Ignore the fact that the title of this post sounds like the title of a The Big Bang Theory episode. Not that there's anything wrong with that; I happen to like TBBT and if you're judging me for that, perhaps you should stop spending so much time judging others and more time judging yourself! Oops, that got way off topic. Back to business:
I have observed that when the winter holidays come around, single or newly dating people's romantic emotions tend to get a little out of whack. A crush that would normally be minor and unobtrusive can inflate to straight up bees-knees-crazy-banana-pants. A relationship in the early stages of dating can quickly turn from a slow, sane, naturally moving ferris wheel into a let's-now-fall-in-love-too-soon roller-coaster. Romantic feelings suddenly get heightened, and those that don't have their life partner yet consciously or unconsciously start frantically trying to lock it down. The culprit to blame is the holiday season. After careful and completely unscientific observation, I have dubbed this condition the Holiday Infatuation Exacerbation Effect (hereafter referred to as HIEE). So hi!
Normally, the media is one of the biggest crooks in brainwashing us with horrible ideas about love (tease: this will be the subject of a future blog post!), but surprisingly I think they're just a bit player in this drama. Although there are Christmas films that center around romantic love (see Love Actually, the greatest romantic comedy ever made and that will ever exist), there are plenty of Christmas staples that don't: Home Alone, A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th Street, Christmas Vacation, The Santa Clause, etc. Sure, every single stupid yet charming ABC Family Christmas special revolves around a character denying and then realizing their true love, but that's every ABC Family special anyway and they aren't exactly holding sway over the social consciousness at large. Entertainment and media communicate a little bit that romantic love is supposed to be a part of the holidays, but not enough to explain the phenomenon.
The head honcho of HIEE is just the nature of the holidays; romantic love is built into the culture of winter holidays. While the primary message is that it's a time to spend with family, what is the cornerstone of family? Parents: romantic life partners. When you're a kid, you can just spend time with your parents, siblings, grandparents, and extended family without a second thought. But sometime after puberty and into adulthood, you can't help but consciously or subconsciously think about making your own family. Whether you want kids or not, at the very least you will desire a romantic life partner (and anyone who claims they don't at all desire that is either a liar-liar-pants-on-fire or in serious denial and in dire need of self awareness). The older you get, the bigger this inclination or desire becomes. You just can't help it; the clock is ticking and time is slowly running out. The more you see your family, friends, and colleagues find love and make their own families, the more you feel that you should have it and need to have it. You can talk to yourself with logic and reason all you want, but the heart just wants some love, man! There is no escape from HIEE.
So what to do? Well, that's the part I'm still working on. Now that we have defined HIEE, we can work on ways to counteract it. I've a got a few ideas we can all try out: If you feel the effects on yourself, you gotta do something to yank yourself down from the clouds and back to earth. When in the heat of the moment, give yourself a little slap to the face. If anyone wonders what the heck you're doing, just say you were swatting a fly. If they ask how there could possibly be a fly inside in winter, slap them and just walk away. Or keep a spray bottle around and sprits yourself like you're a misbehaving cat. But unlike a cat, learn from the experience and don't just give everyone death stares while you continue passive aggressive behavior. Or you just ignore reason and sanity and go for it; let the dice roll and see what craps happens.
Whatever you do around the holiday season, just be aware of the Holiday Infatuation Exacerbation Effect. Whatever actions you take in your own romantic life, just be prepared to live with the consequences. If you observe a loved one suffering from HIEE, let them do their thing...unless they're about to do something massively stupid and pathetic. Then maybe stop them...eh...on second thought, they'll just be pissed at you and bitter about it. Let them be stupid and learn from their mistake...if they ever learn. Eh, whatever. Let's all just eat, drink, and be merry and let the romantic stupidities fly!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
A Toddler Survival Guide For The Extremely Sleep Deprived
As adults in modern society, we are all familiar with sleep deprivation. It's pretty much a normal part of our lives whether it's rare, occasional, or constant. We've all learned to deal with it and function as best we can under moderate sleep deprivation. But then there are those rare cases of extreme sleep deprivation: the kind that only comes under the deadly combo of severe life/work exhaustion and accumulated days/weeks of sleep deprivation. You know it's extreme when all you can think of is how badly you want to sleep, feel like crying all day, and can barely function as a human being including basic needs such as eating. When you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation, there is no cure or aid but sleep.
Unfortunately, for parents and babysitters, there come times when you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation and find yourself alone and solely responsible for a toddler. That toddler is going to wake up way too early and there's nothing you can do about it. You have no choice but to stay awake and there will be no respite until naptime. Only then can you find a brief and glorious reprieve from your woes. In order to help us all, I've decided to write a survival guide based on my own experience. There are seven steps because, ya know, it's the strongest magical number. If it worked for Voldycakes...
Step 1: Cry
If you're a parent, wake up a few minutes before your toddler and cry. If you're a babysitter, cry on the drive over. You're so tired you don't just want to cry, you NEED to cry. And you can't do it front of the toddler, so do it before toddler madness begins. Cry hard. It's okay. Listen to Elsa and let it go!
Step 2: Caffeinate
You have no hope of survival without your good and dear friend, caffeine. Even if it's against your diet or moral code, cheat today. If you do not, you will lose your damn mind. Or you might fall asleep, and if you fall asleep during toddler madness, you will probably awake to find the walls covered in permanent marker, a poop explosion all over your nicest stuff, your phone unbelievably unlocked by the toddler with an "I mith you" text somehow sent to your ex, etc... The possibilities are nearly endless, but all disastrous. You must stay awake!
Step 3: Know What Kind of Tired Person You Are
There are two kinds of tired people: those that need to be as lazy as possible and those that need to be as active as possible in order to make it through the day. It's absolutely crucial you know which you are if you are to make it to naptime. If you are the lazy type, see Step 4A. If you are the active type, see step 4B.
Step 4A: Enlist the Help of Friends
No, I'm not talking about real live people. You are alone. But you do have Netflix, blu-rays, Hulu, cable tv, etc. Who cares if it rots their brain? They are your only hope of keeping the toddler quietly occupied so you can lazily sit on the couch and use the minimal amount of energy possible. Just don't forget to laugh or comment once in awhile so they think you're engaged with them. Otherwise they'll be onto you; gotta keep them off the trail!
Step 4B: Get Out and Move Like the Wind
If you need to stay active, you had better get to a park or playground and move your ass like you're being chased by mother fucking velociraptors. Play a game in your head: pretend you're in the bus from "Speed." If you don't stop moving, you will explode. And you don't want to explode; you want to survive to have sex with Sandra Bullock.
Step 5: Do Not Look at a Clock
Under no circumstances should you ever look at a clock. Time will never pass more slowly in your whole entire life. Looking at the clock will only a) make it pass more slowly, and b) torment you and send you further down the spiral knowing how much longer you have to go. Obviously you have to know when it's lunchtime, so set an alarm on your phone. Do not look at a clock. Stay strong!
Step 6: Cry Again
At some point, the caffeine is going to start to wear off and you will know you have two choices: a) continue caffeinating all day knowing it will probably foil your attempts to finally sleep at naptime/night or b) stop caffeinating and try to tough it out, knowing you might not make it and will be absolutely miserable. No matter what you choose, you know it's a lose/lose situation. All you can do is cry on the inside.
Step 7: Remember Your Love
You're so tired you can barely function and can't even think straight. Toddlers can be obnoxious even when you are well rested and in good spirits. Under these circumstances, it's inevitable that at some point you're going to want to rip their head from their spine. Stay calm, breathe, and remember that each and every day with your toddler is precious. They grow up so fast and every day is an opportunity to enjoy unique experiences (even if they do the same crap again and again). And most importantly, you love the little tyke. That love is really what's going to get you through the day and put up with whatever annoyances or problems occur. When you operate out of place of pure love, you can't go wrong. So feel the love and good luck!
Unfortunately, for parents and babysitters, there come times when you're suffering from extreme sleep deprivation and find yourself alone and solely responsible for a toddler. That toddler is going to wake up way too early and there's nothing you can do about it. You have no choice but to stay awake and there will be no respite until naptime. Only then can you find a brief and glorious reprieve from your woes. In order to help us all, I've decided to write a survival guide based on my own experience. There are seven steps because, ya know, it's the strongest magical number. If it worked for Voldycakes...
Step 1: Cry
If you're a parent, wake up a few minutes before your toddler and cry. If you're a babysitter, cry on the drive over. You're so tired you don't just want to cry, you NEED to cry. And you can't do it front of the toddler, so do it before toddler madness begins. Cry hard. It's okay. Listen to Elsa and let it go!
Step 2: Caffeinate
You have no hope of survival without your good and dear friend, caffeine. Even if it's against your diet or moral code, cheat today. If you do not, you will lose your damn mind. Or you might fall asleep, and if you fall asleep during toddler madness, you will probably awake to find the walls covered in permanent marker, a poop explosion all over your nicest stuff, your phone unbelievably unlocked by the toddler with an "I mith you" text somehow sent to your ex, etc... The possibilities are nearly endless, but all disastrous. You must stay awake!
Step 3: Know What Kind of Tired Person You Are
There are two kinds of tired people: those that need to be as lazy as possible and those that need to be as active as possible in order to make it through the day. It's absolutely crucial you know which you are if you are to make it to naptime. If you are the lazy type, see Step 4A. If you are the active type, see step 4B.
Step 4A: Enlist the Help of Friends
No, I'm not talking about real live people. You are alone. But you do have Netflix, blu-rays, Hulu, cable tv, etc. Who cares if it rots their brain? They are your only hope of keeping the toddler quietly occupied so you can lazily sit on the couch and use the minimal amount of energy possible. Just don't forget to laugh or comment once in awhile so they think you're engaged with them. Otherwise they'll be onto you; gotta keep them off the trail!
Step 4B: Get Out and Move Like the Wind
If you need to stay active, you had better get to a park or playground and move your ass like you're being chased by mother fucking velociraptors. Play a game in your head: pretend you're in the bus from "Speed." If you don't stop moving, you will explode. And you don't want to explode; you want to survive to have sex with Sandra Bullock.
Step 5: Do Not Look at a Clock
Under no circumstances should you ever look at a clock. Time will never pass more slowly in your whole entire life. Looking at the clock will only a) make it pass more slowly, and b) torment you and send you further down the spiral knowing how much longer you have to go. Obviously you have to know when it's lunchtime, so set an alarm on your phone. Do not look at a clock. Stay strong!
Step 6: Cry Again
At some point, the caffeine is going to start to wear off and you will know you have two choices: a) continue caffeinating all day knowing it will probably foil your attempts to finally sleep at naptime/night or b) stop caffeinating and try to tough it out, knowing you might not make it and will be absolutely miserable. No matter what you choose, you know it's a lose/lose situation. All you can do is cry on the inside.
Step 7: Remember Your Love
You're so tired you can barely function and can't even think straight. Toddlers can be obnoxious even when you are well rested and in good spirits. Under these circumstances, it's inevitable that at some point you're going to want to rip their head from their spine. Stay calm, breathe, and remember that each and every day with your toddler is precious. They grow up so fast and every day is an opportunity to enjoy unique experiences (even if they do the same crap again and again). And most importantly, you love the little tyke. That love is really what's going to get you through the day and put up with whatever annoyances or problems occur. When you operate out of place of pure love, you can't go wrong. So feel the love and good luck!
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Please, No More Jurassic Park Movies. Please!
Sigh...why, Hollywood? Why do you insist on making more Jurassic Park movies? Wait, that's a stupid question. Money, of course. Nevermind. Let's start over. Sigh...why, my good and dear friends, are you excited and supportive of yet another Jurassic Park movie? It's completely and utterly pointless.
Don't get me wrong; "Jurassic Park" is a great film, and it's out of love and respect for it that I piss all over sequels. The first film is a great work of science fiction that at its core is thoughtful social commentary. The moral of the film is that mankind can be hella arrogant and screw around with shit we shouldn't be screwing around with (especially for silly reasons), and the consequences can be fatal. Drop the mic, Spielberg. End of story. Wham bam, thank you, ma'am. There was nothing left to be said.
