Sigh...why, Hollywood? Why do you insist on making more Jurassic Park movies? Wait, that's a stupid question. Money, of course. Nevermind. Let's start over. Sigh...why, my good and dear friends, are you excited and supportive of yet another Jurassic Park movie? It's completely and utterly pointless.
Don't get me wrong; "Jurassic Park" is a great film, and it's out of love and respect for it that I piss all over sequels. The first film is a great work of science fiction that at its core is thoughtful social commentary. The moral of the film is that mankind can be hella arrogant and screw around with shit we shouldn't be screwing around with (especially for silly reasons), and the consequences can be fatal. Drop the mic, Spielberg. End of story. Wham bam, thank you, ma'am. There was nothing left to be said.
I'm not opposed to sequels in general. Sign me right the fuck up for a lifetime of Fast & Furious sequels. But vapid sequels to smart films that actually had something to say is an egregious offense. Unless you have something new to say with the sequel, just stop. The original Planet of the Apes films are a good example of sequels done right. They are obviously cash grab attempts, but each film is different and actually has something new to add to the conversation and provoke more thought (even if they do get a bit silly). Boom, great marriage of business and art.
I can understand one sequel to JP showing that mankind just doesn't learn sometimes and repeats mistakes. I get it; you get a pass for that. You do not, however, get a pass for the mind-boggling stupidity of a T-Rex running around San Diego. Seriously, WTF? But back to topic: the third film has no valid reason for existing. It's just an excuse to watch dinosaurs do dinosaur shit. You don't need the JP label for that; just make a mindless dinosaur action/chase movie and market it as such. Luring audiences in with the mark of a thoughtful film, but giving them shlock is some bullshit.
And the sad thing is, we have collectively proved that we are stupid and will pay for such crap. So Hollywood will keep on making them, and keep on pissing on the good names of great films. So I'm pleading with you all, don't give in. We all vote with our wallets. If we stop paying for this crap, they'll stop making it. Hollywood only makes so many movies; when enough of us support trashy sequels, it means less good options for us all.
I highly doubt "Jurassic World" has anything new to contribute. Hell, it looks like it's pretty much the same damn movie as the original, just with cosmetic repackaging. A bunch of innocent people are lured to the island, dangerous dinosaurs get loose thanks to mankind's idiocy, chaos ensues and shit pretty much gets fucked right up. If the moral premise is the same as the first, we've already seen that and there is no reason for this film to exist. Also, Chris Pratt looks like an amalgamation of Grant and Muldoon. I'm not the only one who thought that, right? Jesus, they couldn't even think of original characters! Everything looks like recycled material from the original. I'm all for getting Chris Pratt as many roles as possible, but put him in good films for fuck's sake. He deserves it!
At the end of the day, everyone has the right to watch what they want and like what they like. If you're excited about it, power to you. But please, just ask yourself, are you genuinely excited about it, or is your nostalgia being taken advantage of? Are you so preoccupied with whether or not you can see more Jurassic Park that you aren't stopping to think if you should?
If I'm wrong and "Jurassic World" does turn out to be a thoughtful science fiction film, I will gladly eat my humble pie (pumpkin, apple, or pecan please!). I'll totally get down on some valid and deserving JP. I just don't think that's what this is going to be. If I'm right, then "Jurassic World" should get eaten by a T-Rex while taking a shit.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
We Know It's Not That Cold; Shut Up
It's that time of year again: leaves changing color and then falling, costumes and trick or treating, turkey and pumpkin pie, beautiful white powder delicately decorating the land, spiced lattes, Uggs on seemingly every female pair of feet...it's fall and soon to be winter! Well, in some parts of the country at least. Some places have real fall and winter, and other places (*cough* Southern California) just don't. In other places, the temperature drops 10°, the trees kinda sorta die, the grass defiantly gives winter the middle finger and keeps on living, but everyone acts like winter has finally come to Westeros, complete with White Walkers fucking shit up.
That means it's the time of year for the clearly superior race of humans that live in real cold climates to mock and be hostile towards the clearly inferior race of wimpy humans that don't know what real cold is. Now, there are those that think 60° is legitimately freezing and fear they will actually turn into a popsicle (usually wearing Uggs). Those people really are stupid and should probably be mocked (especially if they're wearing Uggs). And I understand the eye rolling at people who complain about how cold it is when it's so nice they could be playing beach volleyball while you are snowed in or dodging icicles of death. I get it; as an Angelino, I have to seriously restrain myself from yelling "you don't even know what real traffic is" whenever Texans complain about traffic on Facebook. But I try to restrain myself (key word is "try") because I don't want to be that asshole. It's rude an obnoxious. So resist going all Bane with your "you merely adopted the cold, I was born into it, molded by it, blah blah blah" nonsense in that annoying high-pitched voice that was an unbelievably idiotic "character choice."
