Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 3)

Back to "Saved by the Bell" after a week off. Today I explore the unbelievable love life of Zack Morris.

Zack is a Sex God

Watching as a kid, I knew Zack Morris was cool. Nearly every male wanted to be him when we grew up. Part of that was in admiration of his incredible prowess with the ladies. Zack basically got to have any girl he wanted. At graduation, he even makes a joke about it, estimating that he had eighty-something girlfriends in four years. Watching this as an adult, however, has been a little horrifying. Zack isn't just a cool dude who gets a lot of girls; he is an outright sex god.

Zack doesn't just have a high success rate with his pursuits of the opposite sex; women and girls fawn over him if he gives them so much as a smile. Any attention he shows any girl is met with subservient worship. Girls seem awestruck by the mighty presence of the sex god before them. The scary thing is that this isn't limited to girls as grown women fawn over him too. When Zack is in the hospital, the nurses all have hard-ons for him. The rich adult female customers of Malibu Sands are delighted by Zack's advances. A UCLA student falls for him (albeit believing he is also an undergraduate). Only one adult woman does not succumb to Zack's powers: the new nurse who messes with his head when it's revealed that Zack has been giving his girlfriend the cold shoulder for her. If he had been unburdened by a girlfriend and morally free to pursue her, who knows, she too might have fallen for him.

It isn't just momentary flirtations; twice Zack forges serious romantic relationships with adult women who profess their love for him. The first is when Zack is about to be a senior in high school: Stacey Carosi, the jerk boss's college daughter and assistant manager of Malibu Sands. This one isn't too bad. It's never stated how old she is, so she could have just finished up her freshmen year for all we know. Still, at best she's 19 and Zack is 17, which is kinda hinky at that age. 17 year old boys are idiots, and 19 year old women know it. The second adult relationship, also presumably when Zack is 17 and about to be a senior: Andrea, the single mother from the Hawaiian Style special. She has a 4 year old that she had late in high school, so she's about 4 years older than Zack...and with a kid. Heck, she even already has a boyfriend, yet she falls in love with a 17 year old boy who is only there on vacation. Such is the incredible power of Zack the Sex God. Also, both these relationships are statutory rape territory. Yikes.

To be fair, Zack does have troubles with the opposite sex. Kelly dumps him for an older man, both the adult women break it off when it's about to become long distance, Screech's cousin lays into Zack for using her to get back at Kelly, he strikes out with Jessie's soon-to-be stepmother, the new girl rejects both him and Slater after fighting over her, and the handicapped girl rejects him when he doesn't know how to deal with her disability. Zack does suffer consequences with the ladies when he's a douche, but even with what surely has to be a horrid reputation, they continue to fawn over him.

Hell, the show still falters with giving Zack his due comeuppance. Late in their senior year, Zack and Kelly finally get back together. However, it's not after some grand, wonderful, respectful romantic gesture by Zack; it's after he is a double douche once again. Kelly was first asked out by another hunk, and Zack manipulates him into bailing on her. Kelly is understandably furious with Zack, but when Zack finally gets her to listen and says that he did it because he still loves her and wants her back, Kelly forgets all about how horrible this was and gets back together with him saying it feels right. Facepalm. Way to teach boys a lesson (and teach girls to stand up for themselves), Kelly.

While he does not have a perfect record, Zack is so successful and worshiped by the opposite sex, he might as well be a sex god. I am horrified by the implications of this as an influence on young boys. Be the cool guy and girls will not only flock to you, but kiss the ground you walk on. This is an irresponsible and terrible message to send. I'm thankful the show had Zack get in trouble with girls to try and teach boys to respect them because they are people with their own thoughts and feelings and not just objects of desire. Still, the show sends a clear message: be cool and you can be a sex god. And having been a young boy myself, I can tell you they most likely forget about the "be cool" stipulation and go straight to believing they can be sex gods.

Even if boys pay attention to the respecting females part, they are still going to be consciously or unconsciously hoping their life plays out like Zack's. They are still going to hope and maybe believe that they should be able to attract any girl they want. Even if they fully intend to respect those girls once they "have" them, that expectation is dangerous. It not only sets them up to be blindsided by rejection and ignorant of how to cope, it probably counteracts the idea of respecting females if they are a expected goal to obtained regardless of their own agency.