I'm not opposed to sequels in general. Sign me right the fuck up for a lifetime of Fast & Furious sequels. But vapid sequels to smart films that actually had something to say is an egregious offense. Unless you have something new to say with the sequel, just stop. The original Planet of the Apes films are a good example of sequels done right. They are obviously cash grab attempts, but each film is different and actually has something new to add to the conversation and provoke more thought (even if they do get a bit silly). Boom, great marriage of business and art.
I can understand one sequel to JP showing that mankind just doesn't learn sometimes and repeats mistakes. I get it; you get a pass for that. You do not, however, get a pass for the mind-boggling stupidity of a T-Rex running around San Diego. Seriously, WTF? But back to topic: the third film has no valid reason for existing. It's just an excuse to watch dinosaurs do dinosaur shit. You don't need the JP label for that; just make a mindless dinosaur action/chase movie and market it as such. Luring audiences in with the mark of a thoughtful film, but giving them shlock is some bullshit.
And the sad thing is, we have collectively proved that we are stupid and will pay for such crap. So Hollywood will keep on making them, and keep on pissing on the good names of great films. So I'm pleading with you all, don't give in. We all vote with our wallets. If we stop paying for this crap, they'll stop making it. Hollywood only makes so many movies; when enough of us support trashy sequels, it means less good options for us all.
I highly doubt "Jurassic World" has anything new to contribute. Hell, it looks like it's pretty much the same damn movie as the original, just with cosmetic repackaging. A bunch of innocent people are lured to the island, dangerous dinosaurs get loose thanks to mankind's idiocy, chaos ensues and shit pretty much gets fucked right up. If the moral premise is the same as the first, we've already seen that and there is no reason for this film to exist. Also, Chris Pratt looks like an amalgamation of Grant and Muldoon. I'm not the only one who thought that, right? Jesus, they couldn't even think of original characters! Everything looks like recycled material from the original. I'm all for getting Chris Pratt as many roles as possible, but put him in good films for fuck's sake. He deserves it!
At the end of the day, everyone has the right to watch what they want and like what they like. If you're excited about it, power to you. But please, just ask yourself, are you genuinely excited about it, or is your nostalgia being taken advantage of? Are you so preoccupied with whether or not you can see more Jurassic Park that you aren't stopping to think if you should?
If I'm wrong and "Jurassic World" does turn out to be a thoughtful science fiction film, I will gladly eat my humble pie (pumpkin, apple, or pecan please!). I'll totally get down on some valid and deserving JP. I just don't think that's what this is going to be. If I'm right, then "Jurassic World" should get eaten by a T-Rex while taking a shit.
Don't get me wrong; "Jurassic Park" is a great film, and it's out of love and respect for it that I piss all over sequels. The first film is a great work of science fiction that at its core is thoughtful social commentary. The moral of the film is that mankind can be hella arrogant and screw around with shit we shouldn't be screwing around with (especially for silly reasons), and the consequences can be fatal. Drop the mic, Spielberg. End of story. Wham bam, thank you, ma'am. There was nothing left to be said.
I'm not opposed to sequels in general. Sign me right the fuck up for a lifetime of Fast & Furious sequels. But vapid sequels to smart films that actually had something to say is an egregious offense. Unless you have something new to say with the sequel, just stop. The original Planet of the Apes films are a good example of sequels done right. They are obviously cash grab attempts, but each film is different and actually has something new to add to the conversation and provoke more thought (even if they do get a bit silly). Boom, great marriage of business and art.
I can understand one sequel to JP showing that mankind just doesn't learn sometimes and repeats mistakes. I get it; you get a pass for that. You do not, however, get a pass for the mind-boggling stupidity of a T-Rex running around San Diego. Seriously, WTF? But back to topic: the third film has no valid reason for existing. It's just an excuse to watch dinosaurs do dinosaur shit. You don't need the JP label for that; just make a mindless dinosaur action/chase movie and market it as such. Luring audiences in with the mark of a thoughtful film, but giving them shlock is some bullshit.
And the sad thing is, we have collectively proved that we are stupid and will pay for such crap. So Hollywood will keep on making them, and keep on pissing on the good names of great films. So I'm pleading with you all, don't give in. We all vote with our wallets. If we stop paying for this crap, they'll stop making it. Hollywood only makes so many movies; when enough of us support trashy sequels, it means less good options for us all.
I highly doubt "Jurassic World" has anything new to contribute. Hell, it looks like it's pretty much the same damn movie as the original, just with cosmetic repackaging. A bunch of innocent people are lured to the island, dangerous dinosaurs get loose thanks to mankind's idiocy, chaos ensues and shit pretty much gets fucked right up. If the moral premise is the same as the first, we've already seen that and there is no reason for this film to exist. Also, Chris Pratt looks like an amalgamation of Grant and Muldoon. I'm not the only one who thought that, right? Jesus, they couldn't even think of original characters! Everything looks like recycled material from the original. I'm all for getting Chris Pratt as many roles as possible, but put him in good films for fuck's sake. He deserves it!
At the end of the day, everyone has the right to watch what they want and like what they like. If you're excited about it, power to you. But please, just ask yourself, are you genuinely excited about it, or is your nostalgia being taken advantage of? Are you so preoccupied with whether or not you can see more Jurassic Park that you aren't stopping to think if you should?
If I'm wrong and "Jurassic World" does turn out to be a thoughtful science fiction film, I will gladly eat my humble pie (pumpkin, apple, or pecan please!). I'll totally get down on some valid and deserving JP. I just don't think that's what this is going to be. If I'm right, then "Jurassic World" should get eaten by a T-Rex while taking a shit.
Friday, November 14, 2014
We Know It's Not That Cold; Shut Up
It's that time of year again: leaves changing color and then falling, costumes and trick or treating, turkey and pumpkin pie, beautiful white powder delicately decorating the land, spiced lattes, Uggs on seemingly every female pair of feet...it's fall and soon to be winter! Well, in some parts of the country at least. Some places have real fall and winter, and other places (*cough* Southern California) just don't. In other places, the temperature drops 10°, the trees kinda sorta die, the grass defiantly gives winter the middle finger and keeps on living, but everyone acts like winter has finally come to Westeros, complete with White Walkers fucking shit up.
That means it's the time of year for the clearly superior race of humans that live in real cold climates to mock and be hostile towards the clearly inferior race of wimpy humans that don't know what real cold is. Now, there are those that think 60° is legitimately freezing and fear they will actually turn into a popsicle (usually wearing Uggs). Those people really are stupid and should probably be mocked (especially if they're wearing Uggs). And I understand the eye rolling at people who complain about how cold it is when it's so nice they could be playing beach volleyball while you are snowed in or dodging icicles of death. I get it; as an Angelino, I have to seriously restrain myself from yelling "you don't even know what real traffic is" whenever Texans complain about traffic on Facebook. But I try to restrain myself (key word is "try") because I don't want to be that asshole. It's rude an obnoxious. So resist going all Bane with your "you merely adopted the cold, I was born into it, molded by it, blah blah blah" nonsense in that annoying high-pitched voice that was an unbelievably idiotic "character choice."
Regardless, this isn't really what I'm talking about. This is more about being dicks when people are excited about what passes as our pathetic excuses for fall and winter. Look, we're not stupid; we know it's not that cold. Most of us have lived in or visited a truly cold place before. We know we don't have real seasons. We know that you have to deal with real cold and crazy road conditions. We know that you have it worse than us. We know, we know, WE KNOW! So what's up with us? We just want to be a part of the action. We just want a little taste. We want to pretend that we have seasons because seasons are awesome! It is genuinely disappointing and a little bit depressing to not have them.
Seasons bring a change of pace to life and keep it moving forward. Seasons keep life from feeling too stagnant or stale. They also bring new joys and adventures. The leaves turning red and orange bring excited tidings of Halloween costumes and candy. The chill winds carry a whiff of Turkey, pumpkin pie, and family/friend bonding over Thanksgiving. The first signs of snow remind us the merry holiday is coming to town. There are all the awesome fall and winter adventures: apple picking, dangerously rocketing down snowy slopes on shoddy sleds or inner-tubes, making snow angels, pushing people in leaf piles and laughing maniacally, etc. Seasons bring so many wonderful things that it sucks when you don't get that. It sucks when you have to see people's photos amongst the gorgeous red and orange leaves. It sucks when you when you see status updates about frolicking in the snow and you can't even remember the last time you saw snow with your own eyes. Even chores, like raking leaves and plowing snow, that are mundane and obnoxious to you seem charming to us. It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it all just kinda sucks a bit. It's no wonder Westeros is such a fucked up place full of fucked up people: their seasons last 10 crazy ass years!
And yes, we know that living in our climate has its advantages. Not having to worry about ever being snowed in, being able to play outdoors any day of the year, not having to worry about scary road conditions, etc. Yes, we have many awesome advantages and we appreciate them. We really do. But that also means there are disadvantages, and it's hard not to be jealous or forlorn when we see what we don't have shoved in our face all the time via social media.
Deep down, we know it's not cold and that we don't really have fall or winter. It's a little sad and disappointing every single year. So when we pretend that's it cold, we know better. We just desperately want it to be fall and winter so we can join in the fun. So don't be that guy; don't be an asshole. Just shut up and let us into your party. Don't be the schoolyard bully that mocks the weird kid and makes him go home crying. Be the cool kid that invites that weird kid to join your game and makes him feel welcome. Let us have our pumpkin and peppermint dreams!
That means it's the time of year for the clearly superior race of humans that live in real cold climates to mock and be hostile towards the clearly inferior race of wimpy humans that don't know what real cold is. Now, there are those that think 60° is legitimately freezing and fear they will actually turn into a popsicle (usually wearing Uggs). Those people really are stupid and should probably be mocked (especially if they're wearing Uggs). And I understand the eye rolling at people who complain about how cold it is when it's so nice they could be playing beach volleyball while you are snowed in or dodging icicles of death. I get it; as an Angelino, I have to seriously restrain myself from yelling "you don't even know what real traffic is" whenever Texans complain about traffic on Facebook. But I try to restrain myself (key word is "try") because I don't want to be that asshole. It's rude an obnoxious. So resist going all Bane with your "you merely adopted the cold, I was born into it, molded by it, blah blah blah" nonsense in that annoying high-pitched voice that was an unbelievably idiotic "character choice."
Regardless, this isn't really what I'm talking about. This is more about being dicks when people are excited about what passes as our pathetic excuses for fall and winter. Look, we're not stupid; we know it's not that cold. Most of us have lived in or visited a truly cold place before. We know we don't have real seasons. We know that you have to deal with real cold and crazy road conditions. We know that you have it worse than us. We know, we know, WE KNOW! So what's up with us? We just want to be a part of the action. We just want a little taste. We want to pretend that we have seasons because seasons are awesome! It is genuinely disappointing and a little bit depressing to not have them.
Seasons bring a change of pace to life and keep it moving forward. Seasons keep life from feeling too stagnant or stale. They also bring new joys and adventures. The leaves turning red and orange bring excited tidings of Halloween costumes and candy. The chill winds carry a whiff of Turkey, pumpkin pie, and family/friend bonding over Thanksgiving. The first signs of snow remind us the merry holiday is coming to town. There are all the awesome fall and winter adventures: apple picking, dangerously rocketing down snowy slopes on shoddy sleds or inner-tubes, making snow angels, pushing people in leaf piles and laughing maniacally, etc. Seasons bring so many wonderful things that it sucks when you don't get that. It sucks when you have to see people's photos amongst the gorgeous red and orange leaves. It sucks when you when you see status updates about frolicking in the snow and you can't even remember the last time you saw snow with your own eyes. Even chores, like raking leaves and plowing snow, that are mundane and obnoxious to you seem charming to us. It's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but it all just kinda sucks a bit. It's no wonder Westeros is such a fucked up place full of fucked up people: their seasons last 10 crazy ass years!
And yes, we know that living in our climate has its advantages. Not having to worry about ever being snowed in, being able to play outdoors any day of the year, not having to worry about scary road conditions, etc. Yes, we have many awesome advantages and we appreciate them. We really do. But that also means there are disadvantages, and it's hard not to be jealous or forlorn when we see what we don't have shoved in our face all the time via social media.