Regardless, this isn't really what I'm talking about. This is more about being dicks when people are excited about what passes as our pathetic excuses for fall and winter. Look, we're not stupid; we know it's not that cold. Most of us have lived in or visited a truly cold place before. We know we don't have real seasons. We know that you have to deal with real cold and crazy road conditions. We know that you have it worse than us. We know, we know, WE KNOW! So what's up with us? We just want to be a part of the action. We just want a little taste. We want to pretend that we have seasons because seasons are awesome! It is genuinely disappointing and a little bit depressing to not have them.
Seasons bring a change of pace to life and keep it moving forward. Seasons keep life from feeling too stagnant or stale. They also bring new joys and adventures. The leaves turning red and orange bring excited tidings of Halloween costumes and candy. The chill winds carry a whiff of Turkey, pumpkin pie, and family/friend bonding over Thanksgiving. The first signs of snow remind us the merry holiday is coming to town. There are all the awesome fall and winter adventures: apple picking, dangerously rocketing down snowy slopes on shoddy sleds or inner-tubes, making snow angels, pushing people in leaf piles and laughing maniacally, etc. Seasons bring so many wonderful things that it sucks when you don't get that. It sucks when you have to see people's photos amongst the gorgeous red and orange leaves. It sucks when you when you see status updates about frolicking in the snow and you can't even remember the last time you saw snow with your own eyes. Even chores, like raking leaves and plowing snow, that are mundane and obnoxious to you seem charming to us. It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it all just kinda sucks a bit. It's no wonder Westeros is such a fucked up place full of fucked up people: their seasons last 10 crazy ass years!
And yes, we know that living in our climate has its advantages. Not having to worry about ever being snowed in, being able to play outdoors any day of the year, not having to worry about scary road conditions, etc. Yes, we have many awesome advantages and we appreciate them. We really do. But that also means there are disadvantages, and it's hard not to be jealous or forlorn when we see what we don't have shoved in our face all the time via social media.
Deep down, we know it's not cold and that we don't really have fall or winter. It's a little sad and disappointing every single year. So when we pretend that's it cold, we know better. We just desperately want it to be fall and winter so we can join in the fun. So don't be that guy; don't be an asshole. Just shut up and let us into your party. Don't be the schoolyard bully that mocks the weird kid and makes him go home crying. Be the cool kid that invites that weird kid to join your game and makes him feel welcome. Let us have our pumpkin and peppermint dreams!
That means it's the time of year for the clearly superior race of humans that live in real cold climates to mock and be hostile towards the clearly inferior race of wimpy humans that don't know what real cold is. Now, there are those that think 60° is legitimately freezing and fear they will actually turn into a popsicle (usually wearing Uggs). Those people really are stupid and should probably be mocked (especially if they're wearing Uggs). And I understand the eye rolling at people who complain about how cold it is when it's so nice they could be playing beach volleyball while you are snowed in or dodging icicles of death. I get it; as an Angelino, I have to seriously restrain myself from yelling "you don't even know what real traffic is" whenever Texans complain about traffic on Facebook. But I try to restrain myself (key word is "try") because I don't want to be that asshole. It's rude an obnoxious. So resist going all Bane with your "you merely adopted the cold, I was born into it, molded by it, blah blah blah" nonsense in that annoying high-pitched voice that was an unbelievably idiotic "character choice."
Regardless, this isn't really what I'm talking about. This is more about being dicks when people are excited about what passes as our pathetic excuses for fall and winter. Look, we're not stupid; we know it's not that cold. Most of us have lived in or visited a truly cold place before. We know we don't have real seasons. We know that you have to deal with real cold and crazy road conditions. We know that you have it worse than us. We know, we know, WE KNOW! So what's up with us? We just want to be a part of the action. We just want a little taste. We want to pretend that we have seasons because seasons are awesome! It is genuinely disappointing and a little bit depressing to not have them.
Seasons bring a change of pace to life and keep it moving forward. Seasons keep life from feeling too stagnant or stale. They also bring new joys and adventures. The leaves turning red and orange bring excited tidings of Halloween costumes and candy. The chill winds carry a whiff of Turkey, pumpkin pie, and family/friend bonding over Thanksgiving. The first signs of snow remind us the merry holiday is coming to town. There are all the awesome fall and winter adventures: apple picking, dangerously rocketing down snowy slopes on shoddy sleds or inner-tubes, making snow angels, pushing people in leaf piles and laughing maniacally, etc. Seasons bring so many wonderful things that it sucks when you don't get that. It sucks when you have to see people's photos amongst the gorgeous red and orange leaves. It sucks when you when you see status updates about frolicking in the snow and you can't even remember the last time you saw snow with your own eyes. Even chores, like raking leaves and plowing snow, that are mundane and obnoxious to you seem charming to us. It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it all just kinda sucks a bit. It's no wonder Westeros is such a fucked up place full of fucked up people: their seasons last 10 crazy ass years!
