The Purge List

This screenshot isn't traumatizing anymore!

Game of Thrones is back, which means heads are once again rolling. In honor of that, I present a list of people who should be purged from real life, their heads cut clean off by the orders of Bastard King Joffrey. The world is overpopulated anyway, so we might as well clean it up with some medieval brutality. There are many possible candidates, so I may have to do future lists. For now, here are six for six seasons of GOT:

1) Litterers and Cart-Abandoners

If you're such a lazy piece of shit that you can't be bothered to walk a few feet to properly dispose of your trash or return your cart to one of the many abundant cart returns, then fuck you. You clearly don't give a rat's ass about anyone else. Off with your worthless head!

2) Slowpokes and Freeway Scardey-cats

If snails are walking faster than you down the sidewalk, you are a menace to society. Double menace if you're side by side with your cohorts, completely oblivious that you're hogging and blocking the entire sidewalk. If you can't pay attention, you don't deserve attention.

Even worse are the incompetent jackasses driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the fast lane. What. The. Fuck. Not only are you obnoxious, you're an actual danger on the road. If you can't keep up, you don't deserve to live, much less be on the road.

3) Crossfitters

Photoshop not needed to make this stupid.

It's now a long worn out joke and perhaps I'm lazy for making it, but it's still all too true: the first rule of crossfit is never shut the fuck up about crossfit. The second rule of crossfit is never shut the fuck up about crossfit. And no, I'm not capitalizing crossfit, you crossfitting douchebags. 

Look, we don't care that you do crossfit. That's totally cool if that's what you're into. Who cares? I mean, it's stupid and you're going to hurt yourself because it's run by a bunch of unqualified miseducated idiots that don't know what they're doing, but if that's what you want that's totally fine. It's just that you just won't shut the fuck up about it, ever. So the only solution is absolution by execution. 

4) Preachy Propagandists

It doesn't matter what you're dogmatizing for, be it religion, diet, politics, art, entertainment, Velcro, Furry sex...whatever. If you're constantly trying to coerce or persuade everyone to convert to your beliefs, you're a childish dick and a fool. Ever hear of leading by example, or catching more flies with honey? Those aren't simply cliches; they're utterly true. Your soapboxing is not only pissing everyone off, it's not even helping your cause. If you can't get secure enough if your beliefs to not feel the need force them on everyone else, then fuck it. Just die. 

5) Anyone That Doesn't Like at Least 1 of The 3 Big Nerd IPs

No, I didn't come up with this. I'm not that clever.

Art and entertainment are highly subjective and I absolutely advocate, "to each their own." Whatever you like or don't like, it's all good man. However, as with every rule, there is an exception, and that's the big three of nerddom: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. If you don't like any of them and have been exposed to all, god damn there is something seriously wrong with you. You are a deeply flawed, malfunctioning, malignant human being and your genes are too dangerous to pass on. For the good of all and for the future of humanity, you must go and your line must die with you.

6) Anyone That Does Like The Star Wars Prequels

How do you make prequel cosplay even more abhorrent? Selfie stick.

Sometimes, art and entertainment are objective: objectively bad. The Star Wars prequels are nothing but steaming piles of shit. There is no defense for them, and anyone who says otherwise is one of the following: sadly still in denial, a child, or the village idiot. If they're in denial, then we must help them, for they are a mental patient who needs and deserves our help. If they're a child, they'll probably wise up when they grow up and figure it out on their own. If they're just stupid, then we must not allow their stupid genes to pass on. There's already enough of that going around, and their genes are the stupidest of all. We must not let Idiocracy come true. 

Poetry Practice 1

HAIKU

Every day it's mine,

Creamy, smooth, and tasty oil.

Peanut butter yeah!

Dark foul thorned demon

Or shining pure winged angel,

Prequels vs OT.

At first it burns harsh,
But then you learn its great truth,
Whiskey warms the soul.

Once asked for much gold,

And required a long quest,

Now free and easy.

(Porn. This is a poem about porn.)

KYRIELLE

Once we all travelled together,

Now we are loose from the tether, 

It feels like a massive rat race,

Our journeys move at their own pace.

At times happy for each other,

At times a sick wish to smother,

Always have two sides to our face,

Our journeys move at their own pace.

One day it can feel like a dream,

Another we just want to scream,

It depends on our current place,

Our journeys move at their own pace.

At times it seems too hard to bear,

We must make sure our souls don't tear,

And remember we are an ace,

Our journeys move at their own pace.

DIAMANTE

Single

Serene, lonely,

Yearning, begging, chasing

Greener grass on the other side, on the other side greener grass

Longing, pleading, escaping

Chaotic, loving,

Relationships 

KENNINGS

Sadistic troll

Unmerciful god

Untrustworthy snake

Vanishing ghost

Zen disruptor
Soul crusher

Spirit destroyer

Heart eater

Unclimbable mountain

Infinite sea

Inescapable desert

Impenetrable forest

Ass raper

Asshole expander

Anal prober

Analingus coercer

Unemployment.

