The Rules Of Costco

Fixed it for ya.

Costco is a wonderful place of sweet wholesale pricing. It's also a god damn nightmarish shithole full of assholes. So many idiots and jerks being idiots and jerks, fucking shit up for everyone. It's enough to drive anyone insane and, quite frankly, it's a miracle there aren't riots every single day. If it wasn't for all the asshats, Costco would be a utopia. Well, it actually could be if Costco would just implement some rules and enforce them with a strict three strikes policy. 

As everyone shops, guards would watch every inch of the store via cameras and lunge into action to immediately cite any violators. Their membership card would be scanned and one strike logged against them. They'd be kicked out for the day but allowed to return after that. However, three strikes and you lose your membership for life. Hell, they'd probably barely even have to raise prices by a penny to pay for the enforcement staff and program. It would work like a charm, I'm telling ya!

Rule #1: No Stopping In Main Aisles

Cause there's just nowhere else you could possibly stop that cart.

Nothing brings the flow of cart traffic to a halt like some god damn idiot suddenly stopping in the main aisle to try a free sample or peruse the end-of-aisle items. Look, of course people deserve the freedom to get fatter on sugar-filled free samples or shop items that are inconveniently located on the edge of the main aisle, but that doesn't mean they need stop or leave their cart there. 

For fuck's sake, the store isn't supposed to be an obstacle course. It's the equivalent of stopping in the middle lane of the freeway for a blowout when you absolutely can and should pull over to the shoulder or exit the freeway. Move your cart to just inside the closest side aisle. Then the main aisles are free for their one and only purpose: letting people freely make their way through the damn store.

Rule #2: Never Build A Dam

Look at how much open space there is for parking!

Clearly, we all need to bring our cart to a halt sometimes in order to grab or browse items. Since we've established this can't happen in the main aisles, that means we must do it in the side aisles. So please, have at it. But if you leave your cart in a position that prevents anyone else from moving through the aisle, regardless of whether you're the lone perpetrator or just a coconspirator, you've just built a cart dam. Damn you all to hell, you bastard bitch beavers! It is your responsibility to leave your cart in a position that leaves room for at least a single cart to pass through. I don't care if that means leaving your cart a few feet farther than you'd like. Tough cookies. Don't be a selfish lazy prick.

Rule #3: Strict 10 Items Or Less Checkout

Ah yes, the unavoidable shit-show that is Costco checkout.

Not all of us Costgoers are suburban housewives stocking up on months worth of every single grocery and toiletry item our house of 20 crazy-ass kids needs. Some of us just need a few key items and it's ridiculous that there isn't even one line just for us few item folks. We're doing Costco a favor by not buying so much as that means they're getting a pretty good deal on our membership fee. So reward us by not making us get in line behind six full-carters who take forever to check out. Cell service sucks in your store, so I can't just read my Twitter feed or browse TeeFury while I'm bored.

Rule #4: Strict Old People Hours

You can just see the determination in her face to block everyone.

Okay, look, respect our elders, I love my grandparents and all that jazz...but old people are slow and incompetent. They're terrible on the road but even worse at Costco. Nothing makes the store more miserable than the elderly crawling along at .0000000001 MPH and stopping every two feet in delirious confusion. And since old people love getting up way earlier than everyone else in their right mind, have a few hours early in the day set aside only for old people, and these will be the only hours they're allowed to go. They'll be happy they can shop ungodly early and not have brash youngins whizzing by them, and the rest of us will be absolutely ecstatic they're not in our way. Everybody wins!

Rule #5: Kids Must Be In Cart At All Times

Fuck you. You're not that cute.

Costco is not a playground. It is a place for serious business. When it's playtime, I'll cheerfully run amok and play with your offspring cause I'm pretty a fucking awesome babysitter, but Costco is not that time nor place. Keep your little agents of chaos confined within the cart. If they escape, anyone is allowed to run them over with no social consequences or legal repercussions.