The Purge List

This screenshot isn't traumatizing anymore!

Game of Thrones is back, which means heads are once again rolling. In honor of that, I present a list of people who should be purged from real life, their heads cut clean off by the orders of Bastard King Joffrey. The world is overpopulated anyway, so we might as well clean it up with some medieval brutality. There are many possible candidates, so I may have to do future lists. For now, here are six for six seasons of GOT:

1) Litterers and Cart-Abandoners

If you're such a lazy piece of shit that you can't be bothered to walk a few feet to properly dispose of your trash or return your cart to one of the many abundant cart returns, then fuck you. You clearly don't give a rat's ass about anyone else. Off with your worthless head!

2) Slowpokes and Freeway Scardey-cats

If snails are walking faster than you down the sidewalk, you are a menace to society. Double menace if you're side by side with your cohorts, completely oblivious that you're hogging and blocking the entire sidewalk. If you can't pay attention, you don't deserve attention.

Even worse are the incompetent jackasses driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the fast lane. What. The. Fuck. Not only are you obnoxious, you're an actual danger on the road. If you can't keep up, you don't deserve to live, much less be on the road.

3) Crossfitters

Photoshop not needed to make this stupid.

It's now a long worn out joke and perhaps I'm lazy for making it, but it's still all too true: the first rule of crossfit is never shut the fuck up about crossfit. The second rule of crossfit is never shut the fuck up about crossfit. And no, I'm not capitalizing crossfit, you crossfitting douchebags. 

Look, we don't care that you do crossfit. That's totally cool if that's what you're into. Who cares? I mean, it's stupid and you're going to hurt yourself because it's run by a bunch of unqualified miseducated idiots that don't know what they're doing, but if that's what you want that's totally fine. It's just that you just won't shut the fuck up about it, ever. So the only solution is absolution by execution. 

4) Preachy Propagandists

It doesn't matter what you're dogmatizing for, be it religion, diet, politics, art, entertainment, Velcro, Furry sex...whatever. If you're constantly trying to coerce or persuade everyone to convert to your beliefs, you're a childish dick and a fool. Ever hear of leading by example, or catching more flies with honey? Those aren't simply cliches; they're utterly true. Your soapboxing is not only pissing everyone off, it's not even helping your cause. If you can't get secure enough if your beliefs to not feel the need force them on everyone else, then fuck it. Just die. 

5) Anyone That Doesn't Like at Least 1 of The 3 Big Nerd IPs

No, I didn't come up with this. I'm not that clever.

Art and entertainment are highly subjective and I absolutely advocate, "to each their own." Whatever you like or don't like, it's all good man. However, as with every rule, there is an exception, and that's the big three of nerddom: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and Star Wars. If you don't like any of them and have been exposed to all, god damn there is something seriously wrong with you. You are a deeply flawed, malfunctioning, malignant human being and your genes are too dangerous to pass on. For the good of all and for the future of humanity, you must go and your line must die with you.

6) Anyone That Does Like The Star Wars Prequels

How do you make prequel cosplay even more abhorrent? Selfie stick.

Sometimes, art and entertainment are objective: objectively bad. The Star Wars prequels are nothing but steaming piles of shit. There is no defense for them, and anyone who says otherwise is one of the following: sadly still in denial, a child, or the village idiot. If they're in denial, then we must help them, for they are a mental patient who needs and deserves our help. If they're a child, they'll probably wise up when they grow up and figure it out on their own. If they're just stupid, then we must not allow their stupid genes to pass on. There's already enough of that going around, and their genes are the stupidest of all. We must not let Idiocracy come true.