"Follow Your Heart" Is Terrible Advice

Follow your heart. 
Do what feels right.
Listen to your gut.

How often have we heard or been told some variation on this? If I had a nickel for every time, I'd probably have enough money to at least buy the entire Planet of the Apes saga on Blu-ray. Those damned dirty apes! Anyway, follow your heart seems to be the most ubiquitous adage in modern civilization, and that's a shame, because it's terrible advice.

Zack Morris time out! Before you change channels or throw tomatoes at me, which I know most of you want to do, let's just go right into an example before philosophical rumination and explanation. Time in! 

You know what my heart is saying right now? "Hey Kevin, you miss your ex. You still love her. You should get back together." My heart is stupid. Our relationship was toxic and volatile; we were horrible together. It brought out the worst in us instead of the best, made us both miserable, and left my self-esteem in tatters. Wanting to be with that person again is completely insane. If that's my heart is telling me, clearly it can't be trusted in this matter.

Not that I shouldn't ever listen to my heart. The problem is that the heart is only part of the equation. If we only listen to our heart, often it will lead to disaster. Sometimes, our heart wants what isn't good for us. The heart needs to be paired with our brain because our brain can stop us from doing something incredibly stupid. 

Now, another Zack Morris timeout to clarify what we're talking about here. We're not talking literally about the heart as a separate entity. The heart is just a metaphor for our emotions, morality, memories, and instincts. These are all part of the brain; that's where all the action goes down. But when we refer to our brain, we're only referring to the non-emotional parts: logic, critical thinking, and knowledge. So it's all about the brain, just different aspects. Time in!

Logic, critical thinking, and knowledge help us make better decisions. Right now, my brain is arguing with my heart about that ex situation. It's talked me out of doing anything stupid and is currently whipping my heart to motivate it to let go and move on. Though sometimes it ends up whipping itself like young Indiana Jones, but that's neither here nor there.

This cuts both ways. If didn't listen to our heart at all, and only listened to our brain, we would also do things that end up causing emotional pain and distress. Our heart is a big part of who we are. The cold logic of the brain doesn't really understand the heart and therefore can't really make informed decisions about it without consulting it.

The brain and the heart are a partnership; they need it each other. In fact, together they can make a great team if cooperating in harmony: wisdom. Knowledge, logic, and critical thinking are great, but they can't become wisdom without emotional experience. Wisdom trumps everything because it's the whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. It's what we need to make beneficial decisions.

Wisdom prevents us from making the same mistakes again and again, which our stupid hearts would do if it weren't for the brain. Wisdom helps us pursue paths and goals that are good for us emotionally, which the brain couldn't do on its own either. Wisdom is our proper guide, and needs both the brain and heart to gain experience in order to get better. It takes the best of both and balances them out so that all prosper as one.

So, we really need to stop with the "listen to your heart, gut, or instinct" advice because it's incomplete. It's only part of the equation, like "E" in "E=mc²." On its own, "E" means nothing; it's just nonsense. We shouldn't say "follow your brain" either, as that's only the "mc²" part of the equation. What am I going to do with an "mc²?" Nothing. We need both to understand the equation. 

Instead, we should be saying, "Follow your wisdom." Wisdom is the whole equation: W=B+H. Wisdom is the brain and the heart, together as one. Listen to them both. Let them talk to each other. Let them help each other. Then, follow your wisdom.

How Could Disney Drop The Ball On Blu-Rey???

Thanks internet, for pickup up Disney's slack.

You've got to be kidding me, Disney. Blu-Ray. Blu-Rey. Rey even wields a blue lightsaber. It's perfect and it's so easy. It's right there, just begging to be used. I'm certainly not the only one to have thought of it; plenty have tweeted #blurey or shared photoshopped blue Reys. It must be noted, however, that I did think it up all on my own because, let's face it, if there's an eye-roll inducing dad-joke pun to be made, you can always count on me. This is certainly one of those. Even toddlers have probably made up Blu-Rey jokes.

