Punch Someone In The Face If They Celebrate Christmas Too Early

This is is not an "I hate Christmas" rant. Actually, I love Christmas (and "Love Actually," actually). It's a wonderful season: the decorations, music, loving spirit, time with family and friends, movies and tv specials, pretending it's winter in SoCal...it's all great. Well, it's only great when it's special. And to be special, it has to be long enough to enjoy but brief enough to not wear out. We had it all figured it out once upon a time: one glorious month starting after Thanksgiving. For awhile we lived in perfect winter wonderland utopia (minus the stress of finding and buying gifts of course).

Then the retailers and Christmas junkies ruined it for us all. Now, Christmas season apparently starts after Halloween, and Thanksgiving is simply a day for rioting in Walmart. I've tried for years to brush it off by pretending that other people can't ruin Christmas for the rest of us by starting too early. That's their prerogative, right? Wrong. Having it shoved in your face by stores, radio, and your fellow man does ruin it for the rest of us. Having it exist longer than it should takes away the wonder and specialness for everyone because you can't escape it for that whole extra month. "Here comes Santa Clause" blaring in your ear drums uninvited, dodging tinsel in the aisles, holiday commercials assaulting you with no warning, sales flooding your inbox, peppermint lattes shoved down your throat...THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!!

I, and many other good citizens, have tried for years to use reason, logic, and peaceful pleas to end this madness. Well, it isn't working. The retailers and junkies are only getting worse. We can't directly stop the retailers as capitalism will run its course. All we can do is stop the junkies from caving in early to the retailers and radio stations. Peaceful solutions are no longer an option; they will not work.

Therefore, I call upon you all to bravely take a stand! If you catch someone celebrating Christmas too early, there's only one thing you can do: punch them in the fucking face. It's the only way they'll learn. So please, for the good of the entire world, be brave and true!

Here comes Kevin Long, and his brave army
All up in your damn face.
Uppercut, back punch, maybe a right hook
Punching you in the face!

Ears are ringing, vision blurring,
All is righteous and just. 
Shut your damn mouth and say a prayer
Cause Kevin's Army comes tonight!