Kubrick's "The Shining" Is Overrated

(SPOILER ALERT! Goes without saying for film spoilers, but big novel spoilers as well)

Before you start throwing tomatoes at me, or rocks, or drunkenly break my arm because I messed up your papers, let me assure you: I don't think "The Shining" is a bad movie. It has a lot of things going for it. In fact, I think it has some of the most incredible atmosphere ever for a horror movie. The atmosphere is so good that, when I was first exposed to it briefly as kid in its cameo drive-in theater appearance in "Twister," I had no clue what that movie was but I knew I really really really wanted to see it. It also has one of the best trailers ever made (but that's a subject for another day). So what's my problem with it? It does not live up to its potential given the source material of its novel.

Now don't get me wrong; this is not a cliche "the book was better" whine. Films and books are completely different mediums and changes must always be made in an adaptation. This isn't about that. In fact, I think that in some ways the film improved on the book (at least for it's form as a film). It is definitely creepier, it's efficient where the book sometimes dragged on and took too much time, it introduced some scary ass motha fuckas that weren't at all in the book or improved upon them, and having Hallorann killed as soon as he comes to save the day was fucking brilliant. What it doesn't have that the book has oodles of: character.

In the film, Jack is already on the edge and looks ready to crack form the get-go. Dude just seems crazy underneath the attempting-to-be-calm-and-happy exterior. It's the Jack Nicholson effect. The film-only reveal that all he wrote since the beginning was "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" blatantly shows he was a screw loose the entire film. Hell, he doesn't even seem to really care that much about his family. Wendy is nothing more than a meek victim who cowers in various states of fear the whole film and seems to be waiting for Jack to go off the deep end and murder everyone in sight.  If this were original material, there probably wouldn't be anything wrong with this. But it's not. It's based off a novel that has real, believable, honest-to-god characters with interesting arcs!

In the novel, Jack is definitely troubled, but he's not on the edge of a cliff. The whole novel is really about alcoholism. He's a recovering alcoholic who has messed up a few times and accidentally hurt his son, but he truly regrets it, loves his family, and is doing his best to be better. And he is doing better; it takes a lot of damn pages for the hotel to finally dig its claws into him and overwhelm him. When that does it happen, it's all the more tragic because if it weren't for the creepy power of the evil hotel, he might have succeeded in turning things around.  Isn't it scarier to see someone make a big progression and leap into madness than someone who already seems mad to begin with?

Moreover, in the novel, Wendy is certainly not a meek victim. She's taken some emotional punches for sure, but she does not roll over and cower in fright on ever fucking page. She stands up to Jack, they argue, they fight, they connect and make love, she challenges him and questions him, she doubts him but still makes efforts to support him, sometimes she hates him and sometimes she loves him...it's complicated, as it should be dealing with a real marriage and alcoholism. So when Jack is finally overtaken by the evil, it's more tragic and heartbreaking for her, and our terror as an audience heightens to full potential as terror finally falls upon her and all hope for her husband destroyed. It's a much bigger sucker-punch.

Lastly, the film completely leaves out the emotional climax and crux of Jack's character arc. In the film, Danny outwits his dad in the maze and Jack freezes to death. It's not inherently bad, because it makes Danny an active protagonist. Yet, once again, because the source material provided actual fucking character, it's a huge misstep. In the novel, much ado is made about the boiler all throughout the story. That's primarily why Jack is there: to maintain the boiler or it will explode. And that's just what happens in the novel. Once Jack descends into madness, the boiler is forgotten. Right before he's about to kill his son, Jack attempts to take his own life for the good of everyone before the demons overtake him and destroy the last of his heart and soul, taking over his body. But Danny smartly reminds him/them that they forgot the boiler. Jack and the demons make haste to fix the boiler but it's too late. Boom! End of Jack and the evil hotel demons. It makes Jack a real fucking character and Danny STILL is an active protagonist who saves his own skin. And it stays true to the boiler premise set up at the beginning of the story. Why the fucking fuck in all fucking bloody fucking hell would you strip that down?