I won't be dramatic the way other modern news/humor sites are about such topics and claim that "Saved by the Bell" ruined a whole generation of young boys. Who knows how much bad influence the show played in our lives; there were certainly many other influences in our development. But I can say this: the show sure as shit did not help. When it comes to dating and relationships, it did not influence boys in a positive way. Shame on you SBTB!

Let It Go - AE Remix

I recently made the decision to quit assistant editing reality television.  So this week, taking a break from Saved by the Bell to let the cathartic lyrics of Elsa take over and make parodic light of my plight. Here is "Let It Go," the AE remix:

The screen glows bright in my tired eyes all day,

Not any footage to missed.

A dark bay of isolation

And it looks like I’m the pawn.

Avid is howling like this raging storm inside.

Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.

Be the good AE you always have to be.

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.

Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go!

Can’t do this crap anymore.

Let it go, let it go!

Turn away the slam the door.

I don’t care what they’re going to say!

Let producers rage on.

Unemployment never bothered me anyway.

It’s funny how some distance,

Makes everything seem small.

And the stress that once controlled me,

Can’t get to me at all.

It’s time to see what I can do,

To test the limits of savings.

No producers or editors bugging me.

I’m free!

Let it go, let it go!

I am one with my cat and home.

Let it go, let it go!

You’ll never see me sync!

Here I nap, and here I’ll stay.

Let the shows go on!

My creativity flows through me and into my reel.

My soul is spiraling in an existential crisis.

But one thought crystallizes like an iced coffee.

I’m never going back,

The past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go!

And I’ll rise like the planet of apes.

Let it go, let it go!

That perfect AE is gone.

Here I squint, in the light of day!

Let ex-bosses rage on!

Unemployment never bothered me anyway.

Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 2)

It's time for round two of my thoughts seeing "Saved by the Bell" in new light as an adult. This time, just one lengthy hypothesis:

They Might Be Serial Killers

Remember Max, the delightful, prescient, magician-waiter-owner of The Max? If you've been watching the later seasons as I have, you might have to jog your memory a bit, because he suddenly disappeared with no explanation. In an early Season Two episode, the gang throws a telethon to raise money for Max, who is in deep doo-doo over back-rent owed. If he can't come up with $10,000, he's done and dusted. The gang miraculously saves Max, and in turn, save The Max. They get to keep their hangout spot and their cooky friend. All is well... and then he's never seen again.

That's pretty suspicious timing. Why ditch a character early in the season without explanation? They could easily have an episode where Max says, "Hey kids, I'm gonna chill as owner and hire a full crew of waiters and management. It was nice knowing you!" A big deal is made about how he is saved so he can continue serving and entertaining the kids, and then he is just gone in the blink of a 29.97fps drop-frame. The actor didn't bail between seasons; there is no reason to not have an exit for the character on-screen.

If it was just him, I could chalk it up to behind the scenes politics or budgeting issues. However, he is not the only character to suddenly disappear. This happens time and time again. A big two-parter is dedicated to Jessie's new stepbrother moving to town, being a douche, and then redeeming himself so well that Jessie begs him to say. He agrees to stay at Bayside, now to be Jessie's best buddy brother and a permanent member of the gang...and is never seen or mentioned again. Zack and Jessie spend an episode fighting for a girl's right to be on the wrestling team, ending in a romantic relationship between her and Zack. She's never seen again. Violet Bickerstaff, Screech's nerd-mate played by Tori Spelling, pops up in a few episodes to date Screech, and is never seen again. They never break up, it's never mentioned that she moved away or any other explanation given. She simply disappears. Speaking of Tori's, there's character Tori, who swoops into Season Five to replace out-of-contract and missing actors Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley. Tori becomes an integral part of Season Five and the gang; she's billed in the main title sequence! She's with the gang all the way through the second to last episode in which they write a school song before they graduate to leave for future students...and then suddenly she's not a part of graduation.

While it's normal in sitcoms for guest stars to pop up for an episode or two and then disappear, this is different. We're talking about a high school. If you're a student (or in the case of Max, a worker adjacent and tied to the school), you will be there and around the gang five days a week, nine months out of the year, until you graduate or move to another school. Too many times students are established in the series and then never seen again. This is impossible if they are still going to the school. And that's precisely what the show sets up: that they are permanent students at Bayside!