Deep down, we know it's not cold and that we don't really have fall or winter. It's a little sad and disappointing every single year. So when we pretend that's it cold, we know better. We just desperately want it to be fall and winter so we can join in the fun. So don't be that guy; don't be an asshole. Just shut up and let us into your party. Don't be the schoolyard bully that mocks the weird kid and makes him go home crying. Be the cool kid that invites that weird kid to join your game and makes him feel welcome. Let us have our pumpkin and peppermint dreams!
Friday, November 7, 2014
Punch Someone In The Face If They Celebrate Christmas Too Early
This is is not an "I hate Christmas" rant. Actually, I love Christmas (and "Love Actually," actually). It's a wonderful season: the decorations, music, loving spirit, time with family and friends, movies and tv specials, pretending it's winter in SoCal...it's all great. Well, it's only great when it's special. And to be special, it has to be long enough to enjoy but brief enough to not wear out. We had it all figured it out once upon a time: one glorious month starting after Thanksgiving. For awhile we lived in perfect winter wonderland utopia (minus the stress of finding and buying gifts of course).
Then the retailers and Christmas junkies ruined it for us all. Now, Christmas season apparently starts after Halloween, and Thanksgiving is simply a day for rioting in Walmart. I've tried for years to brush it off by pretending that other people can't ruin Christmas for the rest of us by starting too early. That's their prerogative, right? Wrong. Having it shoved in your face by stores, radio, and your fellow man does ruin it for the rest of us. Having it exist longer than it should takes away the wonder and specialness for everyone because you can't escape it for that whole extra month. "Here comes Santa Clause" blaring in your ear drums uninvited, dodging tinsel in the aisles, holiday commercials assaulting you with no warning, sales flooding your inbox, peppermint lattes shoved down your throat...THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!!
I, and many other good citizens, have tried for years to use reason, logic, and peaceful pleas to end this madness. Well, it isn't working. The retailers and junkies are only getting worse. We can't directly stop the retailers as capitalism will run its course. All we can do is stop the junkies from caving in early to the retailers and radio stations. Peaceful solutions are no longer an option; they will not work.
Therefore, I call upon you all to bravely take a stand! If you catch someone celebrating Christmas too early, there's only one thing you can do: punch them in the fucking face. It's the only way they'll learn. So please, for the good of the entire world, be brave and true!
Here comes Kevin Long, and his brave army
All up in your damn face.
Uppercut, back punch, maybe a right hook
Punching you in the face!
Ears are ringing, vision blurring,
All is righteous and just.
Shut your damn mouth and say a prayer
Cause Kevin's Army comes tonight!
Then the retailers and Christmas junkies ruined it for us all. Now, Christmas season apparently starts after Halloween, and Thanksgiving is simply a day for rioting in Walmart. I've tried for years to brush it off by pretending that other people can't ruin Christmas for the rest of us by starting too early. That's their prerogative, right? Wrong. Having it shoved in your face by stores, radio, and your fellow man does ruin it for the rest of us. Having it exist longer than it should takes away the wonder and specialness for everyone because you can't escape it for that whole extra month. "Here comes Santa Clause" blaring in your ear drums uninvited, dodging tinsel in the aisles, holiday commercials assaulting you with no warning, sales flooding your inbox, peppermint lattes shoved down your throat...THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!!
I, and many other good citizens, have tried for years to use reason, logic, and peaceful pleas to end this madness. Well, it isn't working. The retailers and junkies are only getting worse. We can't directly stop the retailers as capitalism will run its course. All we can do is stop the junkies from caving in early to the retailers and radio stations. Peaceful solutions are no longer an option; they will not work.
Therefore, I call upon you all to bravely take a stand! If you catch someone celebrating Christmas too early, there's only one thing you can do: punch them in the fucking face. It's the only way they'll learn. So please, for the good of the entire world, be brave and true!
Here comes Kevin Long, and his brave army
All up in your damn face.
Uppercut, back punch, maybe a right hook
Punching you in the face!
Ears are ringing, vision blurring,
All is righteous and just.
Shut your damn mouth and say a prayer
Cause Kevin's Army comes tonight!
Friday, October 31, 2014
Kubrick's "The Shining" Is Overrated
(SPOILER ALERT! Goes without saying for film spoilers, but big novel spoilers as well)
Before you start throwing tomatoes at me, or rocks, or drunkenly break my arm because I messed up your papers, let me assure you: I don't think "The Shining" is a bad movie. It has a lot of things going for it. In fact, I think it has some of the most incredible atmosphere ever for a horror movie. The atmosphere is so good that, when I was first exposed to it briefly as kid in its cameo drive-in theater appearance in "Twister," I had no clue what that movie was but I knew I really really really wanted to see it. It also has one of the best trailers ever made (but that's a subject for another day). So what's my problem with it? It does not live up to its potential given the source material of its novel.
Now don't get me wrong; this is not a cliche "the book was better" whine. Films and books are completely different mediums and changes must always be made in an adaptation. This isn't about that. In fact, I think that in some ways the film improved on the book (at least for it's form as a film). It is definitely creepier, it's efficient where the book sometimes dragged on and took too much time, it introduced some scary ass motha fuckas that weren't at all in the book or improved upon them, and having Hallorann killed as soon as he comes to save the day was fucking brilliant. What it doesn't have that the book has oodles of: character.
In the film, Jack is already on the edge and looks ready to crack form the get-go. Dude just seems crazy underneath the attempting-to-be-calm-and-happy exterior. It's the Jack Nicholson effect. The film-only reveal that all he wrote since the beginning was "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" blatantly shows he was a screw loose the entire film. Hell, he doesn't even seem to really care that much about his family. Wendy is nothing more than a meek victim who cowers in various states of fear the whole film and seems to be waiting for Jack to go off the deep end and murder everyone in sight. If this were original material, there probably wouldn't be anything wrong with this. But it's not. It's based off a novel that has real, believable, honest-to-god characters with interesting arcs!
In the novel, Jack is definitely troubled, but he's not on the edge of a cliff. The whole novel is really about alcoholism. He's a recovering alcoholic who has messed up a few times and accidentally hurt his son, but he truly regrets it, loves his family, and is doing his best to be better. And he is doing better; it takes a lot of damn pages for the hotel to finally dig its claws into him and overwhelm him. When that does it happen, it's all the more tragic because if it weren't for the creepy power of the evil hotel, he might have succeeded in turning things around. Isn't it scarier to see someone make a big progression and leap into madness than someone who already seems mad to begin with?
Moreover, in the novel, Wendy is certainly not a meek victim. She's taken some emotional punches for sure, but she does not roll over and cower in fright on ever fucking page. She stands up to Jack, they argue, they fight, they connect and make love, she challenges him and questions him, she doubts him but still makes efforts to support him, sometimes she hates him and sometimes she loves him...it's complicated, as it should be dealing with a real marriage and alcoholism. So when Jack is finally overtaken by the evil, it's more tragic and heartbreaking for her, and our terror as an audience heightens to full potential as terror finally falls upon her and all hope for her husband destroyed. It's a much bigger sucker-punch.
Lastly, the film completely leaves out the emotional climax and crux of Jack's character arc. In the film, Danny outwits his dad in the maze and Jack freezes to death. It's not inherently bad, because it makes Danny an active protagonist. Yet, once again, because the source material provided actual fucking character, it's a huge misstep. In the novel, much ado is made about the boiler all throughout the story. That's primarily why Jack is there: to maintain the boiler or it will explode. And that's just what happens in the novel. Once Jack descends into madness, the boiler is forgotten. Right before he's about to kill his son, Jack attempts to take his own life for the good of everyone before the demons overtake him and destroy the last of his heart and soul, taking over his body. But Danny smartly reminds him/them that they forgot the boiler. Jack and the demons make haste to fix the boiler but it's too late. Boom! End of Jack and the evil hotel demons. It makes Jack a real fucking character and Danny STILL is an active protagonist who saves his own skin. And it stays true to the boiler premise set up at the beginning of the story. Why the fucking fuck in all fucking bloody fucking hell would you strip that down?
Once again, I will say the film isn't bad. If it was a completely original piece, I'd think much higher of it because it is creepy as hell and very memorable. Some day I may watch it again. However, it fails to mine the source material and reach it's highest potential. Kubrick had a chance to make a creepy and character-driven film, but he just went with creepy. It's a lazy copout; he avoided the challenge. I find that unacceptable and it's a crime to consider this one of the greats of all time in light of that. It could have been so much more!
Before you start throwing tomatoes at me, or rocks, or drunkenly break my arm because I messed up your papers, let me assure you: I don't think "The Shining" is a bad movie. It has a lot of things going for it. In fact, I think it has some of the most incredible atmosphere ever for a horror movie. The atmosphere is so good that, when I was first exposed to it briefly as kid in its cameo drive-in theater appearance in "Twister," I had no clue what that movie was but I knew I really really really wanted to see it. It also has one of the best trailers ever made (but that's a subject for another day). So what's my problem with it? It does not live up to its potential given the source material of its novel.
Now don't get me wrong; this is not a cliche "the book was better" whine. Films and books are completely different mediums and changes must always be made in an adaptation. This isn't about that. In fact, I think that in some ways the film improved on the book (at least for it's form as a film). It is definitely creepier, it's efficient where the book sometimes dragged on and took too much time, it introduced some scary ass motha fuckas that weren't at all in the book or improved upon them, and having Hallorann killed as soon as he comes to save the day was fucking brilliant. What it doesn't have that the book has oodles of: character.
In the film, Jack is already on the edge and looks ready to crack form the get-go. Dude just seems crazy underneath the attempting-to-be-calm-and-happy exterior. It's the Jack Nicholson effect. The film-only reveal that all he wrote since the beginning was "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" blatantly shows he was a screw loose the entire film. Hell, he doesn't even seem to really care that much about his family. Wendy is nothing more than a meek victim who cowers in various states of fear the whole film and seems to be waiting for Jack to go off the deep end and murder everyone in sight. If this were original material, there probably wouldn't be anything wrong with this. But it's not. It's based off a novel that has real, believable, honest-to-god characters with interesting arcs!
In the novel, Jack is definitely troubled, but he's not on the edge of a cliff. The whole novel is really about alcoholism. He's a recovering alcoholic who has messed up a few times and accidentally hurt his son, but he truly regrets it, loves his family, and is doing his best to be better. And he is doing better; it takes a lot of damn pages for the hotel to finally dig its claws into him and overwhelm him. When that does it happen, it's all the more tragic because if it weren't for the creepy power of the evil hotel, he might have succeeded in turning things around. Isn't it scarier to see someone make a big progression and leap into madness than someone who already seems mad to begin with?
Moreover, in the novel, Wendy is certainly not a meek victim. She's taken some emotional punches for sure, but she does not roll over and cower in fright on ever fucking page. She stands up to Jack, they argue, they fight, they connect and make love, she challenges him and questions him, she doubts him but still makes efforts to support him, sometimes she hates him and sometimes she loves him...it's complicated, as it should be dealing with a real marriage and alcoholism. So when Jack is finally overtaken by the evil, it's more tragic and heartbreaking for her, and our terror as an audience heightens to full potential as terror finally falls upon her and all hope for her husband destroyed. It's a much bigger sucker-punch.
Lastly, the film completely leaves out the emotional climax and crux of Jack's character arc. In the film, Danny outwits his dad in the maze and Jack freezes to death. It's not inherently bad, because it makes Danny an active protagonist. Yet, once again, because the source material provided actual fucking character, it's a huge misstep. In the novel, much ado is made about the boiler all throughout the story. That's primarily why Jack is there: to maintain the boiler or it will explode. And that's just what happens in the novel. Once Jack descends into madness, the boiler is forgotten. Right before he's about to kill his son, Jack attempts to take his own life for the good of everyone before the demons overtake him and destroy the last of his heart and soul, taking over his body. But Danny smartly reminds him/them that they forgot the boiler. Jack and the demons make haste to fix the boiler but it's too late. Boom! End of Jack and the evil hotel demons. It makes Jack a real fucking character and Danny STILL is an active protagonist who saves his own skin. And it stays true to the boiler premise set up at the beginning of the story. Why the fucking fuck in all fucking bloody fucking hell would you strip that down?
