuck out because everything, and I mean absolutely everything, is at stake here!

Step 2: Lose Focus and Perspective

Don't pay attention to anything else in the lead-up to your interaction. Lose all focus at work or in the job hunt, ignore what's going on around you and in your loved one's lives, stop exercising, stop eating, stop all your hobbies and chores, stop showering and grooming, stop flossing and brushing, just drop everything. Focus entirely on thinking about your ex and what will go wrong when you see them. Nothing else matters or exists.

Step 3: Get Plastered First

When the day and time finally comes, you need to pre-game hard. Don't just have a tiny little drink to loosen up but still have your wits about you. No, get absofuckinglutely plastered. You need to be a drunken, slobbering mess with no inhibitions and your deepest emotions— the ones that you've desperately been trying to hide for years—brought to the forefront. You need to be ready to spill the beans of embarrassment.

Step 4: Say the Worst Things Possible

Forget the polite, respectful, dignified, calm and collected small-talk. Go right for the jugular, your jugular that is. Come right out and confess your undying love, rehash the most vicious old argument, or say that you hope they're miserable without you and alone because they're a cold, heartless monster that no one could ever love. Or better yet, do all the above. Say any and all of the horrible thoughts that pop into your head. Heck, practice beforehand so you can perfect your performance. This is your time to shine. Squeeze all the embarrassment juice you can out of that lemon!

Step 5: Run Away Crying Immediately

Do not, I repeat, do not give them or any innocent bystanders any time to react. As soon as you know you've done as much damage as possible, bring on the crierworks. Let the tears flow, choke up, and run away as fast as you can, mumbling about how much you both love and hate them. Don't stop, and don't even head for your car. Run away in a straight line until you're far out of sight.

Step 6: Come Back Before Everyone Leaves

Come back after a decent amount of time has passed, enough so that everyone has gossipped about the travesty, but not so long that everyone is gone. Go back and mumble about having left your keys. Doesn't matter if you actually left them or not. You can fake finding them. But walk all around the room looking for them, so that you have to walk by everyone but not looking anyone in the eye. Then find your keys and this time walk out as slowly as possible with your head down. This is your walk of shame and you gotta make it last.

Step 7: Consider Suicide or Moving Far Away

You may be tempted to think that, even though you did great damage to yourself, this situation and all your problems can be fixed. This is a dangerous lie we tell ourselves. It's just not true. You've embarrassed yourself and screwed up your life so bad that there's no going back. You either have to kill yourself or move far far away and never speak to anyone that was there ever again. Whichever you decide, just burn it all down and disappear forever. Mope for the rest of life, never doing anything but feeling sorry for yourself and forget that anyone else has feelings and problems too. Don't let yourself be happy!