So how in Yoda's name could this have slipped by you, Disney? Did you not think of it, or did you decide not to use it? Either way, you're more stupid than the prequels. Okay...maybe not that stupid, but at least as stupid as Greedo for letting Han shoot first. Now, I realize you legally have to print the trademarked Blu-Ray logo on all media, but that doesn't mean you can't also slip in Blu-Rey somewhere. For Vader's sake, you could at least tweet it or facebook it. If Sony stopped you from doing that, then get Luke or Lando to blow up their headquarters because they're surely operating a Death Star.

But if Sony is not responsible for this travesty, then whoever at Disney is needs to be fired immediately. They clearly suck at their job and have let the entire galaxy down. This can not go unpunished. You need to throw a Kylo Ren temper tantrum. Unleash the emo: obliterate a room with your lightsaber and force choke some disposable employees.

Come on, Disney. How hard was this?

What reason could you possibly have? Was your marketing team butthurt that the internet thought of it first? If so, toss those cry-babies into a Sarlaac pit and get some grown-ass bounty hunters on your team. Was it just too easy? There's nothing wrong with making the easy obvious joke. Marketing teams have us gagging all the time, more than Jabba on his death bed, so that's no excuse. Or did you just not like it? Was it too dad-jokey for you? If so, you have even worse judgement than Darth Vader: the man who murdered a bunch of children and all his colleagues, just because he had a bad dream his lover would die and a creepy old man, who clearly wanted to bone him, told him he could stop death if he became his murderous psychopathic apprentice. 

Don't be like that, Disney. You don't want to be compared to the main character from a trilogy all your sane fans have disowned and still pretend doesn't exist, and that ruined the life of its child actor. You're better than that. I know you are. So come on, it's not too late to jump on the Blu-Rey bandwagon. It's never too late to leave the dark side and come back to the light. It's okay, you can do it. There's good in you; I feel it. I believe in you. I promise I'll make sure your helmet doesn't end up in the hands of your whiny grandson. So come on. Come back to us. Throw the Emperor into that pretty rad-looking abyss. 

Happy Blu-Rey Day, and may the force be with you!

Let People Be Happy For You

Normally, the people that care about us are happy for us when good things happen. Sometimes, however, we become that asshole that just won't shut the hell up about it, to the point where our loved ones stop feeling happy for us and instead resent us for it. At some point in our lives, we all do this at least once. Typically, it's a career success, wedding/engagement, achievement of a personal goal, or a new toy, but it can be anything that we feel is significant at the time ("at the time" is key here because the crappier our life is going, the harder we grasp at straws trying to make trivial things significant).

We won't stop talking about it or posting about it on social media. We'll use any flimsy excuse to bring it up in conversation, no matter how unrelated it is. We'll change the subject as soon as we feel it's acceptable, often oblivious that the other parties feel interrupted or cut off. We try to keep reliving the moment as much as we can, and can't help but try to get our loved ones to relive it with us. 

It's only natural. Life is incredibly hard and we're all just a bunch of bumbling idiots stumbling around in total darkness, without night-vision goggles, in search of happiness. We don't really know what we're doing or how to be happy, so we just do the best that we can and whatever we think works at that time. Therefore, when good things happen to us, we tend to hold on as tight as we can for as long as we can. If we let it go, we don't what else to be happy about, so letting go doesn't seem like an option.

If anyone ever expresses their exhaustion and resentment over it, we feel incredibly hurt. "Why aren't they happy for me? I was just trying to share!" The problem, however, is that we're not asking them to be happy for us. If they care about us, then of course they're happy for us. But what we're really asking them is to keep celebrating it. There's a world of difference, even though it often doesn't feel like it at the time.

So what's wrong with that? Every success, achievement, or joy has a shelf life of celebration. They are moments: moments don't last. They come and go. You get your time in the sun, your fifteen minutes of fame, and then it's done. It's over. You have to step aside because it's time for new moments, whether for you or others. People only have a finite amount of enthusiasm and congratulations to give for each moment, and once their tank has run out, that's it, it's empty for good. After that point, continuing to ask them to celebrate with you just makes you seem incredibly selfish and self-centered. They wonder, "Why can't they just get over themselves"? 

The confusing part is that moments all have different shelf lives. The bigger the moment, the longer the celebratory period lasts. A wedding, for instance, will get more than a minor job promotion or a new car. However, there are no explicit rules or guides to reference. We have to figure it out for every new circumstance. Moreover, to make it even more complicated, everyone has a different size of celebration tank, and the size of that tank fluctuates throughout life. If someone is happier, calmer, and more at peace, their tank will be much bigger than someone's who is struggling, depressed, or unhappy. 

