3 Fixes That Would Make "Love Actually" Just About Perfect

All images from the film © 2003 WT Venture LLC. 
(Not that I got their permission...)

There are two kinds of people in this world: those that recognize that "Love Actually" is simultaneously one of the greatest romantic comedies and Christmas movies ever made, and those that clearly have bad taste. It not only oozes charming, cutesy, can't-help-but-smile love; it's chockerbock full of all kinds of awesomeness: Brits being cold dicks to each other as a counterintuitive form of compassion, a joke that references both David Beckham AND Harry Potter, kids cursing, that terrible extra who way overreacts to Andrew Lincoln's public outburst, Liam Neeson telling his stepson he'd fuck Claudia Schiffer in his room...I could make an entire ad ridden, Buzzfeed worthy, hundred page long, clickbait slideshow about all the awesome stuff "Love Actually" gives us.  

Damn I love fuckin' love this guy!

However, that's not to say the film is perfect. As wonderful as it is, it definitely has flaws, and as much as I love it, I'll be the first to acknowledge its story issues.  It's not surprising, given that it's an ensemble film with eight different but interweaving plot lines. Not all the stories float everyone's boat, as everyone brings their own life experiences, morals, and ideas to the table. Still, most of the stories are rock solid and people's criticism is usually just about their own tastes or ideas clashing with the film and not any fault of the film. 

Kris Marshall's ridiculous American sexual conquest is pure "only in the movies" male fantasy, but flawless for what it is: silly comedic relief. Liam Neeson's stepfather guiding of young Thomas Sangster's first childhood love, Hugh Grant's reluctant surrender to Cupid's arrow, and Martin Freeman's 100% sweet meet-cute are all saccharine but relatable and believable fairy tales full of mirth. Bill Nighy's perverted clown antics bring a wonderfully platonic tale about a love just as important as romance: friendship. Lastly, Emma Thompson's/Alan Rickman's marriage with emotional adultery and Laura Linney's failed love-come-true are sad and unfortunately all-too-real tales that counterbalance the silliness with grounded drama. 

Perhaps these stories aren't completely flawless, but no work of art or entertainment is, no matter how good. Still, they are totes solid and fine as they stand. The other two plot lines, however, make some cockups that hold the film back from being damn near perfect. Which is a shame, because they could have easily been fixed. 

1) Slow Your Roll, Mr. Darcy

I love me some Colin Firth, and I love this plot line right up until the very end. A lot of us hopeless romantics can relate to Jaimie's hesitation after being cruelly betrayed by a lover, and then his bold, idiotic, naive head-first dive back into the deep end. Most of this story is great: he's blindsided by adultery, he retreats to lick his wounds, he meets and connects with a beautiful woman, Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz), who doesn't speak the same language but they speak the language of love, their time together comes to an end and he's too afraid to do anything about it because he was just deeply hurt, but then he can't let it go and jumps on an airplane last minute to go see her, and then....and then he completely jumps the fucking shark by asking her to marry him. 

Asking someone you barely know to get married and move in with you is batshit crazy and Donald Trump level of stupid. Not to mention someone you've never actually had a conversation with because you didn't share a common language. Though there's an exception to every rule, and maybe one out of ten (at best) of these marriages do work out, let's face it: nine times out of ten this ends in disaster. Seriously, Colin. What. The. Fuck. Are you just thinking with your dick because she gave you a massive boner when you saw her strip down to her knickers?

Dude, slow the fuck down. Instead of doing the craziest and stupidest thing you could possibly do, how about just asking her out on a date? Get to know her, see if you're actually compatible and have things to talk about, see if your morals and life views align. Continue to date if it works out, and then maybe pop the question some day when a reasonable amount of time has passed. Doesn't that sound like a pretty good idea, Colin...I mean, Jamie. Sorry, you're just so dreamy...in a British sort of way...whatever that means...uh...let's move on.

If he knocked the intensity down a peg—okay more than few pegs—the plot line would still be just as romantic, if not more so: diligently learning the language of his missed connection, and then flying to her country last minute on Christmas Eve to ask her out. That still toes the crazy borderline, but he can clearly afford it (maybe I can get some of that sweet writer money), and it's not unreasonable to want to get the fuck away from his back-stabbing brother during the holidays. 

So there you have it. Fix numero uno in the bag. Next!

2) A Couple Extra Cue Cards

This is probably the most controversial story in the film. After Juliet (Kiera Knightly) finally figures out that Mark (Andrew Lincoln, not fighting zombies) doesn't hate her, but is actually in love with her, Mark surprises her on Christmas Eve to come clean and confess his love. A lot of people misinterpret this as him back-stabbing his best friend, Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor), and making a play for her. Sigh. Dudes, that's not it at all. He has completely avoided her and been cold to her since day one because he loves his best friend and knows he has to stay away from her. He's not suddenly throwing his moral fiber out of the door. 

