An Open Letter To The Jerks That Scammed My Grandpa

Dear Anonymous Jerk(s) who scammed my grandpa out of $1300,

First of all: fuck you. My grandfather is an incredibly kind, loving, generous man who never hesitates to help a loved one in need, and you preyed upon that to scam hard-earned money out of his considerably limited income. He didn't think twice or even blink after your phone call falsely claiming that one of his grandkids was locked up in prison and needed money. He immediately wired it to you because he's a great damn Papa.

You took advantage of what makes him wonderful to steal from him for your own selfish, slimy, despicable, shameful, greedy profit. Now, to be fair, his astounding gullibility does make him partially culpable, but that does not make you any less a villain. In fact, that only makes you even more vile for exploiting such naive innocence. So, again: fuck you.

My initial reaction was a desire to Liam Neeson the shit out of you, combining my amateur sleuthing and forensic skills—gained from watching every episode of Sherlock, Elementary, and CSI (original only, of course), as well as reading every Sherlock Holmes book—with my second-degree black belt ninja skills to find you, beat you to a bloody pulp, and take back my grandpa's money right out of your stupid jerkface hands! Pay no attention to the fact that I haven't really practiced martial arts in a decade, or that all those shows and books are full of pulpy placations that make for great entertainment but aren't really educational or accurate. I totally would have found-and-pound you.

However, that was just my immediate emotional reaction. With just a tiny bit more thought and reflection, I've realized I don't need to fight you, seek revenge or even justice. You're already harming yourself quite enough. You profit by taking advantage of others, cheating people out of their own wealth. Wealth that they need. You gain only by harming others. Ironically, you're actually harming yourself more than your victims.

You clearly are not happy and can not be happy living such a life. I'm sure at times you think you are happy, but you are not. It is not possible to be happy when your livelihood or source of shits-and-giggles comes from harming others. Such actions are a distraction, a cover-up from the fact that deep down you are not happy and loathe yourself more than anyone or anything in the entire universe. If you loved yourself and had love for others, you would be making efforts to help and care for others instead. Since you are not, all you have done is outed yourself as a lonely miserable person. When you live a life of hate, apathy, or selfishness, no one will ever love you and you will never love yourself.

So, although I'm still furious and wish you a boisterous "fuck you" with a "P.S. Go fuck yourself," really I just pity and feel sad for you. Your life is currently a rather glum tale, and it doesn't have to be. If you lived life more like my grandpa, being kind, generous, and loving, you would know a life of love and happiness. For your sake, and for the sake of my grandpa's bank account, I hope you figure that out.

Love,

Kevin Long
Grandson Of The Awesome Grandpa You Scammed