And yes, we know that living in our climate has its advantages. Not having to worry about ever being snowed in, being able to play outdoors any day of the year, not having to worry about scary road conditions, etc. Yes, we have many awesome advantages and we appreciate them. We really do. But that also means there are disadvantages, and it's hard not to be jealous or forlorn when we see what we don't have shoved in our face all the time via social media.
Deep down, we know it's not cold and that we don't really have fall or winter. It's a little sad and disappointing every single year. So when we pretend that's it cold, we know better. We just desperately want it to be fall and winter so we can join in the fun. So don't be that guy; don't be an asshole. Just shut up and let us into your party. Don't be the schoolyard bully that mocks the weird kid and makes him go home crying. Be the cool kid that invites that weird kid to join your game and makes him feel welcome. Let us have our pumpkin and peppermint dreams!
Friday, November 7, 2014
Punch Someone In The Face If They Celebrate Christmas Too Early
This is is not an "I hate Christmas" rant. Actually, I love Christmas (and "Love Actually," actually). It's a wonderful season: the decorations, music, loving spirit, time with family and friends, movies and tv specials, pretending it's winter in SoCal...it's all great. Well, it's only great when it's special. And to be special, it has to be long enough to enjoy but brief enough to not wear out. We had it all figured it out once upon a time: one glorious month starting after Thanksgiving. For awhile we lived in perfect winter wonderland utopia (minus the stress of finding and buying gifts of course).
Then the retailers and Christmas junkies ruined it for us all. Now, Christmas season apparently starts after Halloween, and Thanksgiving is simply a day for rioting in Walmart. I've tried for years to brush it off by pretending that other people can't ruin Christmas for the rest of us by starting too early. That's their prerogative, right? Wrong. Having it shoved in your face by stores, radio, and your fellow man does ruin it for the rest of us. Having it exist longer than it should takes away the wonder and specialness for everyone because you can't escape it for that whole extra month. "Here comes Santa Clause" blaring in your ear drums uninvited, dodging tinsel in the aisles, holiday commercials assaulting you with no warning, sales flooding your inbox, peppermint lattes shoved down your throat...THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!!
I, and many other good citizens, have tried for years to use reason, logic, and peaceful pleas to end this madness. Well, it isn't working. The retailers and junkies are only getting worse. We can't directly stop the retailers as capitalism will run its course. All we can do is stop the junkies from caving in early to the retailers and radio stations. Peaceful solutions are no longer an option; they will not work.
Therefore, I call upon you all to bravely take a stand! If you catch someone celebrating Christmas too early, there's only one thing you can do: punch them in the fucking face. It's the only way they'll learn. So please, for the good of the entire world, be brave and true!
Here comes Kevin Long, and his brave army
All up in your damn face.
Uppercut, back punch, maybe a right hook
Punching you in the face!
Ears are ringing, vision blurring,
All is righteous and just.
Shut your damn mouth and say a prayer
Cause Kevin's Army comes tonight!
Then the retailers and Christmas junkies ruined it for us all. Now, Christmas season apparently starts after Halloween, and Thanksgiving is simply a day for rioting in Walmart. I've tried for years to brush it off by pretending that other people can't ruin Christmas for the rest of us by starting too early. That's their prerogative, right? Wrong. Having it shoved in your face by stores, radio, and your fellow man does ruin it for the rest of us. Having it exist longer than it should takes away the wonder and specialness for everyone because you can't escape it for that whole extra month. "Here comes Santa Clause" blaring in your ear drums uninvited, dodging tinsel in the aisles, holiday commercials assaulting you with no warning, sales flooding your inbox, peppermint lattes shoved down your throat...THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!!
I, and many other good citizens, have tried for years to use reason, logic, and peaceful pleas to end this madness. Well, it isn't working. The retailers and junkies are only getting worse. We can't directly stop the retailers as capitalism will run its course. All we can do is stop the junkies from caving in early to the retailers and radio stations. Peaceful solutions are no longer an option; they will not work.
Therefore, I call upon you all to bravely take a stand! If you catch someone celebrating Christmas too early, there's only one thing you can do: punch them in the fucking face. It's the only way they'll learn. So please, for the good of the entire world, be brave and true!
Here comes Kevin Long, and his brave army
All up in your damn face.
Uppercut, back punch, maybe a right hook
Punching you in the face!
Ears are ringing, vision blurring,
All is righteous and just.
Shut your damn mouth and say a prayer
Cause Kevin's Army comes tonight!
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