Once again, I will say the film isn't bad. If it was a completely original piece, I'd think much higher of it because it is creepy as hell and very memorable. Some day I may watch it again. However, it fails to mine the source material and reach it's highest potential. Kubrick had a chance to make a creepy and character-driven film, but he just went with creepy. It's a lazy copout; he avoided the challenge. I find that unacceptable and it's a crime to consider this one of the greats of all time in light of that. It could have been so much more!
Friday, October 24, 2014
Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 6)
This is it. That last of my SBTB observations. It's been fun, and if you're still reading, thanks! And don't worry, my list of worst and best SBTB moments will be coming soon to close this journey out.
The Wedding in Vegas is Just Weird
It's off. It's weird. It doesn't feel right. The actors are clearly older now, they all have new stupid haircuts, it's lit like a tv movie instead of a flat sit-com, we see the exterior of Bayside for the first time, Zack's house is completely different, Gilbert Gottfried is there, the actors seem to have checked out...it just feels...weird. Sure, there's the typical SBTB shenanigans: Zack scheming, Screech being an idiot, Lisa being shallow, Belding being Belding, Kelly is a boring blank, Slater meets a new mate, and there's a ridiculous plot entanglement (oh gosh the mob!). On paper, it should be Saved by the Bell; in reality, it feels like a creepy robot trying to imitate SBTB but subtly malfunctions.
The strangest part is the Jessie Spano cameo. It's well-known now that she was absent from most of the movie because Elizabeth Berkley was in Vegas filming "Showgirls" instead. So when she comes in, just knowing Berkley was taking a break from "Showgirls" to be there is weird enough. What makes it weirder is that Jessie looks straight out of showgirls with the golden tan and whore hair. It looks like makeup and wardrobe didn't bother Jessie-izing her. It almost makes you feel like "holy shit, Jessie is a fucking stripper now!" And then her tears make it even worse. Jessie tears up at the reception, supposedly from joy. But that's not what I saw in Elizabeth Berkely's eyes: I saw a depressed actor crying in shame, realizing she's made a huge mistake (cue Gob meme), wishing she had not done "Showgirls" and had just done SBTB instead. Call me crazy but I swear to the gods that's what I saw. I may be wrong about why she was crying, but I'm not wrong that Elizabeth was crying and not Jessie.
MISC
Lisa has a crazy-ass unibrow the first few seasons. How the fuck did they let that happen? How did that get on air? Were they conscious of it? Perhaps they were trying to reach out to unibrow kids and let them know it's okay? Well fuck that. As a former unibrower myself: kids, pluck that shit!
Zack and Screech totally became gigolos. Uhhhh...wasn't this meant for kids?
For the Valentine's Day episode, they do a clip show where the characters "remember" prior romantic moments. So to celebrate the day of love, they basically phoned it in and put in minimal effort, not unlike many bad relationships.
The gang is unbelievably good at many things that take a lot of talent: music videos, dancing, rock band, a capella, entrepreneurship, DJing, photography, drinking and driving...the list goes on and on and on. No way in hell could we ever achieve as much as they do. SBTB might singlehandedly be responsible for the insane and unmeetable expectations, hopes, and dreams of our generation. Thanks a lot, guys.
They exist in a weird universe where alcohol and drugs exist, but not sex. Though, everyone still has horny urges; I guess they get off just by making out. But where do babies come from? Stork order?
The Most Horrifying Realization of All
The show is called "Saved by the Bell," but not once is any character ever saved by the bell. The whole show was a sham!
The Wedding in Vegas is Just Weird
It's off. It's weird. It doesn't feel right. The actors are clearly older now, they all have new stupid haircuts, it's lit like a tv movie instead of a flat sit-com, we see the exterior of Bayside for the first time, Zack's house is completely different, Gilbert Gottfried is there, the actors seem to have checked out...it just feels...weird. Sure, there's the typical SBTB shenanigans: Zack scheming, Screech being an idiot, Lisa being shallow, Belding being Belding, Kelly is a boring blank, Slater meets a new mate, and there's a ridiculous plot entanglement (oh gosh the mob!). On paper, it should be Saved by the Bell; in reality, it feels like a creepy robot trying to imitate SBTB but subtly malfunctions.
The strangest part is the Jessie Spano cameo. It's well-known now that she was absent from most of the movie because Elizabeth Berkley was in Vegas filming "Showgirls" instead. So when she comes in, just knowing Berkley was taking a break from "Showgirls" to be there is weird enough. What makes it weirder is that Jessie looks straight out of showgirls with the golden tan and whore hair. It looks like makeup and wardrobe didn't bother Jessie-izing her. It almost makes you feel like "holy shit, Jessie is a fucking stripper now!" And then her tears make it even worse. Jessie tears up at the reception, supposedly from joy. But that's not what I saw in Elizabeth Berkely's eyes: I saw a depressed actor crying in shame, realizing she's made a huge mistake (cue Gob meme), wishing she had not done "Showgirls" and had just done SBTB instead. Call me crazy but I swear to the gods that's what I saw. I may be wrong about why she was crying, but I'm not wrong that Elizabeth was crying and not Jessie.
MISC
Lisa has a crazy-ass unibrow the first few seasons. How the fuck did they let that happen? How did that get on air? Were they conscious of it? Perhaps they were trying to reach out to unibrow kids and let them know it's okay? Well fuck that. As a former unibrower myself: kids, pluck that shit!
Zack and Screech totally became gigolos. Uhhhh...wasn't this meant for kids?
For the Valentine's Day episode, they do a clip show where the characters "remember" prior romantic moments. So to celebrate the day of love, they basically phoned it in and put in minimal effort, not unlike many bad relationships.
The gang is unbelievably good at many things that take a lot of talent: music videos, dancing, rock band, a capella, entrepreneurship, DJing, photography, drinking and driving...the list goes on and on and on. No way in hell could we ever achieve as much as they do. SBTB might singlehandedly be responsible for the insane and unmeetable expectations, hopes, and dreams of our generation. Thanks a lot, guys.
They exist in a weird universe where alcohol and drugs exist, but not sex. Though, everyone still has horny urges; I guess they get off just by making out. But where do babies come from? Stork order?
The Most Horrifying Realization of All
The show is called "Saved by the Bell," but not once is any character ever saved by the bell. The whole show was a sham!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 5)
Screech is Either the Greatest Genius in the History of Humanity...or From the Future
In the first two seasons, Screech has a robot named Kevin. Kevin is not just a simple robot though; he is a bona fide artificial intelligence capable of engaging in full conversation like a human, possesses empathy and emotions, accurately analyzes and reacts to human and environmental stimuli, drinks root beer, cracks jokes...basically he might as well be human. Considering Kevin debuts in 1989, Screech must be the greatest genius in the history of humanity, or he's from the future and brought this way-ahead-of-its-time robot with him. Either way, the writers deprived us of some amazing story lines by not examining this. Sadly, much like many characters on the show, after season two Kevin just mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Poor Screech.
The Theme Song Randomly Changes
Towards the end of season one, an alternate version of the theme song is introduced. They occasionally play it instead of the regular version, with no explanation or apparent pattern. And then after season two it's never heard again. I'm starting to think this was some weird psychological experiment. Not sure what the endgame was, but I'm onto you NBC...
The Kids Must Never Sleep
Throughout the course of the series, the gang participates in nearly every extra-curricular activity possible: school council, radio station, ROTC, school store, swim team, track, cheerleading, rock band, glee club, basketball, football, wrestling, chess, hosting every single school dance or event, teen hotline, academic bowl, yearbook staff, drama club, dance club, prom committee, homecoming committee... just about every committee possible. Hell, I'm not even sure this list is complete! Now, we could assume they get bored of these very quickly and dump each activity for another, but even then there's no way any high school student could cram that many different activities in four years. You would have to be constantly quitting and joining another one practically every month, and it wouldn't take long to gain the reputation as a quitter. Pretty soon, no club would want you.
Moreover, we see them repeating many of these activities multiple times throughout the series. We are left to assume they continue some of these activities off-screen. Clearly, there's no way they could keep up with all these commitments, still maintain extremely active social lives, have time to pursue Zack's crazy schemes, get their homework done (at least in the case of Jessie and Screech who clearly do their homework), and get sleep. So either they never sleep, or Bayside is the SoCal version of Hogwarts and they all have time-turners to keep up with this stuff. Zack does have the power to stop time, after all...
In the first two seasons, Screech has a robot named Kevin. Kevin is not just a simple robot though; he is a bona fide artificial intelligence capable of engaging in full conversation like a human, possesses empathy and emotions, accurately analyzes and reacts to human and environmental stimuli, drinks root beer, cracks jokes...basically he might as well be human. Considering Kevin debuts in 1989, Screech must be the greatest genius in the history of humanity, or he's from the future and brought this way-ahead-of-its-time robot with him. Either way, the writers deprived us of some amazing story lines by not examining this. Sadly, much like many characters on the show, after season two Kevin just mysteriously disappeared, never to be seen again. Poor Screech.
The Theme Song Randomly Changes
Towards the end of season one, an alternate version of the theme song is introduced. They occasionally play it instead of the regular version, with no explanation or apparent pattern. And then after season two it's never heard again. I'm starting to think this was some weird psychological experiment. Not sure what the endgame was, but I'm onto you NBC...
The Kids Must Never Sleep
Throughout the course of the series, the gang participates in nearly every extra-curricular activity possible: school council, radio station, ROTC, school store, swim team, track, cheerleading, rock band, glee club, basketball, football, wrestling, chess, hosting every single school dance or event, teen hotline, academic bowl, yearbook staff, drama club, dance club, prom committee, homecoming committee... just about every committee possible. Hell, I'm not even sure this list is complete! Now, we could assume they get bored of these very quickly and dump each activity for another, but even then there's no way any high school student could cram that many different activities in four years. You would have to be constantly quitting and joining another one practically every month, and it wouldn't take long to gain the reputation as a quitter. Pretty soon, no club would want you.
Moreover, we see them repeating many of these activities multiple times throughout the series. We are left to assume they continue some of these activities off-screen. Clearly, there's no way they could keep up with all these commitments, still maintain extremely active social lives, have time to pursue Zack's crazy schemes, get their homework done (at least in the case of Jessie and Screech who clearly do their homework), and get sleep. So either they never sleep, or Bayside is the SoCal version of Hogwarts and they all have time-turners to keep up with this stuff. Zack does have the power to stop time, after all...
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Post Bacon Depression
It's time to address what is a growing problem not just in America, but all over the world. I'm talking, of course, about Post Bacon Depression. I recently added bacon to my daily breakfast, and it has been a wonderful addition that has truly elevated my life and brought much joy. However, it's also brought to my attention the prevalence and horror of Post Bacon Depression (hereafter referred to as PBD).
Bacon is a marvelous drug. Yes, it is primarily food, but it is also a powerful and addictive drug. Once you go bacon, you don't go backon it (don't worry, even I cringed writing that lame, lame, lame pun). It is absolute delicious, even in its alternative forms: turkey and veggie bacon. The taste of it and the feelings it elicits are truly indescribable. Vegetarians and vegans aren't even left out of this as veggie facon, while still inferior, has nearly the same impact. The fact of the matter is, when you're eating bacon, you are in heaven.
Unfortunately, there's an ugly side to this. Once you are finished, there is a brief period of absolute sadness. It's like a Dementor has entered the room; all feelings of joy have been sucked away, and all that's left is depression. For in this moment, although deep down you know it's not true, even though logic screams it out, you feel as if you've just experienced the best part of your day, and it's all downhill from there. This feeling sometimes lasts for only a few seconds or, on bad days, maybe a few minutes. Then it thankfully disappears and all is back to normal. The day goes on and PBD is forgotten about.
It might not seem serious, but it is. The problem with PBD is that it leaves one utterly vulnerable and teetering on the edge. If bad news is heard during this time, it could break someone and push them over the edge. Hearing of the loss of a loved one, finding out you've been laid off, getting dumped, etc... anything else bad is dangerous. Who knows what drastic or fatal measures one might take when their soul is ripped apart during PBD.
