Whisky Wisdom Wednesday

Last week, I was rather fortunate to experience a bloody brilliant two-day Scotch tour of Speyside in Scotland as the bachelor party for a dear friend (thanks Fawaz!). Our Scotch expert and official "Keeper of the Quaich" guide, Ronnie, was a delightful expat Israeli turned kilt-wearing Scotsman who educated us and destroyed our livers with 32 different whiskies in just two days. 

Before this trip, though still a noob with many distilleries left to cross off my whisky bucket list, I already knew a decent amount about whisky, having devoured The Ultimate Book of Whiskey over the winter holiday after being gifted it for Christmas (thanks AGP!). But, I was by no means an expert. After two days with Ronnie cramming as much information about the history, science, and art of whisky into our brains as possible, I'm still not an expert, but I know enough now to act snobbish!

I learned many new things and was reminded of things I had previously learned but forgotten. I've compiled the most memorable nuggets of knowledge and wisdom to share. Most of the science has already gone in one ear and out the other, so this is mostly the practical stuff—that's good to know for buying and consuming—and interesting anecdotes/factoids that have stuck with me:

Distillin' like a villain!

• Distilling is science. Blending is art.
  
  
• There is no best brand, style or age. Everyone has different palates and preferences. You might like light and smooth whiskies or smokey and peaty whiskies. You might like single malts or blends. You might like younger or older whiskies. It doesn't matter; if it tastes good to you, it's good whisky. Don't let anyone ever tell you what you like isn't good.
  
  

  

  They're keepin' it old school up in Speyside.

• America and Ireland use the spelling "whiskey" with plural "whiskeys." Scotland, Canada, Japan and pretty much the rest of the world use "whisky" with plural "whiskies." (Since I was on a Scotch whisky tour, I'm going with the Scottish spelling for this post.)
  
  
• It can only be labeled "Scotch Whisky" if it's distilled and bottled in Scotland and follows a set of regulations, most notably being aged in oak barrels for at least three years and no added substances (other than caramel coloring).
  
  
  

• The proper way to nose the whisky is to smell through your nose with your mouth open.
  
  
• The proper glass for tasting, nosing, and just plain appreciating good whisky—endorsed by the Scotch Whisky Association and seen above—is a Glencairn glass. But, if you must have your whisky soiled with ice cubes, a tumbler is okay. You're depriving yourself of getting the most out of it, however. (Told you I get to be a snob now!)
  
  
  

• Unless it's labeled as Cask Strength, all whisky has been "cut," aka watered down, to lower the alcohol level, usually from 60(ish)% to 40(ish)%. So, when drinking cask strength, don't forget it has much higher alcohol content than usual!
  
  
• Single Malt doesn't mean it comes from a single cask. Multiple casks are used to achieve the desired taste and consistency. It just means it's malt whisky from only one distillery. Whiskies that do come from one cask are labeled Single Cask.
  
  
• Blended Whisky means it's a blend of malt and other grains. Blended Malt means it's a blend of only malts and is far less common.
  
  
• Age statements indicate the age of the youngest whisky in the blend. There are most certainly older whiskies in the mix.
  
  

  

  Somewhere in here the Ark of the Whiskyent is hidden...

• Historically, a dram was a small teaspoon. So, when you ask a bartender for a dram of whisky, you're not actually asking for a dram. You'd be right sodded off if that's all they gave you!
  
  
• After it's been distilled but before it's aged, it's completely colorless and tastes pretty similar to vodka. It's not whisky yet, because it can't even be called that until it's aged in barrels for at least three years. It's called New Make Spirit. It gains its color and flavor from the wood of the barrels, and that is what makes whisky, whisky.
  
  

  

  Whisky goggles.

• Color doesn't matter. It only indicates what kind of barrels were used to age it and how long it has aged. It indicates character, not quality. In general, if it's lighter in color, it was aged in American white oak. If it's darker in color, it was aged in European oak.
  
  
• Aging in American oak ex-bourbon barrels is the most popular choice because, by US law, bourbon barrels can only be used once, so distilleries can acquire that sweet American white oak for much, much cheaper than European Oak. Recently, aging in a variety of ex-alcohol barrels to get unique flavors has become more and more popular as distilleries strive to brand and distinguish themselves from the competition.
  