Really, the only way to tell when we've reached the limit is by being extraordinarily adept at reading nonverbal cues. Considering the amount of time and practice it can—and probably will—take to get that good, it's not very reliable nor immediately practical.

Ultimately, the true path is to become more wise, peaceful, and genuinely happy so that we can ride the moments of joy and greatness when they come, but then let them go and move on when they are over, instead of desperately clinging on long past their expiration dates. However, this too is an incredibly long-term solution that we may not even succeed at. This whole problem is a result of not achieving that yet.

So what the hell do we do, here and now, in the short-term? Honestly, it's pretty simple: let people be happy for you. Once you're past the announcement and a handful of reminiscings, just stop talking about it. It's definitely going to be really hard; you're going to want so badly to talk or post about it, but resist! The people that love you and care about you will happily bring it up on their own. If they still have fuel left in their celebration tank, they will gladly take the initiative to celebrate more with you. You will get plenty of time in the sun without forcing everyone else to get massive sunburns. Everyone wins. Trust me on this. Just shut up and let people be happy for you.

George Lucas: Unintentional Prophetic Genius

Yes, believe it or not, this is the face of genius.

We all know that George Lucas is both genius and idiot. A genius for his wondrous creativity at coming up with engaging worlds and the basis for stories within them, but an idiot at actually telling those stories his way, without guidance or interference. We're all well aware of that by now, but there's another aspect to his genius—completely unintentional—that hasn't really been addressed: the anthropomorphization of artificial intelligence. 

The droids in Star Wars appear to think, feel, and act like humans. C-3PO screams and cowers in fear, egregiously bungles delicate social interactions despite being programmed for communication and etiquette, and nervously worries about everything. R2-D2 blatantly ignores orders because he thinks he knows better, curses and talks back to pretty much anyone and everyone, and cracks more jokes than Mitch Hedberg. BB-8 regards strangers as creepy selling-candy-from-a-van predators, feels conflicted when put in awkward social situations, and cares about people enough to feel grief.

They have distinct personalities complete with character flaws, intellectual errors, and emotional shortcomings. This is great for story-telling, as instead of some boring mechanical object lifelessly following orders and detachedly communicating, droids are treated as actual characters that we can connect with, be interested in, and feel empathy for. We care about them just as much as we do any of the human or alien characters. And that's precisely why Lucas anthropomorphized them. I don't actually know for certain that's all his intention was, but based on the level of intelligence and critical thinking he has displayed all these years, it's a pretty damn safe bet.

However, treating droids as people isn't only great for us as the audience, it's also unwittingly genius foresight into the future of artificial intelligence. Ever since the concept of A.I. was introduced, we humans have always had some degree of fear and apprehension about it. Love, compassion, and empathy are elements that we instinctually know are essential to our humanity. They bind us, bond us, and protect us. They are what make us human, and what make life worth living.

So anything that doesn't have love, compassion, or empathy scares the hell out of us. After all, what's to stop A.I. from destroying or enslaving us? And even if we don't hold such extreme fears, we still worry how we can really talk to it, understand it, or be understood by it. Cold, unfeeling, uncaring A.I. is something we naturally fear, and perhaps always will.

Therefore, if we look at this in the context of the Star Wars universe, treating it like an actual world with actual people who make actual choices, it's quite a smart move that A.I. there thinks, feels, and acts human. The creators of droids clearly understood the fear that all emotional beings, human or alien, innately have for A.I. They deliberately made droids seem human in order to be palatable. I use "seem" since what exactly makes something human is up for debate, but the droids clearly aren't just putting on a charade. They are fallible. They make mistakes. They act based on their own flawed logic, instinct, and feelings. Just watch any C-3PO and/or R2-D2 scene. For all intents and purposes, they are basically human.

Thus, the people of Star Wars don't instinctually fear droids. Instead, they feel comfortable interacting with them and having them around. Droids feel like people to them, albeit programmable, controllable, disposable slave people, but still people. Some even feel friendship with droids and treat them as such. Of course, droids as conscious, emotional, and real but enslaved people opens up a whole new can of worms, as does the question of the usefulness of highly fallible machines prone to mistakes and conflict, so...let's not go there. One thing at a time. For now, the point is, though artificially created, droids are an organic part of civilization, universally accepted. 

