Ignore the fact that the title of this post sounds like the title of a The Big Bang Theory episode. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I happen to like TBBT and if you're judging me for that, perhaps you should stop spending so much time judging others and more time judging yourself! Oops, that got way off topic. Back to business:
I have observed that when the winter holidays come around, single or newly dating people's romantic emotions tend to get a little out of whack. A crush that would normally be minor and unobtrusive can inflate to straight up bees-knees-crazy-banana-pants. A relationship in the early stages of dating can quickly turn from a slow, sane, naturally moving ferris wheel into a let's-now-fall-in-love-too-soon roller-coaster. Romantic feelings suddenly get heightened, and those that don't have their life partner yet consciously or unconsciously start frantically trying to lock it down. The culprit to blame is the holiday season. After careful and completely unscientific observation, I have dubbed this condition the Holiday Infatuation Exacerbation Effect (hereafter referred to as HIEE). So hi!
Normally, the media is one of the biggest crooks in brainwashing us with horrible ideas about love (tease: this will be the subject of a future blog post!), but surprisingly I think they're just a bit player in this drama. Although there are Christmas films that center around romantic love (see Love Actually, the greatest romantic comedy ever made and that will ever exist), there are plenty of Christmas staples that don't: Home Alone, A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Vacation, The Santa Clause, etc. Sure, every single stupid yet charming ABC Family Christmas special revolves around a character denying and then realizing their true love, but that's every ABC Family special anyway and they aren't exactly holding sway over the social consciousness at large. Entertainment and media communicate a little bit that romantic love is supposed to be a part of the holidays, but not enough to explain the phenomenon.
The head honcho of HIEE is just the nature of the holidays; romantic love is built into the culture of winter holidays. While the primary message is that it's a time to spend with family, what is the cornerstone of family? Parents: romantic life partners. When you're a kid, you can just spend time with your parents, siblings, grandparents, and extended family without a second thought. But sometime after puberty and into adulthood, you can't help but consciously or subconsciously think about making your own family. Whether you want kids or not, at the very least you will desire a romantic life partner (and anyone who claims they don't at all desire that is either a liar-liar-pants-on-fire or in serious denial and in dire need of self awareness). The older you get, the bigger this inclination or desire becomes. You just can't help it; the clock is ticking and time is slowly running out. The more you see your family, friends, and colleagues find love and make their own families, the more you feel that you should have it and need to have it. You can talk to yourself with logic and reason all you want, but the heart just wants some love, man! There is no escape from HIEE.
So what to do? Well, that's the part I'm still working on. Now that we have defined HIEE, we can work on ways to counteract it. I've a got a few ideas we can all try out: If you feel the effects on yourself, you gotta do something to yank yourself down from the clouds and back to earth. When in the heat of the moment, give yourself a little slap to the face. If anyone wonders what the heck you're doing, just say you were swatting a fly. If they ask how there could possibly be a fly inside in winter, slap them and just walk away. Or keep a spray bottle around and sprits yourself like you're a misbehaving cat. But unlike a cat, learn from the experience and don't just give everyone death stares while you continue passive aggressive behavior. Or you just ignore reason and sanity and go for it; let the dice roll and see what craps happens.
Whatever you do around the holiday season, just be aware of the Holiday Infatuation Exacerbation Effect. Whatever actions you take in your own romantic life, just be prepared to live with the consequences. If you observe a loved one suffering from HIEE, let them do their thing...unless they're about to do something massively stupid and pathetic. Then maybe stop them...eh...on second thought, they'll just be pissed at you and bitter about it. Let them be stupid and learn from their mistake...if they ever learn. Eh, whatever. Let's all just eat, drink, and be merry and let the romantic stupidities fly!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
A Toddler Survival Guide For The Extremely Sleep Deprived
As adults in modern society, we are all familiar with sleep deprivation. It's pretty much a normal part of our lives whether it's rare, occasional, or constant. We've all learned to deal with it and function as best we can under moderate sleep deprivation. But then there are those rare cases of extreme sleep deprivation: the kind that only comes under the deadly combo of severe life/work exhaustion and accumulated days/weeks of sleep deprivation. You know it's extreme when all you can think of is how badly you want to sleep, feel like crying all day, and can barely function as a human being including basic needs such as eating. When you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, there is no cure or aid but sleep.
Unfortunately, for parents and babysitters, there come times when you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation and find yourself alone and solely responsible for a toddler. That toddler is going to wake up way too early and there's nothing you can do about it. You have no choice but to stay awake and there will be no respite until naptime. Only then can you find a brief and glorious reprieve from your woes. In order to help us all, I've decided to write a survival guide based on my own experience. There are seven steps because, ya know, it's the strongest magical number. If it worked for Voldycakes...
Step 1: Cry
If you're a parent, wake up a few minutes before your toddler and cry. If you're a babysitter, cry on the drive over. You're so tired you don't just want to cry, you NEED to cry. And you can't do it front of the toddler, so do it before toddler madness begins. Cry hard. It's okay. Listen to Elsa and let it go!
Step 2: Caffeinate
You have no hope of survival without your good and dear friend, caffeine. Even if it's against your diet or moral code, cheat today. If you do not, you will lose your damn mind. Or you might fall asleep, and if you fall asleep during toddler madness, you will probably awake to find the walls covered in permanent marker, a poop explosion all over your nicest stuff, your phone unbelievably unlocked by the toddler with an "I mith you" text somehow sent to your ex, etc... The possibilities are nearly endless, but all disastrous. You must stay awake!
Step 3: Know What Kind of Tired Person You Are
There are two kinds of tired people: those that need to be as lazy as possible and those that need to be as active as possible in order to make it through the day. It's absolutely crucial you know which you are if you are to make it to naptime. If you are the lazy type, see Step 4A. If you are the active type, see step 4B.