  
• Age statements, even for single malts, are slowly going out of favor in Scotland and Europe as the color ranking system takes over (like Johnnie Walker's Red, Black, Gold, Green, and Blue), thanks to a shortage of older whiskies in a world where whisky is increasingly in demand. Apparently, only us Americans are still obsessed with age statements.
  
  

  

  Fermenting that sweet mash.

• Any distillery making claims about how their exclusive water supply gives it its distinctive flavor is blowing smoke up your ass. No delicate flavor profiles of its water source make it through the distilling process. It's all marketing bullcrap.
  
  
• Coopers, the makers and fixers of barrels, have to apprentice for four years and are paid per barrel. If you ever have the chance to see them at work, do so. It's fascinating; they are highly skilled and amazingly fast.
  
  

  

  The cooper on the far left is the fastest at the cooperage because he doesn't talk to anyone while on shift. Ever.

When Publishing Rights Go Wrong

I'm tearing my hair out after wasting about three hours trying to find a way to get the original UK editions of Harry Potter for my Kindle. Despite the fact that J.K. Rowling owns the digital rights to her work, she and her company decided to respect the territorial rights of the print publishers. So, U.S. customers can only buy the U.S. version of the text as published in print by Scholastic.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, Scholastic altered J.K. Rowling's text to Americanize some of the British slang, terminology, and spellings. For example, "jumper" becomes "sweater" and "pitch" becomes "field." It's not major or drastic, and it's not like there are changes on every page, but they did it enough that I (and other purists) feel it negatively impacts the reading experience. It may be subtle, but it feels decidedly less British. 

It might seem silly to others, but just being aware of the differences means I can be taken out of the moment when encountering them. There's an experience of cognitive dissonance when British characters or the British narrator are using American slang and you know they shouldn't be. It takes away from the charm of British culture, and I want to experience that culture because experiencing other cultures is an important part of what makes storytelling—and reading in particular—great.

Plus, it feels wrong to bastardize the author's voice, even if the author approved it. It's understandable to a degree, as Scholastic originally needed to market and sell to American children what was then a kid's book from an unknown author. Sure, it made sense to change "revising" to "studying" since most American kids didn't know what revising was back then. It was the early stages of the internet; googling wasn't even a thing. Localizing the language made sense then, but times have changed. 

It's now second nature to google anything you don't know, so there's really no need to localize the slang when it's so easy to look up. Heck, kids might have to google other non-localized words anyway. And heck, there's all sorts of British media kids can consume on Netflix that don't have special Americanized dialogue versions. Not to mention that exposing kids (and adults) to other cultures is a good thing and thinking they're not capable of that is incredibly condescending.

So while I respect J.K. Rowling's decision to honor the print publisher's territory, and I respect that publishers made choices to localize the text that made sense at the time, times have changed and it doesn't make any sense not to allow readers the choice of which version they want to read. If the print publishers are getting a cut of the profit, fine, then give the cut to the publisher of the territory the purchaser is from regardless of which version they choose. Problem solved. Considering I was freely allowed to buy the UK print versions online or overseas and import them back to the U.S., it's absolutely absurd I can't purchase the UK versions digitally too.

This may very well seem ridiculous to others to be upset or stressed about. Fair enough. At the end of the day, the story is still the same and it's still awesome, wildly engrossing, and emotionally impactful. Hell, my first reads of five of the books were the American versions, and that didn't stop me from getting lost in them. However, I've grown accustomed to the UK versions now, and my crazy brain will know the difference if I ever read the American versions again, and it will momentarily disengage to grumpily groan over the language because I know no British kid would ever be caught dead saying soccer instead of football and I just can't take it! So why do that to me, J.K. Rowling, Pottermore, and Scholastic? Just let me have the version I want.     

Life Is A Waterfall

Upon one of my epic all-day hikes of Mount Wilson, I found myself staring at Sturtevant Falls and really taking it in for once. I'd seen it many times; it's the first resting point along my 14-mile journey. I'd appreciated it before, but usually only momentarily before getting lost in thought again. I'd never truly appreciated it until that day when I really looked at it with relaxed but dedicated focus. 

I discovered there were only two ways to appreciate its beauty: as a whole or zero in on one singular part. With billions of water molecules, millions of droplets, and thousands of streams all rushing by at breakneck speed, there were just too many elements to be able to appreciate more than one at a time. It was easy to enjoy them all in concert together, taking in the big picture of the whole greater than the sum of its parts. But to enjoy the parts, I had to focus on only one, not only because my monkey brain can only focus on one thing at a time, but also because they moved quickly and were soon gone forever. 