"Follow Your Heart" Is Terrible Advice

Follow your heart. 
Do what feels right.
Listen to your gut.

How often have we heard or been told some variation on this? If I had a nickel for every time, I'd probably have enough money to at least buy the entire Planet of the Apes saga on Blu-ray. Those damned dirty apes! Anyway, follow your heart seems to be the most ubiquitous adage in modern civilization, and that's a shame, because it's terrible advice.

Zack Morris time out! Before you change channels or throw tomatoes at me, which I know most of you want to do, let's just go right into an example before philosophical rumination and explanation. Time in! 

You know what my heart is saying right now? "Hey Kevin, you miss your ex. You still love her. You should get back together." My heart is stupid. Our relationship was toxic and volatile; we were horrible together. It brought out the worst in us instead of the best, made us both miserable, and left my self-esteem in tatters. Wanting to be with that person again is completely insane. If that's my heart is telling me, clearly it can't be trusted in this matter.

Not that I shouldn't ever listen to my heart. The problem is that the heart is only part of the equation. If we only listen to our heart, often it will lead to disaster. Sometimes, our heart wants what isn't good for us. The heart needs to be paired with our brain because our brain can stop us from doing something incredibly stupid. 

Now, another Zack Morris timeout to clarify what we're talking about here. We're not talking literally about the heart as a separate entity. The heart is just a metaphor for our emotions, morality, memories, and instincts. These are all part of the brain; that's where all the action goes down. But when we refer to our brain, we're only referring to the non-emotional parts: logic, critical thinking, and knowledge. So it's all about the brain, just different aspects. Time in!

Logic, critical thinking, and knowledge help us make better decisions. Right now, my brain is arguing with my heart about that ex situation. It's talked me out of doing anything stupid and is currently whipping my heart to motivate it to let go and move on. Though sometimes it ends up whipping itself like young Indiana Jones, but that's neither here nor there.

This cuts both ways. If didn't listen to our heart at all, and only listened to our brain, we would also do things that end up causing emotional pain and distress. Our heart is a big part of who we are. The cold logic of the brain doesn't really understand the heart and therefore can't really make informed decisions about it without consulting it.

The brain and the heart are a partnership; they need it each other. In fact, together they can make a great team if cooperating in harmony: wisdom. Knowledge, logic, and critical thinking are great, but they can't become wisdom without emotional experience. Wisdom trumps everything because it's the whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. It's what we need to make beneficial decisions.

Wisdom prevents us from making the same mistakes again and again, which our stupid hearts would do if it weren't for the brain. Wisdom helps us pursue paths and goals that are good for us emotionally, which the brain couldn't do on its own either. Wisdom is our proper guide, and needs both the brain and heart to gain experience in order to get better. It takes the best of both and balances them out so that all prosper as one.

So, we really need to stop with the "listen to your heart, gut, or instinct" advice because it's incomplete. It's only part of the equation, like "E" in "E=mc²." On its own, "E" means nothing; it's just nonsense. We shouldn't say "follow your brain" either, as that's only the "mc²" part of the equation. What am I going to do with an "mc²?" Nothing. We need both to understand the equation. 

Instead, we should be saying, "Follow your wisdom." Wisdom is the whole equation: W=B+H. Wisdom is the brain and the heart, together as one. Listen to them both. Let them talk to each other. Let them help each other. Then, follow your wisdom.

How Could Disney Drop The Ball On Blu-Rey???

Thanks internet, for pickup up Disney's slack.

You've got to be kidding me, Disney. Blu-Ray. Blu-Rey. Rey even wields a blue lightsaber. It's perfect and it's so easy. It's right there, just begging to be used. I'm certainly not the only one to have thought of it; plenty have tweeted #blurey or shared photoshopped blue Reys. It must be noted, however, that I did think it up all on my own because, let's face it, if there's an eye-roll inducing dad-joke pun to be made, you can always count on me. This is certainly one of those. Even toddlers have probably made up Blu-Rey jokes.

So how in Yoda's name could this have slipped by you, Disney? Did you not think of it, or did you decide not to use it? Either way, you're more stupid than the prequels. Okay...maybe not that stupid, but at least as stupid as Greedo for letting Han shoot first. Now, I realize you legally have to print the trademarked Blu-Ray logo on all media, but that doesn't mean you can't also slip in Blu-Rey somewhere. For Vader's sake, you could at least tweet it or facebook it. If Sony stopped you from doing that, then get Luke or Lando to blow up their headquarters because they're surely operating a Death Star.

But if Sony is not responsible for this travesty, then whoever at Disney is needs to be fired immediately. They clearly suck at their job and have let the entire galaxy down. This can not go unpunished. You need to throw a Kylo Ren temper tantrum. Unleash the emo: obliterate a room with your lightsaber and force choke some disposable employees.