Too many disappear without explanation. Something fishy is going on at Bayside, and I think I've cracked it. Our beloved gang are serial killers. They are such a strong, tight-knit, hexagonal group of six that can't possibly function with any lasting intruders. People can come for a brief time and be a part of or influence their gang, but they can't stay. The purity must be preserved. So they kill any threats to the group. Max was getting too close, Jessie's step-brother was going to ruin the harmonic balance, the hot wrestler threatened Kelly and Jessie's dominance, Lisa couldn't have Violet around depriving her of sadistic rejections of Screech, and Jessie and Kelly rid the gang of their replacement Tori as soon as they got back from their mysterious absence. They all had to go. And since there are no investigations, the rest of the school must be helping them. The rest of the student body always bows down before our gang; they are pretty much idols to everyone else. Hell, even Belding worships the kids. They must be all in on it, because that's how insanely influential and powerful this gang is! Man, I can't ever think of these kids the same way again...

Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 1)

Most of us grew up with Saved by the Bell and remember it fondly. Some of us were young enough that it gave us laughably inaccurate ideas of how high school would be. I think we all know it's flawed, has serious continuity issues,  and is cringe-inducing cheesy, but I still find it a beautiful gem. It will always hold a place in my heart.

Watching it again as an adult though, I've had some amusing, unsettling, and sometimes double-take observations about it (and yes, I know Cracked covered Zack's sociopathy and other amusing observations, so I won't retread their ground). In the interest of making this more digestible, I'm breaking it down into several parts over the next few weeks. Come join me on my ride. Here we go!

They Are All Douchebags

In the first season, they are all jerks. Rare is the episode that does not revolve around Zack enacting some selfish scheme that involves being a total dick to his friends. He deeply wounds them and doesn't realize what he's done until the friendship almost dissolves. Only when it's shoved in his face is he capable of thinking about others.

Screech is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. He doesn't understand that "no means no" and exhibits a scary lack of respect for Lisa, continuing to harass her despite her repeated rejection. Lisa, in turn, is completely wretched to Screech. Though understandable given the sexual harassment, she exhibits no empathy for him and treats him like dirt at every opportunity.  She crosses the line big time; it's a miracle he doesn't commit suicide.

Zack and Slater fight over Kelly all the time as if she were a prize to win and not a real person. They are date rape cases waiting to happen. Although they acknowledge that Kelly would have to choose one of them to have her, they don't even consider the possibility she would reject both of them.  They don't really think Kelly has a choice to make so much as recognize who the true alpha male top dog is and give him what's due. Even worse, Slater repeatedly expresses his belief that women are substandard humans. Even if he's joking, it's not very funny and every joke contains an ounce of truth...

Kelly doesn't really do anything harmful to anyone, but is a hollow shell of a human that doesn't possess agency. She smiles and laughs as the two fight over her like a trophy. Most of the time she finds it cute. Not once does she stand up for herself in the face of such horrific misogyny, nor realize it for what it is.

Jesse is really the only decent human being in the first season, when she's not busy shoving her political and ideological propaganda down everyone's throats, telling men that they are all pigs, or being cruel to short guys.

Thankfully, the showrunners and writers pulled their heads out of their asses and made them all much less douchey going forward.

Max Can See The Future

Max, the lovable magician-owner-waiter of the gang's burger hangout, The Max, somehow always has the right trick for the gang to address their problems. Sometimes, he can be given the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just carrying that chicken all shift long waiting for an opportune moment to bust that magic trick out. But other times, he's eerily timely.

In one episode, the gang forgets about Screech's birthday (I would cite this as further evidence of their douchbaggery, but considering they didn't have Facebook or smartphones to inform them of his birthday, it's understandable). They call Max over and ask him to bake Screech a belated cake, and he immediately busts out a ready-made customized cake for Screech. The only explanation for this and other instances is that Max can see the future. He is prescient. He is Paul mother fuckin' Maud'Dib Atreides!

Sadly, badass Maux'Dib suddenly disappears after the second season. But more on that later... (cue eerie music).