3 Terrible Implications Of The Santa Clause Universe

The Santa Clause and The Santa Clause 2 are both mainstays in my Christmas movie rotation. They're cheesy as all heck, but I love 'em. The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, however, much like the Star Wars prequels, Indy 4, Die Hard 5, Spiderman 3, Superman 3 and 4, Blues Brothers 2000, Exorcist II, and The Matrix sequels, is an abomination and does not exist as far as I'm concerned.

But hey, two out of three ain't bad at all; even Messi and LeBron don't score 66% of the shots they take! Despite their cheery mirth and glowy warmth, the universe that's set up in The Santa Clause movies (you know, just the TWO of them) has some dark and terrible implications:

1) The Elves Are Slave Labor That Never Get A Day Off

When Scott Calvin comes to the North Poll for the first time, having been freshly donned the new Santa Claus, the elves are ALREADY hard at work on next year's toys...on Christmas...right as children are barely waking up and getting THIS year's toys. The elves apparently never stop working. Ever.

To really drive the point home, the head elf, Bernard, acts really put-out by Scott's questions, even though they're all perfectly valid and understandable considering he's just been appointed the new magical Santa for life after accidentally causing the death of the old one. Bernard—though hella charming because he's played by the super awesome and underrated David Krumholtz—is curt, full of eyes rolls, and super impatient because there's tons of work to do and Scott is slowing him down and he clearly fears that things might spiral out of control on day one if he can't get back to work cracking the candy-bead whip. Can't this new Santa jerk just get it through his thick skull already? The elves are under so much pressure that even their leader feels like he doesn't have time to meet and greet the new boss.

Scott is obligated to be Santa, does not at all have a choice, and will not get paid. If Santa, the big boss man, the head honcho, the taco supreme, is bound by a contract he was never allowed to read first and is not being compensated, then there's no doubt the elves are bound by an even worse contract. They are clearly slaves. 

2) Parents Ignore Free Presents They Didn't Buy Their Kids

The films establish that kids are in touch with and still believe in magic, which is why they believe Santa is real, but adults have lost that belief in magic and therefore don't believe in Santa. But, Santa does exist in this world, for realsie reals, and every kid in the world either gets presents or coal directly from him, made by the elves, with no involvement of their parents. This means that every parent in the world doesn't believe Santa is real, yet turns a blind eye to the free presents that show up for their kids on Christmas morning. 

No parents are ever shown having a confused conversation with each other over where that damn kayak came from. This means they're all willfully ignoring the creepy appearance of stuff they didn't buy into their locked home by an unknown party, or in subconscious denial. Either way, it's a pretty serious and messed up psychological issue affecting every single parent in the entire world.

3) Santa Magically Knows All Your Secrets

No letters need to be written to Santa to get what you want in this universe. He already knows what you want, thanks to magic. Not only that, he also knows if you've been, on the whole, naughty or nice this year. While that's typical for the Santa Claus myth, these films take the "he knows when you are sleeping" trope to the creepiest extreme.

See, he doesn't just know if you've been good or bad, he knows exactly what sins or good deeds you've committed. Each and every one. He knows your name and where you live without ever having to ask. And most blood-curdling of all, he knows not just what Christmas presents you want, but all your deepest, darkest, innermost desires. That's precisely how he seduces his future Mrs. Claus; he knows exactly what to say and do to please her, and boy does he play every card he can.

Forget big brother government because in this universe, Santa is the privacy-invading creepster supreme. He alone holds the power to expose every person in the world. He can blackmail anyone at anytime. He can manipulate anyone he wishes, bend them to his will and make them dance like a string puppet because he knows all the right buttons to push.

And it's not like he's a magically benevolent being who would never even think of wielding power selfishly. Santa was once a regular person complete with psychological issues, relationships, and personal grudges. If you ever upset him, he can destroy your life without breaking a sweat. No man should ever have such power...