Something must be done to address this. I'm not a medical, scientific, or psychological expert, so I don't know have the answers. The only advice I can offer up is that we all exercise caution, kindness, and sympathy to those suffering from PBD. If a loved one, friend, co-worker, acquaintance, or even enemy has just finished their bacon: hold back and delay the bad news until you are sure they've moved past their PBD. It's also possible you might not know if someone is currently suffering from PBD, so in the morning hours, just be careful. If truly bad news must be delivered, test the waters, ask what they had for breakfast, break the ice first in case of PBD. And if you know that you are suffering from PBD, do not check the news, do not check the scores, do not check your bank account...just do not check up on anything!
Let's all be mindful of this dangerous problem. In the words of Bill and Ted, "be excellent to each other!" (Do you know how hard it was for me not to make the eggsellent pun. Ah crap, I've gone and done it anyway. See what horrors PBD can bring!!!???)
Bacon is a marvelous drug. Yes, it is primarily food, but it is also a powerful and addictive drug. Once you go bacon, you don't go backon it (don't worry, even I cringed writing that lame, lame, lame pun). It is absolute delicious, even in its alternative forms: turkey and veggie bacon. The taste of it and the feelings it elicits are truly indescribable. Vegetarians and vegans aren't even left out of this as veggie facon, while still inferior, has nearly the same impact. The fact of the matter is, when you're eating bacon, you are in heaven.
Unfortunately, there's an ugly side to this. Once you are finished, there is a brief period of absolute sadness. It's like a Dementor has entered the room; all feelings of joy have been sucked away, and all that's left is depression. For in this moment, although deep down you know it's not true, even though logic screams it out, you feel as if you've just experienced the best part of your day, and it's all downhill from there. This feeling sometimes lasts for only a few seconds or, on bad days, maybe a few minutes. Then it thankfully disappears and all is back to normal. The day goes on and PBD is forgotten about.
It might not seem serious, but it is. The problem with PBD is that it leaves one utterly vulnerable and teetering on the edge. If bad news is heard during this time, it could break someone and push them over the edge. Hearing of the loss of a loved one, finding out you've been laid off, getting dumped, etc... anything else bad is dangerous. Who knows what drastic or fatal measures one might take when their soul is ripped apart during PBD.
Something must be done to address this. I'm not a medical, scientific, or psychological expert, so I don't know have the answers. The only advice I can offer up is that we all exercise caution, kindness, and sympathy to those suffering from PBD. If a loved one, friend, co-worker, acquaintance, or even enemy has just finished their bacon: hold back and delay the bad news until you are sure they've moved past their PBD. It's also possible you might not know if someone is currently suffering from PBD, so in the morning hours, just be careful. If truly bad news must be delivered, test the waters, ask what they had for breakfast, break the ice first in case of PBD. And if you know that you are suffering from PBD, do not check the news, do not check the scores, do not check your bank account...just do not check up on anything!
Let's all be mindful of this dangerous problem. In the words of Bill and Ted, "be excellent to each other!" (Do you know how hard it was for me not to make the eggsellent pun. Ah crap, I've gone and done it anyway. See what horrors PBD can bring!!!???)
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 4)
The Writers And Program Schedulers Were On Crack
We're probably all aware that "Saved by the Bell" had continuity issues, but it wasn't until watching it all through recently that I realized just how bad they are. The show actually has pretty decent continuity for the first two seasons, aside from characters coming into play and then suddenly disappearing (as previously discussed). Zack and Slater vie for Kelly, Kelly chooses Zack and they become a couple, Slater and Jessie become a couple, Screech sexually harasses Lisa, and she in turn continues to be horrible to him. It all plods along coherently.
However, starting with season three, continuity seriously derails like "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (literally, as in the bad guys being derailed in the mine carts; not the quality of the franchise, because "Temple of Doom" is awesome). Kelly dumps Zack for that jerk Jeff and then bam: next episode they're all starting summer jobs at Malibu Sands. Zack and Kelly are totally cool being friends now, Zack is suddenly falling for Stacey Carosi, and Slater and Jessie are now just friends too. Also, it's suddenly summer. The episode after that: bam, they're back at school and Zack is falling apart after the breakup with Kelly. Then back to Malibu Sands for a delightful volleyball competition, then back to school and Zack is having surgery and being a chickenshit, back to Malibu, back to school... so and and so forth for the remainder of the Malibu Sands episodes. Was this just an idiotic scheduling decision by the network? The way things are written, Malibu Sands clearly takes place the summer after the school year in which Zack/Kelly and Slater/Jessie breakup. It seems that the writers intended for this to all make sense if aired in chronological order, so I can only assume the program schedulers were on crack in this case.
Later that season, there is more craziness. Jessie is nowhere to be seen in the "All in the Mall" episode of candid camera hijinks and trying to buy U2 tickets. I guess Jessie Spano was way ahead of her time with hating U2. It's understandable that an actor might have to be absent occasionally, but the characters act like she doesn't even exist. There's no mention of her and why she's not with them. All they had to do was slip in one line about Jessie and job done.
The Palm Springs Weekend two-parter screws with the relationship continuity again. Slater and Jessie are still "going steady" at school, but are suddenly broken up for Jessie's dad's wedding where Slater ends up dating a princess. In the very next episode, Jessie gets royally jealous when she thinks the new female wrestler is after her man. Say what? Slater and Jessie don't break up until cut day late in the season, so what the heck is the Palm Springs two-parter (which seems to take place in summer) doing in the middle of the season? And what impression did this make on young kids, seeing characters switch back and forth unexplained between dating each other and dating other people?
Lastly, of course, there's the Tori craziness. After filming the initial order of episodes, the network decided to extend the final season, but Tiffany and Elizabeth declined to continue, leaving Kelly and Jessie out of the picture for those episodes. Naturally, the writers brought in a new character: tough girl Tori. What they could have done was air all the Tori episodes as a block somewhere in the season (except the very end), and had the characters mention that Kelly and Jessie were both studying abroad or doing a foreign exchange program. That would have made perfect sense, right?
So what did they do? They alternated between Tori and Kelly/Jessie episodes, creating a very weird senior year. The gang are hanging out with Kelly and Jessie one episode, and then the next they're suddenly mysteriously absent and the gang is hanging out with Tori. One episode Zack and Tori are furiously making out, the next Zack is single and playing the field. Are we supposed to assume that sometimes the gang has Tori shenanigans, and sometimes Kelly/Jessie, but never all together? That wouldn't even make sense, given the relationship continuity issues. This gets especially crazy at the end of the season when Zack and Kelly rekindle their relationship. It seems to come out of nowhere, especially since Kelly was nowhere to be seen in the episode prior where a big hullabaloo is made about Zack dating Slater's sister. Heck, Tori and Zack never even officially break up. At the end of the year, Tori is around to help write the new school song as their senior gift right before graduating, but then magically she's gone and Kelly and Jessie are back for graduation. What...the...fuck?
This situation seems to be a combination of lazy writing and insane program scheduling. Based on all the evidence, I can only come to the conclusion that both the writers and network schedulers were on crack. I hope they enjoyed whatever wild rides their drugged-up minds took them on.
We're probably all aware that "Saved by the Bell" had continuity issues, but it wasn't until watching it all through recently that I realized just how bad they are. The show actually has pretty decent continuity for the first two seasons, aside from characters coming into play and then suddenly disappearing (as previously discussed). Zack and Slater vie for Kelly, Kelly chooses Zack and they become a couple, Slater and Jessie become a couple, Screech sexually harasses Lisa, and she in turn continues to be horrible to him. It all plods along coherently.
However, starting with season three, continuity seriously derails like "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" (literally, as in the bad guys being derailed in the mine carts; not the quality of the franchise, because "Temple of Doom" is awesome). Kelly dumps Zack for that jerk Jeff and then bam: next episode they're all starting summer jobs at Malibu Sands. Zack and Kelly are totally cool being friends now, Zack is suddenly falling for Stacey Carosi, and Slater and Jessie are now just friends too. Also, it's suddenly summer. The episode after that: bam, they're back at school and Zack is falling apart after the breakup with Kelly. Then back to Malibu Sands for a delightful volleyball competition, then back to school and Zack is having surgery and being a chickenshit, back to Malibu, back to school... so and and so forth for the remainder of the Malibu Sands episodes. Was this just an idiotic scheduling decision by the network? The way things are written, Malibu Sands clearly takes place the summer after the school year in which Zack/Kelly and Slater/Jessie breakup. It seems that the writers intended for this to all make sense if aired in chronological order, so I can only assume the program schedulers were on crack in this case.
Later that season, there is more craziness. Jessie is nowhere to be seen in the "All in the Mall" episode of candid camera hijinks and trying to buy U2 tickets. I guess Jessie Spano was way ahead of her time with hating U2. It's understandable that an actor might have to be absent occasionally, but the characters act like she doesn't even exist. There's no mention of her and why she's not with them. All they had to do was slip in one line about Jessie and job done.
The Palm Springs Weekend two-parter screws with the relationship continuity again. Slater and Jessie are still "going steady" at school, but are suddenly broken up for Jessie's dad's wedding where Slater ends up dating a princess. In the very next episode, Jessie gets royally jealous when she thinks the new female wrestler is after her man. Say what? Slater and Jessie don't break up until cut day late in the season, so what the heck is the Palm Springs two-parter (which seems to take place in summer) doing in the middle of the season? And what impression did this make on young kids, seeing characters switch back and forth unexplained between dating each other and dating other people?
Lastly, of course, there's the Tori craziness. After filming the initial order of episodes, the network decided to extend the final season, but Tiffany and Elizabeth declined to continue, leaving Kelly and Jessie out of the picture for those episodes. Naturally, the writers brought in a new character: tough girl Tori. What they could have done was air all the Tori episodes as a block somewhere in the season (except the very end), and had the characters mention that Kelly and Jessie were both studying abroad or doing a foreign exchange program. That would have made perfect sense, right?
So what did they do? They alternated between Tori and Kelly/Jessie episodes, creating a very weird senior year. The gang are hanging out with Kelly and Jessie one episode, and then the next they're suddenly mysteriously absent and the gang is hanging out with Tori. One episode Zack and Tori are furiously making out, the next Zack is single and playing the field. Are we supposed to assume that sometimes the gang has Tori shenanigans, and sometimes Kelly/Jessie, but never all together? That wouldn't even make sense, given the relationship continuity issues. This gets especially crazy at the end of the season when Zack and Kelly rekindle their relationship. It seems to come out of nowhere, especially since Kelly was nowhere to be seen in the episode prior where a big hullabaloo is made about Zack dating Slater's sister. Heck, Tori and Zack never even officially break up. At the end of the year, Tori is around to help write the new school song as their senior gift right before graduating, but then magically she's gone and Kelly and Jessie are back for graduation. What...the...fuck?
This situation seems to be a combination of lazy writing and insane program scheduling. Based on all the evidence, I can only come to the conclusion that both the writers and network schedulers were on crack. I hope they enjoyed whatever wild rides their drugged-up minds took them on.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 3)
Back to "Saved by the Bell" after a week off. Today I explore the unbelievable love life of Zack Morris.
Zack is a Sex God
Watching as a kid, I knew Zack Morris was cool. Nearly every male wanted to be him when we grew up. Part of that was in admiration of his incredible prowess with the ladies. Zack basically got to have any girl he wanted. At graduation, he even makes a joke about it, estimating that he had eighty-something girlfriends in four years. Watching this as an adult, however, has been a little horrifying. Zack isn't just a cool dude who gets a lot of girls; he is an outright sex god.
Zack doesn't just have a high success rate with his pursuits of the opposite sex; women and girls fawn over him if he gives them so much as a smile. Any attention he shows any girl is met with subservient worship. Girls seem awestruck by the mighty presence of the sex god before them. The scary thing is that this isn't limited to girls as grown women fawn over him too. When Zack is in the hospital, the nurses all have hard-ons for him. The rich adult female customers of Malibu Sands are delighted by Zack's advances. A UCLA student falls for him (albeit believing he is also an undergraduate). Only one adult woman does not succumb to Zack's powers: the new nurse who messes with his head when it's revealed that Zack has been giving his girlfriend the cold shoulder for her. If he had been unburdened by a girlfriend and morally free to pursue her, who knows, she too might have fallen for him.