Moreover, when he walks away, he says, "Enough. Enough now." Thus asserting to himself (and us) that he's beginning the process of moving on. Some people mishear it as, "enough for now," thinking that this is just the start of his pursuit. Understandable for anyone who isn't British, especially since the actor mumbles it. Hell, I had to look it up after I first saw the film.

"So why is he telling her this on Christmas? He should just bottle up his feelings and get over her! What if his friend had answered the door instead?"

Sigh...alright. Let's address the false criticisms before we get to the valid criticism of this scene. First of all, he knows that she will be the one to answer the door because he knows his best friend inside and out; he knows that when the dude is in couch potato mode, there's no way he's getting up off his ass unless absolutely forced to. He also knows that she is the bubbly, gregarious, outgoing, happy-to-answer-the-door type of person. And so do we, the audience. We've seen it all movie long. We have seen that Peter is more reserved, quiet, and mild mannered, while Juliet is bursting through every scene with Rainbow Bright levels of enthusiasm. It's 99% guaranteed she'll be the one answering the door. And in the one percent chance she didn't, then so what? He could just say that he came to wish them a Merry Christmas! "What am I doing with these cue cards and a boom box? Ugh, don't ask. Stupid work crap on Christmas Eve—of all days—for the gallery that you know I work at." Boom. See: just use your critical thinking skills, y'all! I know you have them.

"Awwww, you're so sweet. Merry Christmas to you too, homie!"

Why on Christmas? Well, his cue card says it all; he apparently believes Christmas is the time for telling the truth. Is that actually a thing? Whatever, it's what he believes. People believe in all kinds of weird shit. It's truthful to him, and that's all that matters. Just because the audience doesn't believe in something doesn't mean that belief is not valid for the character. Plus, this is a Christmas movie. Their story has to culminate at Christmas. It's a movie for fuck's sake; there will be conceits. Just go with it.

Lastly, anyone that believes he should just bottle up his feelings, get over her and move on...holy shit, your emotional intelligence is so damn low...I feel sorry for all your love partners, friends, and family because you clearly suck at relationships and communication. Yes, she already knows that he is in love with her, but that hasn't actually been addressed between them. As soon as she found out, he bolted. It's a huge elephant in the room (cue a cute cue card of a giant elephant photoshopped into a tiny room), and they have to address it. She is his best friend's wife; they are going to see each other. They are going to be a part of each other's lives. There's no way around it, no forgetting it, no sweeping it under the rug. They have to talk about it. It's as simple as that.

Seriously, how great would this look on a cue card?

Finally, we get to the real problem with the scene. What he does is basically say: "Yeah...so I love you. I think you're perfect and all that jazz, but I know I can't have you and that you belong with my best friend. Don't worry, I'm gonna try to place my love elsewhere. Hopefully I'll be banging some hot babe next year! Anyway...I'm telling you this cause it's Christmas, cause fuck it. Merry Christmas!" The problem here is he doesn't say enough to make it clear for everyone in the audience to understand and appreciate what he's doing. 

A couple extra cue cards would have solved this. First, the aforementioned photoshopped elephant in the room: comedic relief and a valid explanation. Two for the price of one cue card! Later, a penultimate card before Merry Christmas saying his gift to her and Peter is that he will try to be her friend. That would make it clear he's not making a play, but promising to try for an amazing, nigh Herculean feat: mastering his unasked for and uncontrollable love for her to be her friend, for the sake of their mutual love of her husband/his best friend. Damn, what high poetic drama that shit would have been!

3) Maybe Don't Kiss Your Husband's Best Friend on the Mouth

She finally forced that Banoffee Pie down this throat.

That scene also contains another controversy: Juliet kisses Mark on the mouth. This act is also woefully misconstrued as a romantic expression, as if she's cheating on her new husband. Really though, she's not indulging him with that kiss or flirting with adulterous feelings.

She's not kissing him romantically; she's giving him a friendly, caring kiss of compassion, much as a mother or father kisses their child goodnight. No, she's not his mother, but in many other cultures, mouth to mouth kisses don't necessarily signify romance. It's American ignorance to assume two adults briefly pecking on the lips is an expression of romantic love. She's just giving him a kiss that says, "Hey dude, thanks for admitting that. I know it was hard, and I feel for you. I hope the best for you!" While I don't personally have a problem with it, they could have easily avoided this confusion with a cheek kiss instead. That also would have avoided any possible misunderstanding by Mark on the receiving end, because when someone confesses their love for you, you really don't want to do anything they might misconstrue as reciprocation.

OMG Love Actually is the bestest evah!!!

So there you have it: three easy changes that would have solved Colin Firth's and Kiera Knightly's issues...okay, not their issues, the film's issues. I don't know what personal issues they have to be worked out, but I wish them the best with those. Anyway...I think these fixes would have made one my favorite movies damn near perfect. I'll still keep on loving it, nonetheless. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and as those gap-minding Brits say: Happy Christmas!