Perhaps that is the key to the success and integration of A.I. into our own real lives, and George Lucas unintentionally stumbled upon it. If this is the case, then let it be known, even if it pains me to say it, that George Lucas is a prophetic genius. Or maybe just a bumbling droid.

   

Cut It Out With Autoplay

Dear Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, ESPN.com, IGN.com, and other video streamers,

Cut it out with autoplay. This has gotten out of hand. When I want to watch something, I'll fucking tell you. I'll deal with each of you in turn as you all fall under two different umbrellas. Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu (hereafter NAH), you guys are long-form content, app-based video streamers. ESPN.com, IGN.com, and your compadres (hereafter Webbies) are short-form content, internet browser-based streamers.

First off, NAH, it's insulting and degrading that you assume we're all just a bunch of lazy and unambitious lowlifes with nothing better to do than endlessly binge episodes. Some of us have goals in life, side projects we're working on, errands and chores to take care of, or other lazy entertainment to attend to (hello PS4, WiiU, live television and sports!). 

Now, to be fair, we all sometimes have days where we do have the time and desire to binge. But, even then, who the hell wants the next episode to immediately start—with no break whatsoever—before the credits are even finished on the one we just watched? Did it not occur to you that maybe I have to use the bathroom, get a snack/drink, respond to a text/email, feed the pet, or make a daily sacrifice to almighty Satan? Hell, it's just not practical. We need breaks, yo!

Sure, I can cancel the autoplay, but I shouldn't have to take action to stop you from doing something. I'm supposed to take action to get you to start doing something. Your entire businesses are built around the concept of giving me choice: watch what I want, when I want. Automatically playing is essentially taking away my choice...the exact opposite of what you're about. Not to mention, do you even know how panic-inducing that brief window to stop autoplay is? You're going to cause the average age of heart-attacks to drastically drop and forever cement a place in medical statistics history. Unless that's your secret evil goal, then bravo, you're killing it. 

And yeah, of course, I'm aware that autoplay can be permanently turned off in account settings, but I shouldn't have to. Autoplay should not be the default, especially when some of you force me log in on a web browser to change that setting, with no option to do so from the app. Dicks.

Also, Netflix, god damn man, you really need to stop autoplaying trailers immediately after log-in or just hovering over a show. I mean...why? Why in god's name would you do that? Do you really want our first interaction every day to be me telling you to stop? That's going to lead to a bitter, nasty relationship. I got enough of that from my ex, so let's not go there, man. And while you're at it, stop autoplaying the next episode underneath the menu when all I've done is click on the show. Mother fucker, I ain't clicked "watch episode xx" yet! What good does it do to have the menu overlaid? That ain't no way to watching something! It just makes no sense. What drugs were you on when you came up with this? You're either autoplaying trailers or the next episode before I'm ready for you to do anything. Take a chill pill and sit yo ass down.

Alright, moving on, now it's your turn, Webbies. You're even worse. Look, just because I click on a link to an article or post, does not mean I want to watch a video. Unless that link is for a video only and clearly marked as such, don't assume I want to watch something. Some of us prefer to just read, so stop making me hit pause. If I want to watch something, it's not that damn hard to hit play, especially when the video is always the first thing on the page. Have some respect for us readers and don't assume we're all illiterate dolts. Plus, even if I do want to watch a video, my momma didn't raise no fool; I'm gonna buffer that shit before letting it play. 

ESPN and IGN, don't even try to pull the "but you can turn it off" crap with me. Yes, I can, but eventually you seem to conveniently forget that I've turned it off, and suddenly videos are autoplaying again. Once again, I have to take negative action and the cycle repeats because you're Evil Dory. Double dicks. Fish dicks in fact!

NAH and Webbies, just cut it out. I want to take positive action to tell you to do something, not negative action to tell you to stop doing something. It's like you're a terrible two-year old I'm constantly scolding. Instead, be a super cool, super hot romantic partner that's my best friend I'm always asking to hang out. Let me love you; don't make me hate you. Please.