It isn't just momentary flirtations; twice Zack forges serious romantic relationships with adult women who profess their love for him. The first is when Zack is about to be a senior in high school: Stacey Carosi, the jerk boss's college daughter and assistant manager of Malibu Sands. This one isn't too bad. It's never stated how old she is, so she could have just finished up her freshmen year for all we know. Still, at best she's 19 and Zack is 17, which is kinda hinky at that age. 17 year old boys are idiots, and 19 year old women know it. The second adult relationship, also presumably when Zack is 17 and about to be a senior: Andrea, the single mother from the Hawaiian Style special. She has a 4 year old that she had late in high school, so she's about 4 years older than Zack...and with a kid. Heck, she even already has a boyfriend, yet she falls in love with a 17 year old boy who is only there on vacation. Such is the incredible power of Zack the Sex God. Also, both these relationships are statutory rape territory. Yikes.
To be fair, Zack does have troubles with the opposite sex. Kelly dumps him for an older man, both the adult women break it off when it's about to become long distance, Screech's cousin lays into Zack for using her to get back at Kelly, he strikes out with Jessie's soon-to-be stepmother, the new girl rejects both him and Slater after fighting over her, and the handicapped girl rejects him when he doesn't know how to deal with her disability. Zack does suffer consequences with the ladies when he's a douche, but even with what surely has to be a horrid reputation, they continue to fawn over him.
Hell, the show still falters with giving Zack his due comeuppance. Late in their senior year, Zack and Kelly finally get back together. However, it's not after some grand, wonderful, respectful romantic gesture by Zack; it's after he is a double douche once again. Kelly was first asked out by another hunk, and Zack manipulates him into bailing on her. Kelly is understandably furious with Zack, but when Zack finally gets her to listen and says that he did it because he still loves her and wants her back, Kelly forgets all about how horrible this was and gets back together with him saying it feels right. Facepalm. Way to teach boys a lesson (and teach girls to stand up for themselves), Kelly.
While he does not have a perfect record, Zack is so successful and worshiped by the opposite sex, he might as well be a sex god. I am horrified by the implications of this as an influence on young boys. Be the cool guy and girls will not only flock to you, but kiss the ground you walk on. This is an irresponsible and terrible message to send. I'm thankful the show had Zack get in trouble with girls to try and teach boys to respect them because they are people with their own thoughts and feelings and not just objects of desire. Still, the show sends a clear message: be cool and you can be a sex god. And having been a young boy myself, I can tell you they most likely forget about the "be cool" stipulation and go straight to believing they can be sex gods.
Even if boys pay attention to the respecting females part, they are still going to be consciously or unconsciously hoping their life plays out like Zack's. They are still going to hope and maybe believe that they should be able to attract any girl they want. Even if they fully intend to respect those girls once they "have" them, that expectation is dangerous. It not only sets them up to be blindsided by rejection and ignorant of how to cope, it probably counteracts the idea of respecting females if they are a expected goal to obtained regardless of their own agency.
I won't be dramatic the way other modern news/humor sites are about such topics and claim that "Saved by the Bell" ruined a whole generation of young boys. Who knows how much bad influence the show played in our lives; there were certainly many other influences in our development. But I can say this: the show sure as shit did not help. When it comes to dating and relationships, it did not influence boys in a positive way. Shame on you SBTB!
Zack is a Sex God
Watching as a kid, I knew Zack Morris was cool. Nearly every male wanted to be him when we grew up. Part of that was in admiration of his incredible prowess with the ladies. Zack basically got to have any girl he wanted. At graduation, he even makes a joke about it, estimating that he had eighty-something girlfriends in four years. Watching this as an adult, however, has been a little horrifying. Zack isn't just a cool dude who gets a lot of girls; he is an outright sex god.
Zack doesn't just have a high success rate with his pursuits of the opposite sex; women and girls fawn over him if he gives them so much as a smile. Any attention he shows any girl is met with subservient worship. Girls seem awestruck by the mighty presence of the sex god before them. The scary thing is that this isn't limited to girls as grown women fawn over him too. When Zack is in the hospital, the nurses all have hard-ons for him. The rich adult female customers of Malibu Sands are delighted by Zack's advances. A UCLA student falls for him (albeit believing he is also an undergraduate). Only one adult woman does not succumb to Zack's powers: the new nurse who messes with his head when it's revealed that Zack has been giving his girlfriend the cold shoulder for her. If he had been unburdened by a girlfriend and morally free to pursue her, who knows, she too might have fallen for him.
It isn't just momentary flirtations; twice Zack forges serious romantic relationships with adult women who profess their love for him. The first is when Zack is about to be a senior in high school: Stacey Carosi, the jerk boss's college daughter and assistant manager of Malibu Sands. This one isn't too bad. It's never stated how old she is, so she could have just finished up her freshmen year for all we know. Still, at best she's 19 and Zack is 17, which is kinda hinky at that age. 17 year old boys are idiots, and 19 year old women know it. The second adult relationship, also presumably when Zack is 17 and about to be a senior: Andrea, the single mother from the Hawaiian Style special. She has a 4 year old that she had late in high school, so she's about 4 years older than Zack...and with a kid. Heck, she even already has a boyfriend, yet she falls in love with a 17 year old boy who is only there on vacation. Such is the incredible power of Zack the Sex God. Also, both these relationships are statutory rape territory. Yikes.
To be fair, Zack does have troubles with the opposite sex. Kelly dumps him for an older man, both the adult women break it off when it's about to become long distance, Screech's cousin lays into Zack for using her to get back at Kelly, he strikes out with Jessie's soon-to-be stepmother, the new girl rejects both him and Slater after fighting over her, and the handicapped girl rejects him when he doesn't know how to deal with her disability. Zack does suffer consequences with the ladies when he's a douche, but even with what surely has to be a horrid reputation, they continue to fawn over him.
Hell, the show still falters with giving Zack his due comeuppance. Late in their senior year, Zack and Kelly finally get back together. However, it's not after some grand, wonderful, respectful romantic gesture by Zack; it's after he is a double douche once again. Kelly was first asked out by another hunk, and Zack manipulates him into bailing on her. Kelly is understandably furious with Zack, but when Zack finally gets her to listen and says that he did it because he still loves her and wants her back, Kelly forgets all about how horrible this was and gets back together with him saying it feels right. Facepalm. Way to teach boys a lesson (and teach girls to stand up for themselves), Kelly.
While he does not have a perfect record, Zack is so successful and worshiped by the opposite sex, he might as well be a sex god. I am horrified by the implications of this as an influence on young boys. Be the cool guy and girls will not only flock to you, but kiss the ground you walk on. This is an irresponsible and terrible message to send. I'm thankful the show had Zack get in trouble with girls to try and teach boys to respect them because they are people with their own thoughts and feelings and not just objects of desire. Still, the show sends a clear message: be cool and you can be a sex god. And having been a young boy myself, I can tell you they most likely forget about the "be cool" stipulation and go straight to believing they can be sex gods.
Even if boys pay attention to the respecting females part, they are still going to be consciously or unconsciously hoping their life plays out like Zack's. They are still going to hope and maybe believe that they should be able to attract any girl they want. Even if they fully intend to respect those girls once they "have" them, that expectation is dangerous. It not only sets them up to be blindsided by rejection and ignorant of how to cope, it probably counteracts the idea of respecting females if they are a expected goal to obtained regardless of their own agency.
I won't be dramatic the way other modern news/humor sites are about such topics and claim that "Saved by the Bell" ruined a whole generation of young boys. Who knows how much bad influence the show played in our lives; there were certainly many other influences in our development. But I can say this: the show sure as shit did not help. When it comes to dating and relationships, it did not influence boys in a positive way. Shame on you SBTB!
Monday, September 15, 2014
Let It Go - AE Remix
I recently made the decision to quit assistant editing reality television. So this week, taking a break from Saved by the Bell to let the cathartic lyrics of Elsa take over and make parodic light of my plight. Here is "Let It Go," the AE remix:
The screen glows bright in my tired eyes all day,
Not any footage to missed.
A dark bay of isolation
And it looks like I’m the pawn.
Avid is howling like this raging storm inside.
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried!
Don’t let them in, don’t let them see.
Be the good AE you always have to be.
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know.
Well, now they know!
Let it go, let it go!
Can’t do this crap anymore.
Let it go, let it go!
Turn away the slam the door.
I don’t care what they’re going to say!
Let producers rage on.
Unemployment never bothered me anyway.
It’s funny how some distance,
Makes everything seem small.
And the stress that once controlled me,
Can’t get to me at all.
It’s time to see what I can do,
To test the limits of savings.
No producers or editors bugging me.
I’m free!
Let it go, let it go!
I am one with my cat and home.
Let it go, let it go!
You’ll never see me sync!
Here I nap, and here I’ll stay.
Let the shows go on!
My creativity flows through me and into my reel.
My soul is spiraling in an existential crisis.
But one thought crystallizes like an iced coffee.
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past!
Let it go, let it go!
And I’ll rise like the planet of apes.
Let it go, let it go!
That perfect AE is gone.
Here I squint, in the light of day!
Let ex-bosses rage on!
Unemployment never bothered me anyway.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 2)
It's time for round two of my thoughts seeing "Saved by the Bell" in new light as an adult. This time, just one lengthy hypothesis:
They Might Be Serial Killers
Remember Max, the delightful, prescient, magician-waiter-owner of The Max? If you've been watching the later seasons as I have, you might have to jog your memory a bit, because he suddenly disappeared with no explanation. In an early Season Two episode, the gang throws a telethon to raise money for Max, who is in deep doo-doo over back-rent owed. If he can't come up with $10,000, he's done and dusted. The gang miraculously saves Max, and in turn, save The Max. They get to keep their hangout spot and their cooky friend. All is well... and then he's never seen again.
That's pretty suspicious timing. Why ditch a character early in the season without explanation? They could easily have an episode where Max says, "Hey kids, I'm gonna chill as owner and hire a full crew of waiters and management. It was nice knowing you!" A big deal is made about how he is saved so he can continue serving and entertaining the kids, and then he is just gone in the blink of a 29.97fps drop-frame. The actor didn't bail between seasons; there is no reason to not have an exit for the character on-screen.
If it was just him, I could chalk it up to behind the scenes politics or budgeting issues. However, he is not the only character to suddenly disappear. This happens time and time again. A big two-parter is dedicated to Jessie's new stepbrother moving to town, being a douche, and then redeeming himself so well that Jessie begs him to say. He agrees to stay at Bayside, now to be Jessie's best buddy brother and a permanent member of the gang...and is never seen or mentioned again. Zack and Jessie spend an episode fighting for a girl's right to be on the wrestling team, ending in a romantic relationship between her and Zack. She's never seen again. Violet Bickerstaff, Screech's nerd-mate played by Tori Spelling, pops up in a few episodes to date Screech, and is never seen again. They never break up, it's never mentioned that she moved away or any other explanation given. She simply disappears. Speaking of Tori's, there's character Tori, who swoops into Season Five to replace out-of-contract and missing actors Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley. Tori becomes an integral part of Season Five and the gang; she's billed in the main title sequence! She's with the gang all the way through the second to last episode in which they write a school song before they graduate to leave for future students...and then suddenly she's not a part of graduation.
While it's normal in sitcoms for guest stars to pop up for an episode or two and then disappear, this is different. We're talking about a high school. If you're a student (or in the case of Max, a worker adjacent and tied to the school), you will be there and around the gang five days a week, nine months out of the year, until you graduate or move to another school. Too many times students are established in the series and then never seen again. This is impossible if they are still going to the school. And that's precisely what the show sets up: that they are permanent students at Bayside!