Both the whole and its parts offered great beauty to behold, and both were completely different, as was the beauty different parts offered. I softly took in the tall towering tale of the entire waterfall and felt like I was staring at a moving painting. I looked at individual cascades composed of countless ever-flowing and ever-changing droplets, fascinated by speed and infinity. I watched a bubble form at the bottom of the waterfall, slowly travel towards me and then down the creek to pass forever out of sight, laughing in joy at such a small story I'd never bothered to notice before. Each experience was utterly and delightfully unique.

As I pondered these observations about the waterfall, it suddenly occurred to me it is a perfect metaphor for life. Just as there were billions of water molecules and it was impossible to observe them all, there are billions of people on Earth and it's impossible to meet them all, to get to know them all, and see all their journeys. Although we meet a great host of people, connect and forge lots of various relationships, there will always be billions we never know. So many stories we'll never get to see and hear that all offer great depths of beauty. Like all the droplets, everyone and their stories are soon gone forever. Yet, in their place, new people with new stories arrive, often treading very similar paths like the streams of the waterfall. In addition to people, there is a seemingly endless amount of beauty in the world thanks to art and nature, and it's impossible to observe it all. 

The people, places, and things we do get to appreciate are forever rushing by, not only because they have a shelf-life, but also because they are always changing. Nothing and no one ever stays the same, just as the water molecules didn't ever stop and stay in place. Nature, life, people, and art are always on the move. Change is the only constant. A waterfall wouldn't be a waterfall if it wasn't in a constant state of flowing change. Knowing that every moment of beauty is unique because the next moment will be different is what makes things truly beautiful. 

Even pieces of art that objectively remain the same are always subjectively different, not only between different people, but between different versions of ourselves. As we grow and change, we experience familiar things differently. Not even art can resist the flow of the waterfall.

No matter how many individual parts we are able to observe and appreciate in our lifetime, the whole is always available for admiration. We can not know the amount of beauty there is in the world but can still be overwhelmed by it. We can not know every person but we can know humanity. We don't have to see everything to know that everything is worth seeing.

Not all big pictures are quite so big, either. There are countless smaller big pictures ripe for consideration. We don't need to analyze every player to enjoy the brilliance of a team. We can walk away from a beloved television series with a handful of big long-lasting emotional lessons after seeing hundreds of episodes, each with its own small soon-forgotten lessons. We can not know all there is to know about a person but can still see their soul clearly.

Forrest Gump was wrong. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's like a waterfall. It is a beautiful, chaotic, always flowing, and always changing waterfall. There is simply too much to be able to take it all in and acknowledge or appreciate every unique element. All we can do is be thankful for the parts we do get to see and know personally, and occasionally take a step back to enjoy the big picture.

7 Tips To Be A Kickass Hiker

The many hiking faces of Kevin. Deal with it.

Last time, I put on my grumpy old man hat for 5 Signs You're A Douchebag Hiker. Now, I put that aside and put on my friendly hiker hat to give you tips on how to be a kickass hiker. It's not as simple as not doing the douchebag things; that just makes you not a douchebag. To be kickass, you gotta up your hiking game to a whole new level.

This knowledge I've learned the honest hard way: making a lot of stupid mistakes and slowly improving. Once I was a dumb naive city slicker, but now I am a wise hardened bear-man! And heck, I'm still learning and getting better, for 'tis a never-ending quest.

Before I get to the tips, however, I need to introduce the overarching concept that will be referenced throughout. SCH: Shit Could Happen. It's pretty straightforward. You're in nature. Nature is unpredictable. Unforeseen shit could happen. You gotta be prepared for it. End of story. Okay, let's go!

1) Always Overpack

This dehydrated woman is violating way more than just Tip #1...

Always overpack food and especially water. It doesn't matter whether you're a newbie or experienced; always overpack. Always. If you're a newbie, you absolutely will underestimate not only how long hikes will take, but how much nutrition you need for all the calories you're burning and how much water you need to stay hydrated. Even if you're hiking to lose weight, you still need proper sustenance. And don't just load up on carbs because you need energy; your body needs protein and fat too.