Sincerely,

Kevin "Seriously Having My Zen Challenged" Long

3 Days In 1

Costa Rica...or LA?

On Monday, well aware of the stormy weather forecast, I packed up and went for a hike at my usual jam, Mount Wilson in the Angeles Forest. Despite the fact it was going to throw off my whole workout schedule, I had to go. Hiking in the clouds is one my favorite things, and that day was the rare triple whammy I'd been eagerly waiting for since the last time it happened a year ago: clouds, rain, and snow! It can't get any better than that. It's indescribably gorgeous, wondrous to behold, and oh so rare in SoCal, which just makes it even more special. 

Little did I know the head-trip I was in for, feeling like I just experienced three days in one. Good Ol' Mother Nature provided me with a valuable reminder of one of life's important lessons...

Absolutely insane this is in LA's backyard!

Although I've hiked up from "Normal Land" to "Snow Land" and back before, on Monday the conditions and environment changed so drastically throughout the day it felt like I had visited three completely different places on Earth on three completely different days. First up was the rainforest-esque experience of hiking in the fog, clouds, and rain at lower elevation. Covered by lush, wet, green foliage, I could have sworn I was in Costa Rica in the fall rainy season.

Never let it be said Californians don't know what snow is.

It's a bit of Where's Waldo, but I swear there's an observatory in this picture. 

Good thing I've been here many times and know exactly where the trailhead is...

Slowly, however, my surroundings began to transform. Green turned to white, the air thinned, the canopy cover withdrew bit by bit to reveal the sky above, and before I knew it, I was up in the mountains in winter snow. Still mostly in the clouds, there were patches of escape into the sun as I rose above the world. Instead of stepping in mud or over puddles, I was crunching tightly-packed fresh powder under my feet. Instead of drizzles of rain, snowflakes were falling down on me. I could have sworn I was up near my grandpa's cabin in the mountains at the height of winter.

All good snow must come to an end.

Lastly, the descent down eventually brought about the third environment. The snow and ice steadily turned back to water, the clouds faded as I climbed down closer to ground level, and blue edged out its grey neighbor with each passing minute. By the final stretch, the only trace of stormy weather was the sunlight glittering through the leftover raindrops and the gorgeous rainbow following me as I twisted around the pass. The sun and blue sky had taken over, the greenery was returning to its California brown, and soon there was civilization in sight (even if only two cars in a parking lot). I didn't have to swear anymore. I knew right where I was and that reality was real: cold spring in the open SoCal forest. 

I could not reconcile it all in my brain. I felt I had just gone through three separate days in three separate places, but my watch told me it had only been eight hours. How could I have possibly gone through all that in eight hours, and how could I have walked through three vastly different seasons and locations in eight hours? To see such drastic change, you have to drive or fly, right? You just can't go through all that by walking! 

But I had, and it really messed with my head. I can't quite explain the feeling of not believing what you know you just experienced, and believing three days just passed when they hadn't. Is that was doing shrooms is like?

At any rate, it was a great reminder that change can happen quickly and you just have to go with the flow. Each environment was a unique and beautiful experience that I relished with joy, appreciation, and gratitude. But the experiences did not last. The moments passed as nature changed and brought about the next experience, and time marched ever forward. The present is only the present for the briefest of instants, and then it becomes the past. Rinse and repeat. 

Anything and everything in life can change just as quickly as nature. A phone call can bring instant relief and joy with news that you got the job, or sudden shock and grief with news of a loved one's passing. One moment, you're happily in love thinking you might even marry your partner, and the next it's over and you're alone after they dropped the bomb on you. One moment you're a healthy being with no physical problems and the next an accident has left you crippled. 

Not that change is always so dramatic. Change comes in all shapes, sizes and forms. It can be dramatic, mundane, or somewhere in between. Saturday night you're out frolicking with your friends and living it up, and then Sunday morning you're tiredly checking off chores and errands, preparing to trudge through another five days of work. Hmmm...even that sounds a bit dramatic. Even less intense, for a few minutes you're savoring that bacon, and then it's gone and you're baconless for the rest of the day. Or it's as simple as exchanging a smile with a stranger on the sidewalk, never to see them or think about them again as you return to your own thoughts, music, or podcast.