Too many disappear without explanation. Something fishy is going on at Bayside, and I think I've cracked it. Our beloved gang are serial killers. They are such a strong, tight-knit, hexagonal group of six that can't possibly function with any lasting intruders. People can come for a brief time and be a part of or influence their gang, but they can't stay. The purity must be preserved. So they kill any threats to the group. Max was getting too close, Jessie's step-brother was going to ruin the harmonic balance, the hot wrestler threatened Kelly and Jessie's dominance, Lisa couldn't have Violet around depriving her of sadistic rejections of Screech, and Jessie and Kelly rid the gang of their replacement Tori as soon as they got back from their mysterious absence. They all had to go. And since there are no investigations, the rest of the school must be helping them. The rest of the student body always bows down before our gang; they are pretty much idols to everyone else. Hell, even Belding worships the kids. They must be all in on it, because that's how insanely influential and powerful this gang is! Man, I can't ever think of these kids the same way again...
They Might Be Serial Killers
Remember Max, the delightful, prescient, magician-waiter-owner of The Max? If you've been watching the later seasons as I have, you might have to jog your memory a bit, because he suddenly disappeared with no explanation. In an early Season Two episode, the gang throws a telethon to raise money for Max, who is in deep doo-doo over back-rent owed. If he can't come up with $10,000, he's done and dusted. The gang miraculously saves Max, and in turn, save The Max. They get to keep their hangout spot and their cooky friend. All is well... and then he's never seen again.
That's pretty suspicious timing. Why ditch a character early in the season without explanation? They could easily have an episode where Max says, "Hey kids, I'm gonna chill as owner and hire a full crew of waiters and management. It was nice knowing you!" A big deal is made about how he is saved so he can continue serving and entertaining the kids, and then he is just gone in the blink of a 29.97fps drop-frame. The actor didn't bail between seasons; there is no reason to not have an exit for the character on-screen.
If it was just him, I could chalk it up to behind the scenes politics or budgeting issues. However, he is not the only character to suddenly disappear. This happens time and time again. A big two-parter is dedicated to Jessie's new stepbrother moving to town, being a douche, and then redeeming himself so well that Jessie begs him to say. He agrees to stay at Bayside, now to be Jessie's best buddy brother and a permanent member of the gang...and is never seen or mentioned again. Zack and Jessie spend an episode fighting for a girl's right to be on the wrestling team, ending in a romantic relationship between her and Zack. She's never seen again. Violet Bickerstaff, Screech's nerd-mate played by Tori Spelling, pops up in a few episodes to date Screech, and is never seen again. They never break up, it's never mentioned that she moved away or any other explanation given. She simply disappears. Speaking of Tori's, there's character Tori, who swoops into Season Five to replace out-of-contract and missing actors Tiffani Amber-Thiessen and Elizabeth Berkley. Tori becomes an integral part of Season Five and the gang; she's billed in the main title sequence! She's with the gang all the way through the second to last episode in which they write a school song before they graduate to leave for future students...and then suddenly she's not a part of graduation.
While it's normal in sitcoms for guest stars to pop up for an episode or two and then disappear, this is different. We're talking about a high school. If you're a student (or in the case of Max, a worker adjacent and tied to the school), you will be there and around the gang five days a week, nine months out of the year, until you graduate or move to another school. Too many times students are established in the series and then never seen again. This is impossible if they are still going to the school. And that's precisely what the show sets up: that they are permanent students at Bayside!
Too many disappear without explanation. Something fishy is going on at Bayside, and I think I've cracked it. Our beloved gang are serial killers. They are such a strong, tight-knit, hexagonal group of six that can't possibly function with any lasting intruders. People can come for a brief time and be a part of or influence their gang, but they can't stay. The purity must be preserved. So they kill any threats to the group. Max was getting too close, Jessie's step-brother was going to ruin the harmonic balance, the hot wrestler threatened Kelly and Jessie's dominance, Lisa couldn't have Violet around depriving her of sadistic rejections of Screech, and Jessie and Kelly rid the gang of their replacement Tori as soon as they got back from their mysterious absence. They all had to go. And since there are no investigations, the rest of the school must be helping them. The rest of the student body always bows down before our gang; they are pretty much idols to everyone else. Hell, even Belding worships the kids. They must be all in on it, because that's how insanely influential and powerful this gang is! Man, I can't ever think of these kids the same way again...
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Observations Watching "Saved by the Bell" as an Adult (Part 1)
Most of us grew up with Saved by the Bell and remember it fondly. Some of us were young enough that it gave us laughably inaccurate ideas of how high school would be. I think we all know it's flawed, has serious continuity issues, and is cringe-inducing cheesy, but I still find it a beautiful gem. It will always hold a place in my heart.
Watching it again as an adult though, I've had some amusing, unsettling, and sometimes double-take observations about it (and yes, I know Cracked covered Zack's sociopathy and other amusing observations, so I won't retread their ground). In the interest of making this more digestible, I'm breaking it down into several parts over the next few weeks. Come join me on my ride. Here we go!
They Are All Douchebags
In the first season, they are all jerks. Rare is the episode that does not revolve around Zack enacting some selfish scheme that involves being a total dick to his friends. He deeply wounds them and doesn't realize what he's done until the friendship almost dissolves. Only when it's shoved in his face is he capable of thinking about others.
Screech is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. He doesn't understand that "no means no" and exhibits a scary lack of respect for Lisa, continuing to harass her despite her repeated rejection. Lisa, in turn, is completely wretched to Screech. Though understandable given the sexual harassment, she exhibits no empathy for him and treats him like dirt at every opportunity. She crosses the line big time; it's a miracle he doesn't commit suicide.
Zack and Slater fight over Kelly all the time as if she were a prize to win and not a real person. They are date rape cases waiting to happen. Although they acknowledge that Kelly would have to choose one of them to have her, they don't even consider the possibility she would reject both of them. They don't really think Kelly has a choice to make so much as recognize who the true alpha male top dog is and give him what's due. Even worse, Slater repeatedly expresses his belief that women are substandard humans. Even if he's joking, it's not very funny and every joke contains an ounce of truth...
Watching it again as an adult though, I've had some amusing, unsettling, and sometimes double-take observations about it (and yes, I know Cracked covered Zack's sociopathy and other amusing observations, so I won't retread their ground). In the interest of making this more digestible, I'm breaking it down into several parts over the next few weeks. Come join me on my ride. Here we go!
They Are All Douchebags
In the first season, they are all jerks. Rare is the episode that does not revolve around Zack enacting some selfish scheme that involves being a total dick to his friends. He deeply wounds them and doesn't realize what he's done until the friendship almost dissolves. Only when it's shoved in his face is he capable of thinking about others.
Screech is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. He doesn't understand that "no means no" and exhibits a scary lack of respect for Lisa, continuing to harass her despite her repeated rejection. Lisa, in turn, is completely wretched to Screech. Though understandable given the sexual harassment, she exhibits no empathy for him and treats him like dirt at every opportunity. She crosses the line big time; it's a miracle he doesn't commit suicide.
Zack and Slater fight over Kelly all the time as if she were a prize to win and not a real person. They are date rape cases waiting to happen. Although they acknowledge that Kelly would have to choose one of them to have her, they don't even consider the possibility she would reject both of them. They don't really think Kelly has a choice to make so much as recognize who the true alpha male top dog is and give him what's due. Even worse, Slater repeatedly expresses his belief that women are substandard humans. Even if he's joking, it's not very funny and every joke contains an ounce of truth...
Kelly doesn't really do anything harmful to anyone, but is a hollow shell of a human that doesn't possess agency. She smiles and laughs as the two fight over her like a trophy. Most of the time she finds it cute. Not once does she stand up for herself in the face of such horrific misogyny, nor realize it for what it is.
Jesse is really the only decent human being in the first season, when she's not busy shoving her political and ideological propaganda down everyone's throats, telling men that they are all pigs, or being cruel to short guys.
Thankfully, the showrunners and writers pulled their heads out of their asses and made them all much less douchey going forward.
Max Can See The Future
Max, the lovable magician-owner-waiter of the gang's burger hangout, The Max, somehow always has the right trick for the gang to address their problems. Sometimes, he can be given the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just carrying that chicken all shift long waiting for an opportune moment to bust that magic trick out. But other times, he's eerily timely.
In one episode, the gang forgets about Screech's birthday (I would cite this as further evidence of their douchbaggery, but considering they didn't have Facebook or smartphones to inform them of his birthday, it's understandable). They call Max over and ask him to bake Screech a belated cake, and he immediately busts out a ready-made customized cake for Screech. The only explanation for this and other instances is that Max can see the future. He is prescient. He is Paul mother fuckin' Maud'Dib Atreides!
Sadly, badass Maux'Dib suddenly disappears after the second season. But more on that later... (cue eerie music).
Jesse is really the only decent human being in the first season, when she's not busy shoving her political and ideological propaganda down everyone's throats, telling men that they are all pigs, or being cruel to short guys.
Thankfully, the showrunners and writers pulled their heads out of their asses and made them all much less douchey going forward.
Max Can See The Future
Max, the lovable magician-owner-waiter of the gang's burger hangout, The Max, somehow always has the right trick for the gang to address their problems. Sometimes, he can be given the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just carrying that chicken all shift long waiting for an opportune moment to bust that magic trick out. But other times, he's eerily timely.
In one episode, the gang forgets about Screech's birthday (I would cite this as further evidence of their douchbaggery, but considering they didn't have Facebook or smartphones to inform them of his birthday, it's understandable). They call Max over and ask him to bake Screech a belated cake, and he immediately busts out a ready-made customized cake for Screech. The only explanation for this and other instances is that Max can see the future. He is prescient. He is Paul mother fuckin' Maud'Dib Atreides!
Sadly, badass Maux'Dib suddenly disappears after the second season. But more on that later... (cue eerie music).
Monday, January 27, 2014
Why Disney's "Frozen" is the Shizzle and Important for Kids
First off, in case it's not obviously implied: SPOILER ALERT! Also, LANGUAGE ALERT, because I'm an adult and I can use adult language if I damn well please, even if this is about kids. Don't worry, I promise to only use it sparingly for maximum impact.
So, I love Disney, but they seriously did us some wrong when we were kids. While we certainly learn lessons about life and love from our environment and family, we're also educated heavily by the media we consume, especially as children. Our generation grew up on stuff like "The Little Mermaid," wherein a woman basically sells her soul to the devil and abandons her family and responsibilities for a man she doesn't even know. This is not only a terrible lesson to teach children, it's batshit insane. We grew up with some bad and unrealistic expectations about life and love, setting us up for a hell of a lot more growing pains than necessary.
There seems to be this attitude that children must be coddled and protected from any negativity, heartbreak, or the complications of life. While this might preserve their sweet innocence in the short term, in the long run it just fucks kids right up. I'm an advocate for teaching kids the truth about the world (says someone with no kids), and apparently Disney is on my side for once.
"Frozen" is not only a kickass movie, but it actually has awesome and responsible messages about life and love for kids. I wholeheartedly think every kid needs to grow up with this movie, and I really hope Disney makes more like it! So here are the lessons I think are great:
Marrying Someone You Barely Know is a Stupid Idea
Every character raises hell when they find out Anna wants to marry a man she met that day. Clearly, Disney is poking fun at themselves for past films. But more than that, they're teaching kids that you really need to get to know someone before committing to them for life. Because:
Relationships Take Time to Build
Clicking with someone right away does not necessarily mean you're going to have a great relationship. The guy Anna is initially interested in winds up leaving her for dead. Now, this might be a stretch, but this is kind of a great metaphor for real relationships. You might be head over heels for someone initially, but after dating them for awhile, you might wind up hating their guts and wishing them dead. Or less dramatically, you might just realize your relationship doesn't work and you are ultimately not compatible.
Real relationships are built slowly over time. Not only does it take time to see if you're compatible with someone, but love itself is built over time. The more time you spend with someone, the more crap you go through together, the more joy you share, the more you help each other, etc...the deeper you care for each other. This applies to any relationship, not just romantic.