Once again, I will say the film isn't bad. If it was a completely original piece, I'd think much higher of it because it is creepy as hell and very memorable. Some day I may watch it again. However, it fails to mine the source material and reach it's highest potential. Kubrick had a chance to make a creepy and character-driven film, but he just went with creepy. It's a lazy copout; he avoided the challenge. I find that unacceptable and it's a crime to consider this one of the greats of all time in light of that. It could have been so much more!

Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 6)

This is it. That last of my SBTB observations. It's been fun, and if you're still reading, thanks! And don't worry, my list of worst and best SBTB moments will be coming soon to close this journey out.

The Wedding in Vegas is Just Weird

It's off. It's weird. It doesn't feel right. The actors are clearly older now, they all have new stupid haircuts, it's lit like a tv movie instead of a flat sit-com, we see the exterior of Bayside for the first time, Zack's house is completely different, Gilbert Gottfried is there, the actors seem to have checked out...it just feels...weird. Sure, there's the typical SBTB shenanigans: Zack scheming, Screech being an idiot, Lisa being shallow, Belding being Belding, Kelly is a boring blank, Slater meets a new mate, and there's a ridiculous plot entanglement (oh gosh the mob!). On paper, it should be Saved by the Bell; in reality, it feels like a creepy robot trying to imitate SBTB but subtly malfunctions.

The strangest part is the Jessie Spano cameo. It's well-known now that she was absent from most of the movie because Elizabeth Berkley was in Vegas filming "Showgirls" instead. So when she comes in, just knowing Berkley was taking a break from "Showgirls" to be there is weird enough. What makes it weirder is that Jessie looks straight out of showgirls with the golden tan and whore hair. It looks like makeup and wardrobe didn't bother Jessie-izing her. It almost makes you feel like "holy shit, Jessie is a fucking stripper now!" And then her tears make it even worse. Jessie tears up at the reception, supposedly from joy. But that's not what I saw in Elizabeth Berkely's eyes: I saw a depressed actor crying in shame, realizing she's made a huge mistake (cue Gob meme), wishing she had not done "Showgirls" and had just done SBTB instead. Call me crazy but I swear to the gods that's what I saw. I may be wrong about why she was crying, but I'm not wrong that Elizabeth was crying and not Jessie.

MISC

Lisa has a crazy-ass unibrow the first few seasons. How the fuck did they let that happen? How did that get on air? Were they conscious of it? Perhaps they were trying to reach out to unibrow kids and let them know it's okay? Well fuck that. As a former unibrower myself: kids, pluck that shit!

Zack and Screech totally became gigolos. Uhhhh...wasn't this meant for kids?

For the Valentine's Day episode, they do a clip show where the characters "remember" prior romantic moments. So to celebrate the day of love, they basically phoned it in and put in minimal effort, not unlike many bad relationships.

The gang is unbelievably good at many things that take a lot of talent: music videos, dancing, rock band, a capella, entrepreneurship, DJing, photography, drinking and driving...the list goes on and on and on. No way in hell could we ever achieve as much as they do. SBTB might singlehandedly be responsible for the insane and unmeetable expectations, hopes, and dreams of our generation. Thanks a lot, guys.

They exist in a weird universe where alcohol and drugs exist, but not sex. Though, everyone still has horny urges; I guess they get off just by making out. But where do babies come from? Stork order?

The Most Horrifying Realization of All

The show is called "Saved by the Bell," but not once is any character ever saved by the bell. The whole show was a sham!

Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 5)

Screech is Either the Greatest Genius in the History of Humanity...or From the Future

In the first two seasons, Screech has a robot named Kevin. Kevin is not just a simple robot though; he is a bona fide artificial intelligence capable of engaging in full conversation like a human, possesses empathy and emotions, accurately analyzes and reacts to human and environmental stimuli, drinks root beer, cracks jokes...basically he might as well be human. Considering Kevin debuts in 1989, Screech must be the greatest genius in the history of humanity, or he's from the future and brought this way-ahead-of-its-time robot with him. Either way, the writers deprived us of some amazing story lines by not examining this. Sadly, much like many characters on the show, after season two Kevin just mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Poor Screech.