Step 4A: Enlist the Help of Friends
No, I'm not talking about real live people. You are alone. But you do have Netflix, blu-rays, Hulu, cable tv, etc. Who cares if it rots their brain? They are your only hope of keeping the toddler quietly occupied so you can lazily sit on the couch and use the minimal amount of energy possible. Just don't forget to laugh or comment once in awhile so they think you're engaged with them. Otherwise they'll be onto you; gotta keep them off the trail!
Step 4B: Get Out and Move Like the Wind
If you need to stay active, you had better get to a park or playground and move your ass like you're being chased by mother fucking velociraptors. Play a game in your head: pretend you're in the bus from "Speed." If you don't stop moving, you will explode. And you don't want to explode; you want to survive to have sex with Sandra Bullock.
Step 5: Do Not Look at a Clock
Under no circumstances should you ever look at a clock. Time will never pass more slowly in your whole entire life. Looking at the clock will only a) make it pass more slowly, and b) torment you and send you further down the spiral knowing how much longer you have to go. Obviously you have to know when it's lunchtime, so set an alarm on your phone. Do not look at a clock. Stay strong!
Step 6: Cry Again
At some point, the caffeine is going to start to wear off and you will know you have two choices: a) continue caffeinating all day knowing it will probably foil your attempts to finally sleep at naptime/night or b) stop caffeinating and try to tough it out, knowing you might not make it and will be absolutely miserable. No matter what you choose, you know it's a lose/lose situation. All you can do is cry on the inside.
Step 7: Remember Your Love
You're so tired you can barely function and can't even think straight. Toddlers can be obnoxious even when you are well rested and in good spirits. Under these circumstances, it's inevitable that at some point you're going to want to rip their head from their spine. Stay calm, breathe, and remember that each and every day with your toddler is precious. They grow up so fast and every day is an opportunity to enjoy unique experiences (even if they do the same crap again and again). And most importantly, you love the little tyke. That love is really what's going to get you through the day and put up with whatever annoyances or problems occur. When you operate out of place of pure love, you can't go wrong. So feel the love and good luck!
Unfortunately, for parents and babysitters, there come times when you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation and find yourself alone and solely responsible for a toddler. That toddler is going to wake up way too early and there's nothing you can do about it. You have no choice but to stay awake and there will be no respite until naptime. Only then can you find a brief and glorious reprieve from your woes. In order to help us all, I've decided to write a survival guide based on my own experience. There are seven steps because, ya know, it's the strongest magical number. If it worked for Voldycakes...
Step 1: Cry
If you're a parent, wake up a few minutes before your toddler and cry. If you're a babysitter, cry on the drive over. You're so tired you don't just want to cry, you NEED to cry. And you can't do it front of the toddler, so do it before toddler madness begins. Cry hard. It's okay. Listen to Elsa and let it go!
Step 2: Caffeinate
You have no hope of survival without your good and dear friend, caffeine. Even if it's against your diet or moral code, cheat today. If you do not, you will lose your damn mind. Or you might fall asleep, and if you fall asleep during toddler madness, you will probably awake to find the walls covered in permanent marker, a poop explosion all over your nicest stuff, your phone unbelievably unlocked by the toddler with an "I mith you" text somehow sent to your ex, etc... The possibilities are nearly endless, but all disastrous. You must stay awake!
Step 3: Know What Kind of Tired Person You Are
There are two kinds of tired people: those that need to be as lazy as possible and those that need to be as active as possible in order to make it through the day. It's absolutely crucial you know which you are if you are to make it to naptime. If you are the lazy type, see Step 4A. If you are the active type, see step 4B.
Step 4A: Enlist the Help of Friends
No, I'm not talking about real live people. You are alone. But you do have Netflix, blu-rays, Hulu, cable tv, etc. Who cares if it rots their brain? They are your only hope of keeping the toddler quietly occupied so you can lazily sit on the couch and use the minimal amount of energy possible. Just don't forget to laugh or comment once in awhile so they think you're engaged with them. Otherwise they'll be onto you; gotta keep them off the trail!
Step 4B: Get Out and Move Like the Wind
If you need to stay active, you had better get to a park or playground and move your ass like you're being chased by mother fucking velociraptors. Play a game in your head: pretend you're in the bus from "Speed." If you don't stop moving, you will explode. And you don't want to explode; you want to survive to have sex with Sandra Bullock.
Step 5: Do Not Look at a Clock
Under no circumstances should you ever look at a clock. Time will never pass more slowly in your whole entire life. Looking at the clock will only a) make it pass more slowly, and b) torment you and send you further down the spiral knowing how much longer you have to go. Obviously you have to know when it's lunchtime, so set an alarm on your phone. Do not look at a clock. Stay strong!
Step 6: Cry Again
At some point, the caffeine is going to start to wear off and you will know you have two choices: a) continue caffeinating all day knowing it will probably foil your attempts to finally sleep at naptime/night or b) stop caffeinating and try to tough it out, knowing you might not make it and will be absolutely miserable. No matter what you choose, you know it's a lose/lose situation. All you can do is cry on the inside.
Step 7: Remember Your Love
You're so tired you can barely function and can't even think straight. Toddlers can be obnoxious even when you are well rested and in good spirits. Under these circumstances, it's inevitable that at some point you're going to want to rip their head from their spine. Stay calm, breathe, and remember that each and every day with your toddler is precious. They grow up so fast and every day is an opportunity to enjoy unique experiences (even if they do the same crap again and again). And most importantly, you love the little tyke. That love is really what's going to get you through the day and put up with whatever annoyances or problems occur. When you operate out of place of pure love, you can't go wrong. So feel the love and good luck!
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