As adults in modern society, we are all familiar with sleep deprivation. It's pretty much a normal part of our lives whether it's rare, occasional, or constant. We've all learned to deal with it and function as best we can under moderate sleep deprivation. But then there are those rare cases of extreme sleep deprivation: the kind that only comes under the deadly combo of severe life/work exhaustion and accumulated days/weeks of sleep deprivation. You know it's extreme when all you can think of is how badly you want to sleep, feel like crying all day, and can barely function as a human being including basic needs such as eating. When you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, there is no cure or aid but sleep.
Unfortunately, for parents and babysitters, there come times when you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation and find yourself alone and solely responsible for a toddler. That toddler is going to wake up way too early and there's nothing you can do about it. You have no choice but to stay awake and there will be no respite until naptime. Only then can you find a brief and glorious reprieve from your woes. In order to help us all, I've decided to write a survival guide based on my own experience. There are seven steps because, ya know, it's the strongest magical number. If it worked for Voldycakes...
Step 1: Cry
If you're a parent, wake up a few minutes before your toddler and cry. If you're a babysitter, cry on the drive over. You're so tired you don't just want to cry, you NEED to cry. And you can't do it front of the toddler, so do it before toddler madness begins. Cry hard. It's okay. Listen to Elsa and let it go!
Step 2: Caffeinate
You have no hope of survival without your good and dear friend, caffeine. Even if it's against your diet or moral code, cheat today. If you do not, you will lose your damn mind. Or you might fall asleep, and if you fall asleep during toddler madness, you will probably awake to find the walls covered in permanent marker, a poop explosion all over your nicest stuff, your phone unbelievably unlocked by the toddler with an "I mith you" text somehow sent to your ex, etc... The possibilities are nearly endless, but all disastrous. You must stay awake!
Step 3: Know What Kind of Tired Person You Are
There are two kinds of tired people: those that need to be as lazy as possible and those that need to be as active as possible in order to make it through the day. It's absolutely crucial you know which you are if you are to make it to naptime. If you are the lazy type, see Step 4A. If you are the active type, see step 4B.
Step 4A: Enlist the Help of Friends
No, I'm not talking about real live people. You are alone. But you do have Netflix, blu-rays, Hulu, cable tv, etc. Who cares if it rots their brain? They are your only hope of keeping the toddler quietly occupied so you can lazily sit on the couch and use the minimal amount of energy possible. Just don't forget to laugh or comment once in awhile so they think you're engaged with them. Otherwise they'll be onto you; gotta keep them off the trail!
Step 4B: Get Out and Move Like the Wind
If you need to stay active, you had better get to a park or playground and move your ass like you're being chased by mother fucking velociraptors. Play a game in your head: pretend you're in the bus from "Speed." If you don't stop moving, you will explode. And you don't want to explode; you want to survive to have sex with Sandra Bullock.
Step 5: Do Not Look at a Clock
Under no circumstances should you ever look at a clock. Time will never pass more slowly in your whole entire life. Looking at the clock will only a) make it pass more slowly, and b) torment you and send you further down the spiral knowing how much longer you have to go. Obviously you have to know when it's lunchtime, so set an alarm on your phone. Do not look at a clock. Stay strong!
Step 6: Cry Again
At some point, the caffeine is going to start to wear off and you will know you have two choices: a) continue caffeinating all day knowing it will probably foil your attempts to finally sleep at naptime/night or b) stop caffeinating and try to tough it out, knowing you might not make it and will be absolutely miserable. No matter what you choose, you know it's a lose/lose situation. All you can do is cry on the inside.
Step 7: Remember Your Love
You're so tired you can barely function and can't even think straight. Toddlers can be obnoxious even when you are well rested and in good spirits. Under these circumstances, it's inevitable that at some point you're going to want to rip their head from their spine. Stay calm, breathe, and remember that each and every day with your toddler is precious. They grow up so fast and every day is an opportunity to enjoy unique experiences (even if they do the same crap again and again). And most importantly, you love the little tyke. That love is really what's going to get you through the day and put up with whatever annoyances or problems occur. When you operate out of place of pure love, you can't go wrong. So feel the love and good luck!
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