The Theme Song Randomly Changes

Towards the end of season one, an alternate version of the theme song is introduced. They occasionally play it instead of the regular version, with no explanation or apparent pattern. And then after season two it's never heard again. I'm starting to think this was some weird psychological experiment. Not sure what the endgame was, but I'm onto you NBC...


The Kids Must Never Sleep

Throughout the course of the series, the gang participates in nearly every extra-curricular activity possible: school council, radio station, ROTC, school store, swim team, track, cheerleading, rock band, glee club, basketball, football, wrestling, chess, hosting every single school dance or event, teen hotline, academic bowl, yearbook staff, drama club, dance club, prom committee, homecoming committee... just about every committee possible. Hell, I'm not even sure this list is complete! Now, we could assume they get bored of these very quickly and dump each activity for another, but even then there's no way any high school student could cram that many different activities in four years. You would have to be constantly quitting and joining another one practically every month, and it wouldn't take long to gain the reputation as a quitter. Pretty soon, no club would want you.

Moreover, we see them repeating many of these activities multiple times throughout the series. We are left to assume they continue some of these activities off-screen. Clearly, there's no way they could keep up with all these commitments, still maintain extremely active social lives, have time to pursue Zack's crazy schemes, get their homework done (at least in the case of Jessie and Screech who clearly do their homework), and get sleep. So either they never sleep, or Bayside is the SoCal version of Hogwarts and they all have time-turners to keep up with this stuff. Zack does have the power to stop time, after all...

Post Bacon Depression

It's time to address what is a growing problem not just in America, but all over the world. I'm talking, of course, about Post Bacon Depression. I recently added bacon to my daily breakfast, and it has been a wonderful addition that has truly elevated my life and brought much joy. However, it's also brought to my attention the prevalence and horror of Post Bacon Depression (hereafter referred to as PBD).

Bacon is a marvelous drug. Yes, it is primarily food, but it is also a powerful and addictive drug. Once you go bacon, you don't go backon it (don't worry, even I cringed writing that lame, lame, lame pun). It is absolute delicious, even in its alternative forms: turkey and veggie bacon. The taste of it and the feelings it elicits are truly indescribable. Vegetarians and vegans aren't even left out of this as veggie facon, while still inferior, has nearly the same impact. The fact of the matter is, when you're eating bacon, you are in heaven.

Unfortunately, there's an ugly side to this. Once you are finished, there is a brief period of absolute sadness. It's like a Dementor has entered the room; all feelings of joy have been sucked away, and all that's left is depression. For in this moment, although deep down you know it's not true, even though logic screams it out, you feel as if you've just experienced the best part of your day, and it's all downhill from there. This feeling sometimes lasts for only a few seconds or, on bad days, maybe a few minutes. Then it thankfully disappears and all is back to normal. The day goes on and PBD is forgotten about.

It might not seem serious, but it is. The problem with PBD is that it leaves one utterly vulnerable and teetering on the edge. If bad news is heard during this time, it could break someone and push them over the edge. Hearing of the loss of a loved one, finding out you've been laid off, getting dumped, etc... anything else bad is dangerous. Who knows what drastic or fatal measures one might take when their soul is ripped apart during PBD.

Something must be done to address this. I'm not a medical, scientific, or psychological expert, so I don't know have the answers. The only advice I can offer up is that we all exercise caution, kindness, and sympathy to those suffering from PBD. If a loved one, friend, co-worker, acquaintance, or even enemy has just finished their bacon: hold back and delay the bad news until you are sure they've moved past their PBD. It's also possible you might not know if someone is currently suffering from PBD, so in the morning hours, just be careful. If truly bad news must be delivered, test the waters, ask what they had for breakfast, break the ice first in case of PBD. And if you know that you are suffering from PBD, do not check the news, do not check the scores, do not check your bank account...just do not check up on anything!

Let's all be mindful of this dangerous problem. In the words of Bill and Ted, "be excellent to each other!" (Do you know how hard it was for me not to make the eggsellent pun. Ah crap, I've gone and done it anyway. See what horrors PBD can bring!!!???)

Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 4)

The Writers And Program Schedulers Were On Crack

We're probably all aware that "Saved by the Bell" had continuity issues, but it wasn't until watching it all through recently that I realized just how bad they are. The show actually has pretty decent continuity for the first two seasons, aside from characters coming into play and then suddenly disappearing (as previously discussed). Zack and Slater vie for Kelly, Kelly chooses Zack and they become a couple, Slater and Jessie become a couple, Screech sexually harasses Lisa, and she in turn continues to be horrible to him. It all plods along coherently.

However, starting with season three, continuity seriously derails like "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (literally, as in the bad guys being derailed in the mine carts; not the quality of the franchise, because "Temple of Doom" is awesome). Kelly dumps Zack for that jerk Jeff and then bam: next episode they're all starting summer jobs at Malibu Sands. Zack and Kelly are totally cool being friends now, Zack is suddenly falling for Stacey Carosi, and Slater and Jessie are now just friends too. Also, it's suddenly summer. The episode after that: bam, they're back at school and Zack is falling apart after the breakup with Kelly. Then back to Malibu Sands for a delightful volleyball competition, then back to school and Zack is having surgery and being a chickenshit, back to Malibu, back to school... so and and so forth for the remainder of the Malibu Sands episodes. Was this just an idiotic scheduling decision by the network? The way things are written, Malibu Sands clearly takes place the summer after the school year in which Zack/Kelly and Slater/Jessie breakup. It seems that the writers intended for this to all make sense if aired in chronological order, so I can only assume the program schedulers were on crack in this case.

Later that season, there is more craziness. Jessie is nowhere to be seen in the "All in the Mall" episode of candid camera hijinks and trying to buy U2 tickets. I guess Jessie Spano was way ahead of her time with hating U2. It's understandable that an actor might have to be absent occasionally, but the characters act like she doesn't even exist. There's no mention of her and why she's not with them. All they had to do was slip in one line about Jessie and job done.

The Palm Springs Weekend two-parter screws with the relationship continuity again. Slater and Jessie are still "going steady" at school, but are suddenly broken up for Jessie's dad's wedding where Slater ends up dating a princess. In the very next episode, Jessie gets royally jealous when she thinks the new female wrestler is after her man. Say what? Slater and Jessie don't break up until cut day late in the season, so what the heck is the Palm Springs two-parter (which seems to take place in summer) doing in the middle of the season? And what impression did this make on young kids, seeing characters switch back and forth unexplained between dating each other and dating other people?

Lastly, of course, there's the Tori craziness. After filming the initial order of episodes, the network decided to extend the final season, but Tiffany and Elizabeth declined to continue, leaving Kelly and Jessie out of the picture for those episodes. Naturally, the writers brought in a new character: tough girl Tori. What they could have done was air all the Tori episodes as a block somewhere in the season (except the very end), and had the characters mention that Kelly and Jessie were both studying abroad or doing a foreign exchange program. That would have made perfect sense, right?

So what did they do? They alternated between Tori and Kelly/Jessie episodes, creating a very weird senior year. The gang are hanging out with Kelly and Jessie one episode, and then the next they're suddenly mysteriously absent and the gang is hanging out with Tori. One episode Zack and Tori are furiously making out, the next Zack is single and playing the field. Are we supposed to assume that sometimes the gang has Tori shenanigans, and sometimes Kelly/Jessie, but never all together? That wouldn't even make sense, given the relationship continuity issues. This gets especially crazy at the end of the season when Zack and Kelly rekindle their relationship. It seems to come out of nowhere, especially since Kelly was nowhere to be seen in the episode prior where a big hullabaloo is made about Zack dating Slater's sister. Heck, Tori and Zack never even officially break up. At the end of the year, Tori is around to help write the new school song as their senior gift right before graduating, but then magically she's gone and Kelly and Jessie are back for graduation. What...the...fuck?

This situation seems to be a combination of lazy writing and insane program scheduling. Based on all the evidence, I can only come to the conclusion that both the writers and network schedulers were on crack. I hope they enjoyed whatever wild rides their drugged-up minds took them on.