You Might Not Be Interested in the Right Person at First
Anna has her head so far up her ass in the beginning of the film she doesn't give Kristoff any thought, but he turns out to be the guy she ends up with. Now, while in the film it's because she thinks she loves someone else, I think the message applies beyond those circumstances. It's letting kids know that you don't always feel a Cupid's arrow right away. Sometimes, whether you're with someone else or single, you develop feelings for someone you initially had zero interest in. Anna and Kristoff had no attraction to each other initially (or at the least weren't aware of any attraction), but after spending time with one another, they realize that "hey, wow, surprisingly I kinda want to date them now."
It's not even stated that Anna and Kristoff are ultimately right for each other. They do not get married, engaged, or even kiss at the end of the film. While it's implied they are meant for each other, it's not a certainty. All we know is they care for each other and are going to give it a shot. For all we know, they decide it isn't right and move on. This is fantastic for parents. If their kids ask what happens to Anna and Kristoff, it leaves the door open for parents to offer their own opinion or explain as much as they want about dating.
You Might Not Actually Like the Person You THINK You Like
Right away, Anna thinks Hans is the bee's knees. They get along so well she thinks he is the one after just a day (and not even a full fucking day!). Well, they do not get married. We've all had experiences where we meet someone and think they are the greatest thing ever, and then after dating or pursuing them, we realize they're not as awesome as we thought they were.
Hell, Anna finds out that Hans was putting up a facade. Hans was just an image in her head the whole time and her feelings had no basis in reality. Sometimes, we think we like a person and build them up in our head, and then reality sets in and that image is shattered. They don't have to put up a facade like Hans; our minds can build up honest and good people far beyond reality. Sometimes, you just think you like someone.
Disney goes one brilliant step further and explains why this often happens: because you're looking so hard for it. Before she meets Hans, Anna sings a song about hoping she finds romance, dances and talks the night away and is swept off her feet. So when she meets a cute guy, she constructs him into what she's looking for. And what's more...
Sometimes The Person You Like Turns Out to Be a Douche
Not only does Anna find out Hans is not right for her and not as great as she thought, she finds out he's a total douchebag. He was tricking her the whole time. Watch and listen closely to their "love" duet and you can see Hans is playing off her lead. There is no "synchronicity," he's just feeding her what she wants to hear. This is so good for kids to learn early. At some point, we've all dated or chased after someone shitty. Usually, this is earlier in life like high school or college, but this can happen even in really real adulthood.
Anna thought Hans was the greatest thing since sliced bread...until he left her for dead while he went off to kill her sister and take over the kingdom. Sometimes the person you like turns out to actually be kinda terrible. Some guys lie and put up a front just so they can fuck you, and some guys do it to be king. And this is not just about men being douches; both sexes fall to prey to nasty predators (if only Disney had made that clear in the film).
Moreover, the best part about this is that the douche was Anna's very first romantic interest. What a great message for kids: watch out, the first person you really really like is probably going to be an asshat.
You Don't Have to be a Cookie-Cutter Princess
Anna, like Merida before her in "Brave," breaks the typical boring mold of a Disney princess. She's strong-willed, independent, smart, spunky, funny, courageous, and more; all while still being a girl. She was not a boring, cookie-cutter, subservient damsel in distress. This is extremely positive for young girls to see that they don't have to fit some idiotic mold to be accepted by society or to attract men.
It's Okay to be Single
While Anna spends the whole film learning love lessons, Elsa simply spends the film learning to accept herself. She does not hook up or even have a hint of romance for the entire film. This is fantastic for kids to see: it's okay to be single. You don't have to be with someone to be whole and happy. Hell, this is great for adults to see that are of the age at which society really makes you feel like shit and a loser for not being married yet.
Be Who You Are and Don't Be Ashamed
Elsa is made to feel she has to hide and keep secret a part of who she is, because if people find out, they won't accept her and she'll probably be burned as a witch. You know, your typical teenage problems. Once her secret is found out, she feels she has to run away and only begins to accept who she is when no one is around to judge her. Ouch. In the end, she learns that who she is and the powers she has are totally fine, and that hiding from the world only made her problems worse. Accepting who you are and being proud of it is the way to go! Plus:
Hiding From Love Hurts
Not only did Elsa hide from the world, she hid from love. She literally did not see her sister for years, and kept their behind-closed-doors interactions to a bare minimum. She was afraid to get emotionally involved with anyone, even her own sister, and all it did was make her miserable and lonely. It even made her powers worse; they were unstable. Running away from love accidentally made her freeze the kingdom (because she's frigid, get it!!!???) It wasn't until she allowed herself to be loved and to love others that she could control her powers and restore her kingdom. Love is an essential part of life, and running away from it does nothing but wreak havoc on all involved.
Romantic Love Isn't the Only Love That Matters
This was my favorite message of the movie. There's a great deal of time dedicated to Anna's romantic love, and she and us are made to think we're waiting for a true love's kiss to save the day. But what actually saves the day: an act of sacrifice made out of Anna's love for her sister. Holy cow, Disney just elevated sisterly love above romantic love. They're telling kids that romantic love is not the only love, and not the most important. Romantic love should not be put on a pedestal above the others. There are different types of love: familial, friendship, romantic. All love is important, equal, and essential to life. So kids, don't forget you have friends and family that love you, and don't forget about your love for them either!
So, I love Disney, but they seriously did us some wrong when we were kids. While we certainly learn lessons about life and love from our environment and family, we're also educated heavily by the media we consume, especially as children. Our generation grew up on stuff like "The Little Mermaid," wherein a woman basically sells her soul to the devil and abandons her family and responsibilities for a man she doesn't even know. This is not only a terrible lesson to teach children, it's batshit insane. We grew up with some bad and unrealistic expectations about life and love, setting us up for a hell of a lot more growing pains than necessary.
There seems to be this attitude that children must be coddled and protected from any negativity, heartbreak, or the complications of life. While this might preserve their sweet innocence in the short term, in the long run it just fucks kids right up. I'm an advocate for teaching kids the truth about the world (says someone with no kids), and apparently Disney is on my side for once.
"Frozen" is not only a kickass movie, but it actually has awesome and responsible messages about life and love for kids. I wholeheartedly think every kid needs to grow up with this movie, and I really hope Disney makes more like it! So here are the lessons I think are great:
Marrying Someone You Barely Know is a Stupid Idea
Every character raises hell when they find out Anna wants to marry a man she met that day. Clearly, Disney is poking fun at themselves for past films. But more than that, they're teaching kids that you really need to get to know someone before committing to them for life. Because:
Relationships Take Time to Build
Clicking with someone right away does not necessarily mean you're going to have a great relationship. The guy Anna is initially interested in winds up leaving her for dead. Now, this might be a stretch, but this is kind of a great metaphor for real relationships. You might be head over heels for someone initially, but after dating them for awhile, you might wind up hating their guts and wishing them dead. Or less dramatically, you might just realize your relationship doesn't work and you are ultimately not compatible.
Real relationships are built slowly over time. Not only does it take time to see if you're compatible with someone, but love itself is built over time. The more time you spend with someone, the more crap you go through together, the more joy you share, the more you help each other, etc...the deeper you care for each other. This applies to any relationship, not just romantic.
You Might Not Be Interested in the Right Person at First
Anna has her head so far up her ass in the beginning of the film she doesn't give Kristoff any thought, but he turns out to be the guy she ends up with. Now, while in the film it's because she thinks she loves someone else, I think the message applies beyond those circumstances. It's letting kids know that you don't always feel a Cupid's arrow right away. Sometimes, whether you're with someone else or single, you develop feelings for someone you initially had zero interest in. Anna and Kristoff had no attraction to each other initially (or at the least weren't aware of any attraction), but after spending time with one another, they realize that "hey, wow, surprisingly I kinda want to date them now."
It's not even stated that Anna and Kristoff are ultimately right for each other. They do not get married, engaged, or even kiss at the end of the film. While it's implied they are meant for each other, it's not a certainty. All we know is they care for each other and are going to give it a shot. For all we know, they decide it isn't right and move on. This is fantastic for parents. If their kids ask what happens to Anna and Kristoff, it leaves the door open for parents to offer their own opinion or explain as much as they want about dating.
You Might Not Actually Like the Person You THINK You Like
Right away, Anna thinks Hans is the bee's knees. They get along so well she thinks he is the one after just a day (and not even a full fucking day!). Well, they do not get married. We've all had experiences where we meet someone and think they are the greatest thing ever, and then after dating or pursuing them, we realize they're not as awesome as we thought they were.
Hell, Anna finds out that Hans was putting up a facade. Hans was just an image in her head the whole time and her feelings had no basis in reality. Sometimes, we think we like a person and build them up in our head, and then reality sets in and that image is shattered. They don't have to put up a facade like Hans; our minds can build up honest and good people far beyond reality. Sometimes, you just think you like someone.
Disney goes one brilliant step further and explains why this often happens: because you're looking so hard for it. Before she meets Hans, Anna sings a song about hoping she finds romance, dances and talks the night away and is swept off her feet. So when she meets a cute guy, she constructs him into what she's looking for. And what's more...
Sometimes The Person You Like Turns Out to Be a Douche
Not only does Anna find out Hans is not right for her and not as great as she thought, she finds out he's a total douchebag. He was tricking her the whole time. Watch and listen closely to their "love" duet and you can see Hans is playing off her lead. There is no "synchronicity," he's just feeding her what she wants to hear. This is so good for kids to learn early. At some point, we've all dated or chased after someone shitty. Usually, this is earlier in life like high school or college, but this can happen even in really real adulthood.
Anna thought Hans was the greatest thing since sliced bread...until he left her for dead while he went off to kill her sister and take over the kingdom. Sometimes the person you like turns out to actually be kinda terrible. Some guys lie and put up a front just so they can fuck you, and some guys do it to be king. And this is not just about men being douches; both sexes fall to prey to nasty predators (if only Disney had made that clear in the film).
Moreover, the best part about this is that the douche was Anna's very first romantic interest. What a great message for kids: watch out, the first person you really really like is probably going to be an asshat.
You Don't Have to be a Cookie-Cutter Princess
Anna, like Merida before her in "Brave," breaks the typical boring mold of a Disney princess. She's strong-willed, independent, smart, spunky, funny, courageous, and more; all while still being a girl. She was not a boring, cookie-cutter, subservient damsel in distress. This is extremely positive for young girls to see that they don't have to fit some idiotic mold to be accepted by society or to attract men.
It's Okay to be Single
While Anna spends the whole film learning love lessons, Elsa simply spends the film learning to accept herself. She does not hook up or even have a hint of romance for the entire film. This is fantastic for kids to see: it's okay to be single. You don't have to be with someone to be whole and happy. Hell, this is great for adults to see that are of the age at which society really makes you feel like shit and a loser for not being married yet.
Be Who You Are and Don't Be Ashamed
Elsa is made to feel she has to hide and keep secret a part of who she is, because if people find out, they won't accept her and she'll probably be burned as a witch. You know, your typical teenage problems. Once her secret is found out, she feels she has to run away and only begins to accept who she is when no one is around to judge her. Ouch. In the end, she learns that who she is and the powers she has are totally fine, and that hiding from the world only made her problems worse. Accepting who you are and being proud of it is the way to go! Plus:
Hiding From Love Hurts
Not only did Elsa hide from the world, she hid from love. She literally did not see her sister for years, and kept their behind-closed-doors interactions to a bare minimum. She was afraid to get emotionally involved with anyone, even her own sister, and all it did was make her miserable and lonely. It even made her powers worse; they were unstable. Running away from love accidentally made her freeze the kingdom (because she's frigid, get it!!!???) It wasn't until she allowed herself to be loved and to love others that she could control her powers and restore her kingdom. Love is an essential part of life, and running away from it does nothing but wreak havoc on all involved.
Romantic Love Isn't the Only Love That Matters
This was my favorite message of the movie. There's a great deal of time dedicated to Anna's romantic love, and she and us are made to think we're waiting for a true love's kiss to save the day. But what actually saves the day: an act of sacrifice made out of Anna's love for her sister. Holy cow, Disney just elevated sisterly love above romantic love. They're telling kids that romantic love is not the only love, and not the most important. Romantic love should not be put on a pedestal above the others. There are different types of love: familial, friendship, romantic. All love is important, equal, and essential to life. So kids, don't forget you have friends and family that love you, and don't forget about your love for them either!
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