If I were jaded or entitled, I'd have complained it wasn't a double.

Sometimes change is dramatic and alters our life forever, and sometimes it's so small it hardly impacts us at all. Sometimes we get to choose change, and sometimes change is thrust upon us. Yet even when we make choices, those choices depend on ever-changing circumstances beyond our control. I chose to go for that hike when I saw the weather forecast days ahead of time. I chose to alter my own schedule to make room for that joy, but my decision was dependent on nature, which is completley out of my control. I chose that hike, but I didn't choose Monday. Monday chose me. I chose to be in the clouds, rain, and snow, but I didn't choose when they would come and go. They did their thing and I could only appreciate them as long as they were there.

Each and every moment presents us with an opportunity for joy, love, or beauty. Each and every one of those moments will pass and be forever gone as the next moment opens up to us. We make our own choices in life, but we do not control life. We can choose how we ride along, but we can't stop, start, or pause the ride. In order to live life to the fullest, we have to try and stay in the moment and appreciate it while it's there, for it will not last. Nothing does. Everything changes. Roll with it.

Bonus purtty photo!

Bonus bonus purtty photo!

Dear MLS: Change The Schedule Or No More CCL

Yup.
(Credit: Robert Mora)

Once again, MLS teams crashed out of the knockout stages of CONCACAF Champions League (CCL) in absolutely embarrassing style. Surprise, surprise. We all know why: the schedule is awful. MLS teams are in preseason and their usual opponents, Mexico's Liga MX clubs, are in near-peak mid-season form. No team, no matter how great the league, is capable of competing in a big tournament in preseason form. 

It doesn't matter how thoroughly they prepare, their fitness level won't be high enough, their technique will be rusty, and the team chemistry won't have had enough time to gel. When your opponents are almost at their peak, it's game over before the opening whistle even blows. Granted, that's no excuse for getting blown out 4-0 (WTF Galaxy???). Defending shouldn't be THAT bad; that's some Scheißdreck no matter how early in the season.

You said it, Bruce.
(Credit: USA Today Sports)

Regardless, MLS teams can't reasonably be expected to compete under such scheduling. Team budgets have grown and so has the quality of players. More top and middle talent is brought in every year. The talent gap between MLS and Liga MX isn't that wide now, so that really isn't much of a factor anymore. The only thing stopping MLS is the schedule. It must be fixed.

There are two ways to go about this: get CONCACAF to change the CCL schedule to be fairer for both our leagues, or change the MLS schedule to match the rest of world soccer. Considering CONCACAF is in line with the FIFA International Calendar and the rest of the world's club soccer, it seems absurd to ask them to change it for us. The onus to change should be on MLS.

Not being in line with the rest of the world doesn't only hurt us in CCL; it hurts us on the international level, and it hurts our domestic season too since foreign players are coming in on a completely different schedule. It does us no good to be out of sync with the rest of world soccer. It only brings us harm.

Yeah...
(Credit: USA Today Sports)

Yes, I understand the arguments for our schedule. Playing soccer in the winter snow in New York, Boston, and other northern cities would be kinda crazy. But playing in the July heat all over the South is pretty damn crazy too. Either way, there's a couple crappy months. Why not at least be in line with the rest of FIFA? Heck, MLS could even take a cue from the Bundesliga and have a mid-season winter break to avoid the cold misery. 

Whichever way, the schedule must change or MLS will continue to embarrass itself internationally in CCL. MLS can not afford to have its reputation continue to be damaged every year. Although the good word-of-mouth and scuttlebutt for MLS gets better every year as more foreign players come and see how the league really is, and the ever-improving talent gradually raises the level of play, it feels like all that progress for MLS's reputation is nearly undone every year in CCL. For the league to grow to into one of the top leagues, for the league to financially grow to be a powerhouse here at home, and for the league to be able to bring in more and more top talent, its reputation must improve. And it must improve now. 

Therefore, I say to you, MLS and Don Garber, until the schedule changes, no more CCL. Either change your schedule or get CONCACAF to change its schedule, but until either happens, we should not participate in CCL. Too much damage has already been done. Stop the bleeding. We must heal. 

We've seen more than enough of this.
(Credit: Robert Mora)