Literal Leap of Faith

On Tuesday, I was about to go on my favorite hike: up Mt Wilson and back from Chantry Flat. But when I came to the road gate at the edge of civilization, I found it locked with a note that the area was closed due to a bear attack the day before. Well...damn, that was unheard of. I had no choice but to either go home or find a different hike. So I drove for another hour, sitting in rush hour traffic, and then winding the mountain roads up the Angeles Crest Highway to the top of Mt. Wilson. There, I was able to park at the Observatory and start from the top, instead going down the northern back side and then back up.

The north side of Mt. Wilson is seldom used, in stark contrast to the south side where tons of people every day hike from Chantry Flat. It's therefore pretty rugged at times, not to mention eerily narrow and steep at the top. In particular, there is one mile-long stretch at the bottom that is so rugged, overgrown, and terrorized by fallen trees, I lost count how many times I paused, unsure where the trail continued or if I was even still on the trail. I had to take walks and, sometimes, literal leaps of faith (those damn trees!).

Trees did make for a nice lunch spot, though.

I had no option but to repeatedly make a choice based off my best guess and leap into the unknown, with no way of knowing if I was going the right way or not until I was already further down the path. It was bonkers, but also a fun adventure. Don't worry, my hiking instincts are now well-honed and I never got lost. Somehow, I figured out the right path every time, and usually at first try. Even the times I didn't go the right way initially, I pretty quickly figured it out, backtracked, and then immediately knew which way was the right way.

While on this adventure, it occurred to me what a truthful metaphor for life this is. None of us really knows what we're doing, and we constantly have to take leaps of faith into the unknown, unsure if we're going in the right direction, unsure if we're heading towards our destination of happiness or taking a detour where we'll get lost. But we can't sit still and do nothing, even though sometimes we feel paralyzed by anxiety, fear, or confusion. We have to move forward. We have to make choices, even when we don't know what the right choice is and we desperately fear we might make the wrong one. We have to put one foot in front of the other anyway, and keep going.

Very helpful sign. Thanks.

It hit me rather hard. For the past year and a half, I have been metaphorically standing still in the forest, unable to make a choice and go forward. Last May, after years of misery and doubt, I reached my breaking point and finally plucked up the courage to quit my old career as an editor in the film and tv industry. It too was a leap of faith. I had no idea or even the faintest clue what I would do with my life. I just knew I had to make that leap into the unknown, and so I did. 

Then, I took a long hard look at myself and figured out what transferable skills I have, revamped the resume/LinkedIn, and began the job search, not really knowing what the heck I should do with my life now, but at least armed with knowledge of what I'm capable of and the value I can provide. However, over the last year and a half, aside from some occasional temp work here and there, I've remained unemployed. I look for jobs every weekday, send out custom-tailored resumes and cover letters, but I remained wracked by indecision. I've come to realize that, this whole time, I've been paralyzed by fear and anxiety. 

Uh...how do I get through THAT?

I spent a decade pursuing a career that made me miserable. "What if the next job makes me miserable all over again? I can't choose wrong and waste any more time, because I'm well into my thirties and single amongst happily married friends and some are starting families, so oh god I have to find a good new career so I have something to cling to or I'll just be a miserable, lonely loser!" That's just a small sample of the rampaging, irrational, and ridiculous thoughts and emotions clouding my heart and mind, rooting me to the ground in fear.

But the leap of faith hike reminds me: I can't just stay put. I have to put one foot in front of the other. Even if it's not the right path and turns out to be a detour, I can just change course and take another path. Eventually, I'll find the right path, but I have to start somewhere. I have to make a choice without knowing if it's the right one or not. I've taken the literal leap of faith. Now I need to take the metaphorical leap of faith.