Even if you're experienced, you might underestimate how long a new hike will take. And even if you're doing a familiar hike, SCH. Shit could happen. You might get injured or delayed. You might meet someone who didn't bring enough food or water and need to help them out. You might spontaneously decide to alter course or stay out longer. 

Point is, you never truly know how much food and water you will need because shit could happen. So always overpack and be ready for anything.

2) Get A Backpack With Water Reservoir 

I love my Camelback and it's all mine, so back off!

Stop carrying around bottles of water like a fool. Get yourself a proper hiking backpack that has at least a three-liter water reservoir with drinking hose. Doesn't have to be a Camelbak, but they are da bomb yo! Not only does it make your water super convenient and hands-free, it keeps it insulated so that it stays cooler in summer and doesn't freeze too much in winter. 

3) Wear Pants

What a gigolo, showing off a little bit of leg!

Unless you're doing a leisurely, flat, wide-pathed, super easy short hike in the peak of summer, ditch the shorts and get yourself a pair of hiking pants. There's a reason all the experienced hikers you'll ever see are wearing them, and it's simply SCH. You might have to wade through thick brush. There might be poisonous plants. There might be lots of bugs, insects, snakes, or other critters. You might slip or fall. Proper pants won't make you feel too warm, even in summer, and lots of them have zip-off bottoms/openings if you need some air. So protect yourself because there's no reason not to.

4) Wear Proper Hiking Shoes

Again, unless you're doing leisurely, flat, wide-pathed, super easy short hikes, ditch the tennis shoes, Converse, sandals or whatever other asinine footwear and get yourself a pair of hiking shoes. This isn't even SCH, this is SWH: shit WILL happen if you don't. You will slip and look like an idiot when doing any hike that requires ascending or descending elevation, not to mention any sort of climbing or jumping, no matter how tame. You need proper traction, so don't be a dumb naive city slicker. And while you're at it, get a thick pair of hiking socks. You'll thank me when it rains.

5) Always Have The Basics

You don't just need food and water. You need to keep a whole host of SCH material: first aid kit, paper towels, cleaning wipes or hand sanitizer, sunscreen and bug spray, map, compass, flashlight, utility knife, poncho, and personal/insurance IDs. SCH, man. Always be prepared and, aside from your IDs, don't rely on remembering to pack it all every time. Have permanent supplies in your backpack and leave them there. Hopefully, you won't have to use most of it, but you never know. 

6) Always Pack Thermals

Sorry I don't have any sexy pics of me modeling thermals, ladies.

Buy a pair of light or midweight thermal base layers: bottom, top, underwear, and gloves. They're not only the best insulation possible for your first or only layer, they're super light and breathable. Always wear the thermal underwear; both you and your significant other will thank me. Depending on the weather, you may or may not need the other layers but always, and I mean always, pack them. Even in summer. They compact well so they don't take up much space. 

Weather conditions can vary throughout the day, especially if there are drastic elevation changes. Trust me, you do not want to be dressed for the 60-70s and get sucker punched by the 30s at the top of the mountain. TRUST ME. 

While you should also always check the weather conditions beforehand, you should still be prepared for surprises. And even if it's going to be a nice warm day, what if you get stranded and stuck out there overnight? SCH. Be prepared. Pack those thermals. And if it's winter, pack two thermal tops AND a good coat. TRUST ME.

7) Respect Nature

Yeah, whatever. I'll go wherever I wan...aaaaaaaagggh. Heeeelp!

I don't mean the respect of not trashing or destroying it, I mean the respect of nature as a wild, unpredictable, and powerful force that can fuck your shit up at any time without warning. Take your time to gradually do more challenging or rugged hikes; don't go from one-hour park strolls to all-day high elevation hikes all of a sudden. 

You have to learn, explore, and work your way up. It takes more than just packing right. You have to learn how to actually hike safely, effectively, and efficiently. You have to learn the limits of your body and current fitness. You have to learn how nature really works, how it affects you, its dangers and how to deal with them. None of this will happen overnight and you can read all about it until your eyes glaze over, but only with actual personal experience will you truly learn and become adept.

Always remember and never forget: SCH. Shit. Could. Happen. So be careful, don't be dumb, and take your time becoming a kickass hiker. It's worth it; hiking nature is one of the most beautiful, serene, and meditative experiences you can have. Enjoy! 

(For the record, I totally pushed myself on this last one just to have seven tips, because seven is the strongest magical number. #7HorcruxClub)