The Flagrant Foolish Flaws In Dumbledore's Plan

Don't worry, I'm well aware how terrible my Photoshopping is.

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian CheezWhiz Dumbledore is the smartest and greatest wizard in the history of the Wizarding World, of course, but he's also sometimes the dumbest. He himself admitted to Harry that his outstanding brilliance means his mistakes are "correspondingly huger." Boy, was he right. 

As clever as he was to discover Voldemort's secrets, he's incredibly lucky Voldemort didn't expose the flagrant flaws in his plan the way Harry exposed the glaring flaws in Voldemort's. Dumbledore's general strategy was to never put all his eggs in one basket and minimize the number of baskets, which was prudent since absolute secrecy was necessary to successful execution. If Voldemort had ever got an early whiff that his Horcrux secret was out, he'd have locked it down real quick, probably burying one or two in the deep depths of the ocean or floating in space where no one would ever find them, ensuring his immortality. (Which he should have done from the get-go, but thankfully his terrible ego prevented that. Phew!)

Considering Voldemort was a frighteningly effective Legilimens, Dumbledore was right to tell as few people as possible about the Horcruxes. Only he, Harry, Ron, and Hermione knew, and Ron and Hermione only because he knew Harry was a prat who needed help. And, I suppose, for backup in case Harry accidentally bit the dust. No one else in the Order knew because Dumbledore couldn't risk anyone being captured and having the secret ripped from their mind by Legilimancy. He did a good job of spreading that egg into three baskets, just enough to ensure the task got done and no more. 

However, beyond that, he did a pretty terrible job of spreading the eggs into enough baskets. For starters, he certainly should have had another chat with Harry about where he thought the rest of the Horcruxes could be and what they might be. Perhaps he was planning to and his death surprised him a bit earlier than expected, so I can sort of understand. But dude, hunting Horcruxes is dangerous and he knew it, so why the bloody hell didn't he tell Harry all his hunches before they went off to hunt one down together, in case things went south. Which, by the way, THEY DID! Dumbledore left Harry in the lurch for no good reason.

Artwork by Kazu Kibuishi 

Not to mention it was unbelievably stupid to go after the first Horcrux (the ring) alone when he was, at that point, the only person who knew about the Horcruxes (at least the only person not in denial, *cough* Slughorn *cough*). He's lucky Snape saved him and salvaged him another year of life, or else he could have died and no one would have known how to defeat Voldemort. Great plan, Stan!

Speaking of Snape, that brings me to the other flaw: Dumbledore only told one person that Harry was the final Horcrux (without actually telling Snape about Horcruxes) and had to willingly sacrifice himself to ensure its eradication. That person being Snape, who Dumbledore knew would be at insane risk after dutifully killing him. This isn't a question of trust, it's a question of practicality. What if one of the Order murdered Snape out of vengeance? What if Voldemort murdered Snape for good or no good reason? Dumbledore intended for Snape to earn the allegiance of the Elder Wand, therefore ensuring his safety in any duels, but he didn't take any actions whatsoever to make sure Snape knew to win it and take it off him. Nor did he consider that Malfoy or any other Death Eater might win it with a simple disarm.

Artwork by artsymptom

And even if Snape had the protection of the Elder Wand, what if he had a natural everyday accident and died? He put that egg in one basket, and it was the basket most at risk. Also the basket that would be least accessible to pass on the information to Harry since Snape would publicly be on Team Dark Lord after Dumbledore's death. Just how did Dumbledore reasonably expect Snape to ever get in contact with Harry, or even get close to him when everyone in the Order would be hellbent on keeping Snape away from him?

In fact, Voldemort did kill Snape for no good reason, and only through sheer luck was Harry there in the nick of time to receive his tearful memories for the Pensieve. If Harry hadn't been there, he would have never gotten the information. If Snape had died earlier, Harry never would have gotten the information. If the Horcrux ring had killed Dumbledore immediately, Harry never would have gotten any of the information. That's a lot of unnecessary ifs that could have been avoided had Dumbledore spread the eggs among more baskets.

