It's absolutely no secret that "Love Actually" is not only my favorite holiday movie, but one of my favorite movies of all time. I watch it every single year, often twice, especially since last year I discovered it's the only movie I own with a German dub. But, as we all know by now, my love for something does not mean it won't drive me crazy over dumb trivial things:
1) "Love actually is all around." Okay, I'll ignore the all lower-case as a stylistic choice, but where are the commas??? Aren't The Brits are supposed to care about grammar? I think you mean, "Love, actually, is all around." And the film should be titled "Love, Actually." Aaaaaaagh.
2) Maybe you're alone again because you're a moody hipster with a stupid typewriter who doesn't make copies instead of just getting a laptop like a normal person and constantly backing up like any decent author.
3) Mark isn't holding his head due to the emotional agony that his best friend's wife just found out he's in love with her, he's holding his head because he's walked outside in the thick of London winter in only a shirt and flimsy sweater and his brain is literally freezing to death. Layers, Andrew Lincoln, LAYERS!!!
4) Originally, Rowan Atkinson was supposed to be an angel who disappears at the end of the film after helping out Hans Gruber and Future Jojen Who Is Still Referred To As Love Actually Kid And Holy Crap Still Looks Like A Kid. I'm convinced Mia is his polar opposite: a hell demon trying to earn her horns. It's the only explanation for how she can be so utterly, unequivocally, unbelievably evil!
5) President Poophead and Mia deserve each other. I can't believe the movie didn't have them get together. It's so obvious. He should have had a torrid affair and left his wife after falling in love with her, only to lose her when she earns her horns and returns to the depths of Hell. Justice served!
6) James Bond, yes! Harry Potter, YES! David Beckham, HELL YES! Wait...what about Lord of the Rings? HOW could you forget LOTR??? I don't know if I still have a man-crush on you, Hugh Grant...oh, who am I kidding? Of course, I do!
7) Jimminy Cricket, look at those scrawny little chicken legs. Your arms are bigger. Don't skip leg day, Karl!
8) Professor Snape's greatest sin isn't cheating on Professor Trelawney, it's letting her do all the gift shopping for their family while he puts in zero effort or care. What a deadbeat dad.
9) If the fan base I saw at the 2011 Rose Bowl is a fair representation of the Wisconsin college student population, there aren't this many attractive girls ever gathered together in a single bar, much less the entire state. This is probably the most unrealistic thing in the whole movie.
P.S. Remember how we kicked your ass, Wisconsin? Rah rah TCU!
10) You can't learn a language or an instrument in two weeks! Especially not enough to be conversational or perform in a concert. If it was, every jackass high school boy would have been the douche with a guitar trying to impress girls, as well as the douche attempting to seduce the pants off the hot foreign exchange students by speaking their native tongue.
11) Why is Jamie's brother at the family Christmas? If you shag your brother's girlfriend, it should be standard policy that you don't get invited! Jamie doesn't need the lure of love as motivation to piss off from his crummy family.
12) I can't decide what I like more: the bodyguard's surprisingly amazing voice or the kids dancing to an undanceable Christmas carol. I just can't decide and it's driving me mad because I'm American and someone has to be declared the winner.
13) This kid has ruined all future Christmas pageants because I will forever be extremely disappointed that there isn't a kid made up as Spiderman for no good reason.
14) He barely put his wife in the grave five weeks ago and he's already crushing on someone new. I don't think the Dementors have to do much to make Brits feel as if all has gone cold. They clearly already are ice queens.
15) Is that a Pixar lamp? Oh...no...oh my god...the insanely archaic G4 iMac is "the new iMac" in this movie. That's how old it is. I cannot unsee it and I can't pay attention to anything else in this epilogue.
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