Come on, Disney. How hard was this?

What reason could you possibly have? Was your marketing team butthurt that the internet thought of it first? If so, toss those cry-babies into a Sarlaac pit and get some grown-ass bounty hunters on your team. Was it just too easy? There's nothing wrong with making the easy obvious joke. Marketing teams have us gagging all the time, more than Jabba on his death bed, so that's no excuse. Or did you just not like it? Was it too dad-jokey for you? If so, you have even worse judgement than Darth Vader: the man who murdered a bunch of children and all his colleagues, just because he had a bad dream his lover would die and a creepy old man, who clearly wanted to bone him, told him he could stop death if he became his murderous psychopathic apprentice. 

Don't be like that, Disney. You don't want to be compared to the main character from a trilogy all your sane fans have disowned and still pretend doesn't exist, and that ruined the life of its child actor. You're better than that. I know you are. So come on, it's not too late to jump on the Blu-Rey bandwagon. It's never too late to leave the dark side and come back to the light. It's okay, you can do it. There's good in you; I feel it. I believe in you. I promise I'll make sure your helmet doesn't end up in the hands of your whiny grandson. So come on. Come back to us. Throw the Emperor into that pretty rad-looking abyss. 

Happy Blu-Rey Day, and may the force be with you!

Let People Be Happy For You

Normally, the people that care about us are happy for us when good things happen. Sometimes, however, we become that asshole that just won't shut the hell up about it, to the point where our loved ones stop feeling happy for us and instead resent us for it. At some point in our lives, we all do this at least once. Typically, it's a career success, wedding/engagement, achievement of a personal goal, or a new toy, but it can be anything that we feel is significant at the time ("at the time" is key here because the crappier our life is going, the harder we grasp at straws trying to make trivial things significant).

We won't stop talking about it or posting about it on social media. We'll use any flimsy excuse to bring it up in conversation, no matter how unrelated it is. We'll change the subject as soon as we feel it's acceptable, often oblivious that the other parties feel interrupted or cut off. We try to keep reliving the moment as much as we can, and can't help but try to get our loved ones to relive it with us. 

It's only natural. Life is incredibly hard and we're all just a bunch of bumbling idiots stumbling around in total darkness, without night-vision goggles, in search of happiness. We don't really know what we're doing or how to be happy, so we just do the best that we can and whatever we think works at that time. Therefore, when good things happen to us, we tend to hold on as tight as we can for as long as we can. If we let it go, we don't what else to be happy about, so letting go doesn't seem like an option.

If anyone ever expresses their exhaustion and resentment over it, we feel incredibly hurt. "Why aren't they happy for me? I was just trying to share!" The problem, however, is that we're not asking them to be happy for us. If they care about us, then of course they're happy for us. But what we're really asking them is to keep celebrating it. There's a world of difference, even though it often doesn't feel like it at the time.

So what's wrong with that? Every success, achievement, or joy has a shelf life of celebration. They are moments: moments don't last. They come and go. You get your time in the sun, your fifteen minutes of fame, and then it's done. It's over. You have to step aside because it's time for new moments, whether for you or others. People only have a finite amount of enthusiasm and congratulations to give for each moment, and once their tank has run out, that's it, it's empty for good. After that point, continuing to ask them to celebrate with you just makes you seem incredibly selfish and self-centered. They wonder, "Why can't they just get over themselves"? 

The confusing part is that moments all have different shelf lives. The bigger the moment, the longer the celebratory period lasts. A wedding, for instance, will get more than a minor job promotion or a new car. However, there are no explicit rules or guides to reference. We have to figure it out for every new circumstance. Moreover, to make it even more complicated, everyone has a different size of celebration tank, and the size of that tank fluctuates throughout life. If someone is happier, calmer, and more at peace, their tank will be much bigger than someone's who is struggling, depressed, or unhappy. 

Really, the only way to tell when we've reached the limit is by being extraordinarily adept at reading nonverbal cues. Considering the amount of time and practice it can—and probably will—take to get that good, it's not very reliable nor immediately practical.

Ultimately, the true path is to become more wise, peaceful, and genuinely happy so that we can ride the moments of joy and greatness when they come, but then let them go and move on when they are over, instead of desperately clinging on long past their expiration dates. However, this too is an incredibly long-term solution that we may not even succeed at. This whole problem is a result of not achieving that yet.

So what the hell do we do, here and now, in the short-term? Honestly, it's pretty simple: let people be happy for you. Once you're past the announcement and a handful of reminiscings, just stop talking about it. It's definitely going to be really hard; you're going to want so badly to talk or post about it, but resist! The people that love you and care about you will happily bring it up on their own. If they still have fuel left in their celebration tank, they will gladly take the initiative to celebrate more with you. You will get plenty of time in the sun without forcing everyone else to get massive sunburns. Everyone wins. Trust me on this. Just shut up and let people be happy for you.