Artwork by HogwartsHorror

As brilliant as Dumbledore was to discover Voldemort's secrets and bring about his ruin, time and time again Dumbledore's plan only succeeded because of, in the words of the great Professor McGonagall, "sheer dumb luck." He left gaping flaws in the plan that could have been—and nearly were—exploited and spelled doom for the entire world. Thankfully, they weren't and all was well. I know Dumbledore is only human and therefore flawed and capable of idiotic mistakes, but damn he was a downright dumbass sometimes. 

Still love him, though. Sherbet lemon!

5 Gym Douchebags That Should Be Executed On Sight

The gym is a great place to not only pursue physical fitness goals but also to reap all sorts of mental and emotional benefits along the way in a great Greek-poem-worthy quest of self-improvement. At least, it is when gym bros aren't being giant douchebags and ruining it for everyone else.

Although most people at the gym are perfectly nice and cool, douchey gym bros definitely do exist and all it takes is one to wreak havoc on the entire gym. (On the rare occasions I've had to go in the afternoon, I've noticed there seems to be a higher concentration of them than in the early morning when almost everyone is good peoples.)

Now, I could politely talk to these douchebags when they're committing douchebaggery, but why do that when I can write a passive aggressive blog post defining the different types of douchebags and advocating for their execution? So, in no particular order:

1) Multiple Machine Mark

The international symbol for "Piss off, this seat is taken."

I say machines only for the alliteration; what I mean is machines or free weight stations. Some equipment is in high demand and short supply, which creates competition for its use and, therefore, sometimes the dreaded wait. No one likes to have to pause their workout and, if you're lifting and doing it right, you're doing lifts in a very specific order so you can't necessarily just do something else. Frustration is understandable.

To combat this, some assholes think they can just hog multiple stations simultaneously, marking their territory with towels/bottles/duffle bags/etc and hopping back and forth at their leisure. Some Marks only go between two and some create a whole god damn circuit for themselves.

While it's fine to jump back and forth if the equipment happens to be free, you can't reserve multiple for yourself. That's incredibly selfish and it wrecks the supply and demand economy of the gym; one machine or station is all you get to lay claim to. Multiple Machine Mark, may the force be with you...the force of an olympic barbell right up your ass, that is!

2) Rack Refuser Randy

You've got to be fucking kidding me...

A Randy refuses to rerack the weights after he's done with them because why clean up after himself when he can force a stranger to do it for him? Randy is much too important and busy to tend to such trivial matters. 

Not only is Randy selfish and lazy, he's causing confusion because after he's gone, the next person won't know if the equipment is actually free or if someone is still using it. They can give the "is someone using this" look to people nearby, but even they might not be sure. Randy is making other people do his chores and slowing the equipment usage rate. Randy, let's see how dandy you feel when I drop the 100-pound plate on your inflated skull!

3) Rack Remiss Ralph

Why?

Ralph is Randy's slightly less lazy cousin. Ralph attempts to rerack the weights after he's done with them, but haphazardly shoves them wherever with no regard for order. He creates chaotic messes of different plate sizes all occupying the same rack or blocks weights on a rack from being accessible with overhanging plates from a different rack. Ralph, even though he at least puts them up instead of just leaving them there like Randy, usually creates even more work for strangers because it's all bedlam. Ralph, thanks but no thanks for trying. I'm going to impale you on the A-frame rack and block your corpse with a disarray of plates.

4) Chatty Cathy Charley

Oh, what a neat jaw exercise.

Why Charley when the name Cathy is already in the term? For one, three words are needed for respectable alliteration. Two, the normal gender stereotypes are mysteriously reversed in the gym. Women focus hardcore and rarely talk, while men suddenly become gossiping little schoolgirls if they see a bro. 

If people are shooting the breeze at a station instead of actually doing work, it's always men. They seem to forget they're at a gym to focus and work out, instead somehow mistaking the gym for a god damn bar. They may intend to have a brief chat for a matter of seconds but wind up talking for twenty minutes, long past valid rest time in between sets. They waste valuable equipment time and create a backlog of waiters. Chatty Cathy Charleys, let's see how well you chat after I've knocked your teeth out with a dumbbell punch!

5) Peering Pervert Pauly

Don't be this guy.

Pauly is a creepster who glares at and ogles women constantly or, even worse, tries to interrupt their workout to flirt with them. I don't think more needs to be said. Pauly, I'm going to fasten your degenerate eyeballs to the cable fly and rip them from your skull.